Why You’re Still Not Winning at Life

The one thing we aren’t dealing with.

My husband has always said that he wants to leave a legacy. I never understood until recently what that meant, when I started writing. I want to, in the most cliche way possible, add value to this world. I have found my voice through writing and discovered that by sharing my stories I can help others feel that they too can get through harder times. So, at the moment, this is what I’m doing, whenever I possibly can.

I have to plan meticulously in order to be able to work around our son’s sleeping routine. At the moment, it’s 5 AM and I know I have at least 1.5 hours to write before Andriel wakes up, so I’m doing alright for time.

I plan a lot for what I will do while my son is asleep because when I’m with him, much of my time is his. And since I don’t have all day like most people without kids, the time I spend working on my goals is extremely crammed into bouts of productivity.

I imagine Flash, my now new alter ego, taking my place as my son goes to bed. He types as if the world is ending. He tackles the rest of the house like the world depends on it. He comes to a halt at the sound of the baby monitor before doing one last round to finish the fight with the villain — the washing machine. A bra wire breached the security of the premises and Flash sweats as he fights for his life. Frantically, he wins the battle and quickly gets changed into me again when it’s time to go into the baby’s bedroom — and deal with a soiled diaper, for that’s what life boils down to in the end.

The Killer of Productivity

Yet, everything will be for nothing if I keep giving in to the biggest brain killer that many are susceptible to. Planning is all in vain if in the end, my son is not getting the attention he needs for a percentage of the time I am with him, or if I fall into the trap of getting carried away and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

There is the life right in front of us, outside of our heads, in the room or space that we are in. When I’m with my son, I should be in the same space as him at least 80% of the time.

The other 20% of the time I’m allowed to look away and help him become independent. He can play with his toys alone while I cook and clean. He is dragged to run errands with me and is usually OK in the stroller as long as he has snacks. Observing the outside world is a form of stimulation, so I don’t feel guilty for taking him anywhere that doesn’t involve him directly, as long as I compensate with play at some point in the day.

But there is another type of activity that I should not condone for myself or any parent, no matter how much our sabotaging thoughts tempt us into giving in.

I check my phone.

The Smartphone, My Vice

I naively unlock my screen to do a quick scan of my notifications.

But here is the problem.

I engage.

I check my emails and reply to friends’ messages. I innocently click on a link that takes me to an article attached to someone on social media, and just like that, I am under hypnosis.

Suddenly, I find myself browsing Amazon for their lightning deals. I’m a consumer at heart, and a bad one (or a good one, if you’re Amazon’s CEO). How I got here, God only knows.

I concede — I’m an impulsive and an unconscious user of my phone. I am the Internet’s definition of a committed and loyal client of the technology industry.

And I am no longer inside the room with my son, and I have given up control of my thinking.

That’s when he’ll manage to rip off a page from a book, or find the TV remote and try to turn the TV on — because I’m not paying 100% attention. I fear that one day he will be able to do worse when I’m under the spell.

I must accept that humans cannot multitask, and I am not superhuman.

I am Andriel’s primary teacher at this one thing called life, and if he’s seeing me more often than not carrying my phone and scrolling through social media instead of being with him, how can he ever respect me?

And what’s it all for? Most of the time, my short bursts of distractions don’t earn me anything at all. I don’t gain knowledge or a good feeling from being on Twitter or Facebook.

It makes me overwhelmingly sad to think that sometimes my son has to compete against a smartphone for attention.

I’m scared that I’m conditioning my son to grow up feeling like he comes second. I’m scared that he too will make this choice over his own children one day.

Time, the Great Equaliser

My time with him by principle is far more valuable than anything could ever be. That’s why he’s not in daycare. I know most parents would kill in order to stay out of a full-time job so they could spend more time with their children.

But if I’m then replacing some of the time he would be in daycare with my phone, I’m actually making things worse. At least at daycare he would receive some form of attention and have many other things to stimulate him, enhancing his creativity and learning a tonne of skills.

My Son Is Smarter Than My Smartphone

Andriel can tell when I’m under the influence of social media.

