Will the Narcissist Change?
Should I Hold On to Hope or Give Up?
This question, “Will the narcissist change?” is among the top searches as it relates to narcissistic abuse and narcissism as a whole.
It is researched and asked time and time again. We are going to take a moment and address this question and topic and broaden it out a bit.
It is an important question to ask.
HAS THERE BEEN A CURE FOR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Let’s let this sink in for a moment.
You may wish to re-read this sentence.
Take a breath in. No one with NPD has been cured.
Why is this the case?
Great question! Let’s take a look at three (3) reasons why narcissists will not change…
NARCISSISTS DO NOT WANT TO BE CURED
Say what?
The life of a narcissist, albeit they have interpersonal dysfunctional problems, seems to be working just fine for them. Why would they volunteer to get things sorted out? There are many reasons for this.
- They would have to admit there is a problem.
- They would have to take ownership (responsibility).
NARCISSISTS DO NOT ADMIT THERE IS A PROBLEM
Houston, is there a problem?
It is not common for a narcissist to take responsibility and correct a problem. Instead, in a keen way, they find a way to turn the tables and find a way to have it be either your fault or your responsibility to correct the issue.
They are free, and free forever to be who they are.
If they can continue to deceive others and manipulate their way around a topic by creating a diversion or by using a tactic, there is little motivation for them to change.
At any surface of a problem, they are masterful in creating obstacles so they can deny there is a problem.
The more there is a denial of a problem, there is no problem to fix, this is the mindset of the narcissist.
If they cannot fix it through denial, then they will use other forms of manipulation and deception, or even create a diversionary tactic so they can continue on their way.
If they can continue to deceive others, and manipulate their way around a topic by creating a diversion, there is little motivation for them to change. Their way to solve is through manipulation and to get you to think differently. Once they have you brainwashed into believing their story, they win.
Do you know anyone like this?
So, what do they have to change? What motivation is there? The motivation is the game to get you to buy into their story.
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
Narcissists have been known to say what you want to hear. Will they say they love you? Of course! When it comes down to love in action, will the narcissist perform? What do you think? What have you seen? What does your evidence tell you?
The narcissist operates in a triangle and cyclical pattern of behavior, which starts with blasting you with favorable compliments (this is love-bombing), and actions that can be considered over-the-top. (Related: Love-Bombing, the Subtle Insult and What is Really Occurring)
Many think upon meeting the narcissist, they have found their true love. You see, to the narcissist, it has nothing to do with love. It all has to do with what can they get out of the relationship or how can they benefit.
You guessed it, it is all about them — and not just in the first stage of the relationship. It will always be about them.
There is not a time when they feel so inclined to switch things up.
You will be highly disappointed over and over again if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
Will they change? They see no reason for the change.
Things are just fine the way they are, they receive supply, attention, they feel powerful, and they are keen on deflecting their level of responsibility. What’s to change?
Many people are motivated to do the right thing, based on commitment, mutual respect and love in a relationship, common objectives, etc. but when it comes down to love with a narcissist, it may be better to love an ice cube as there is more warmth there. It’s not about love if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist.
Love can be faked.
WILL THE NARCISSIST MAKE AN EFFORT TO CHANGE?
The one thing that a narcissist will do, is to fake their efforts toward change.
Yes, that’s right.
If a narcissist was given an ultimatum to change, they may perform in such a way that it gives the impression they have changed.
They can fake it for a while.
They can wear a smile; they can say nice things and even do nice things for a while so you will buy into their scheme. Yes, scheme it is.
They are trying to pull the wool over your eyes, so you believe that they either have made an effort to change or are continuing to work on it.
Will they have excuses?
You better believe it! Excuses that you have never heard will now be discussed. You will try harder to keep the relationship intact until you see this is a game and it’s cyclical.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be wise to think about your relationship and your goals.
One of the best moves to make in the interim, is to learn about narcissistic abuse, narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, absorb as much information as you can and think about instituting a no-contact policy.
Have you instituted a no-contact policy? Have you seen these tactics play out?
Thank you for reading!
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Originally published at https://www.movingforwardafterabuse.com on May 19, 2021.