I imagine, (albeit exaggeratedly), it to be a little bit like Danny from the last season of Black Mirror when his eyes glaze over with a what looks like icing sugar whenever he connects to his game and his body “falls asleep”. His mind entering virtual reality leaves his body in the real world limp.

It’s a fiction story, yet it displays such a true reflection of what it does to us as individuals when we decide to plug ourselves into our phones and enter a completely different reality.

I literally disconnect from my world by trying to connect to the online one.

In 5 minutes, I could scroll mindlessly through Twitter, or I could read 3 books to my son that might result in him learning 3 new words.

In 8 minutes, I could watch videos of cats, or I could get my son to play with our own pets Luna and Shadow and watch them bond (or run away from each other — either way, it would be hilarious).

Here’s a cute picture to give you a break before reading the next really long sentence:

In the course of a whole morning, I could mindlessly let my son do whatever he wants including watching TV without really paying attention to the habits I’m enabling him to build and subsequently let him get frustrated because he’s bored to no end which would manifest in the form of a tantrum or two for seemingly no reason, (because I’m on my phone); OR I could fill it up with 20-minute slots involving different activities that help Andriel explore different skillsets and bring us closer together through bonding.

Luckily, when my toddler is around and he’s had enough of me being in my head, he is quick to save me by snapping me out of my trance in the form of a yell as he sits on my lap, blocking the view to my phone. Thank God.

A study carried out in Sweden concluded that 33% of children complain that their parents spend too long on their phone. I do not want to contribute to that kind of statistic, so something has to change.

Another conducted involving 11,000 users concluded that on average, we spend 3 hours and 15 minutes on our phones every day, with the highest 20% spending over 4.5 hours each day.

What did we do during that time before smartphones?!

Changing My Relationship With My Phone

I am a hypocrite if I am preaching in my articles to live in the moment and to stay in the room when I can’t even do that.

I understand the need for our brains to relax at some points during the day, and we are quick to pick up our phones to do just that. If I’m going to do that I would rather it be when my son is asleep. But it’s like drinking off duty, someone can still be an alcoholic even if they are limiting the times they drink.

There is a reason why it is plastered all over the self-help books to stay away from our phones for some time after waking up, and before we go to bed. Phones mess with our sleep, our anxiety, and in turn, with our state of mind. I must focus my time on other healthier habits to chill — watch TV, exercise, read, or chat to the hubby/a loved one.

While I can admit the reasons why I need my phone for work and pleasure, I must find a healthy boundary between me working or staying in contact with a friend, and staying in the room, out of my head.

Solutions Tested

These are just a few solutions I found scattered around online which I incorporated this week.

• Leave my phone in another room at all possible times, especially when Andriel is around.
• Turn off notifications.
• Use a computer/laptop for all work, including social media, to limit time spent on my phone — making the effort to use it at random times should put me off it altogether because it is always plugged in in my office.
• Only use my phone around our son for the camera or to answer important messages/calls (which aren’t that many, to be frank).

Results So Far

My daily average so far has decreased by 28%, to 2 hours and 48 minutes — and I am mostly using it in the evenings after our son has gone to bed to catch up on reading articles and messages on Whatsapp.

The usage of different apps has also drastically changed. I used to spend on average 1.5 hours on social media each day, but it is now 26 minutes.

Most of my time on my phone is actually spent on Whatsapp, but with a pandemic going on and having a gazillion lockdowns to live through, I’m allowing it. Besides, Andriel loves posing on video calls.

Most importantly, we’ve not had a single tantrum from our toddler. Maybe he’s jollying in the Christmas spirit, or maybe he’s happy with the extra quality time. And I definitely feel more focused too.

Last Words

My goals are simple and they will have shown throughout this and many of my articles.

I want to establish the best relationship with our son and set him up for success at everything.

I wish to sustain and increase happiness for myself and those around me.

And I want to inspire millions through my writing and eventually, speaking.

I must gain and maintain control of my thinking, and only use my phone for a set purpose each time, mindfully, in order to achieve all of the above. That means going against my instinct to get sucked into the wonders of social media and mindless thumb-scrolling.

I feel great after making those simple changes.

I urge you to test it out and see the results for yourself.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, motherhood, and pro-race. See more work like this.