This is why you keep getting ghosted
Do your new loves keep disappearing? This might be why you keep getting ghosted.
by: E.B. Johnson
In today’s world, dating is a very digital affair and one that moves faster than ever. We can match with someone in the blink of an eye and move on to the next person with the swipe of a finger. It can be hard to keep up, and hard to stay focused. But even when you do, you often encounter the soul-crushing experience of being ghosted — one of the most painful and confusing aspects of dating in the digital age.
Are you someone who finds themselves regularly on the receiving end of a ghosting? Do the partners you fall for often vanish without a trace, or just stop returning your calls and texts? This is a painful way to “call it quits” and one which can seriously rupture your sense of self. Want to put the pattern to rest once and for all? Figure out why you’re being ghosted and you can figure out how to stop it.
When getting ghosted becomes the norm.
Ghosting is extremely common, especially now that so much of our dating occurs within a digital realm. Even when we meet someone in the real world, a lot of our initial connection is built up over digital spaces like dating apps, social media, and messaging services. The problem here, though, is your given endless options and a very easy way to eject people without much personal accountability.
Has someone you’re romantically interested in recently disappeared from your life? Have they stopped answering your calls and texts? Are they avoiding you, or vanishing altogether? This is ghosting, and it will cause your self-esteem to crumble and it will cause you to question yourself.
If you’re being ghosted time-and-time again, this may be your sign that it’s time to start getting real about what’s going on. The fact of the matter is we only get treated the way we allow other people to treat us. If people keep taking advantage of you and walking away, you need to figure out what it is within you that thinks this behavior is acceptable. Then, you have to take action to address it and end it once and for all.
Why you keep getting ghosted by the people you like.
Are you always being ghosted by the people that you’re interested in? The minute you open up to someone new, do they seem to disappear? If ghosting is a pattern that seems to be a part of most of your relationships, it’s important to consider what common denominator behaviors you might be contributing to their poor decision to separate so brutally.
Pushing things too quickly
Perhaps the most common reason we find ourselves in an endless pattern of ghosting is our tendency to rush things. Opening up to someone new is a scary enough process without instantly being confronted by the idea of children, mortgages, and future family get-togethers. The more you push someone toward your ideas of happiness and love, the further they are likely to retreat back to their own sense of safety and sovereignty.
Over-idealizing and idolizing
We don’t get into a relationship because we want more stress and pressure in our lives. When you put someone on an impossible pedestal, though, that’s exactly what you do. Are you someone who constantly builds your other half to be something that they aren’t? Do you always expect more than they can give? Over-idealizing you partner or idolizing them can push them away. Want to stop being ghosted? Stop setting impossible standards.
Losing your identity
Who are you? When you get into a new relationship, do you forget about your hobbies, lose your backbone, and stop forming any opinions of your own? Perhaps you shut down your social circles and push them away, leading to isolation and a need to fill the empty space in your life. Unfortunately, this substitute usually becomes our intimate partners. Which puts a lot of pressure on them while creating an unstable and almost obsessive environment of insecurity. This loss of identity is poisonous and often a cause of ghosting.
Failing to find the balance
Do you deal with a lot of power issues in your relationships? Especially just before a split? Maybe you hand all the power over to your partner, or struggle to hold it all to yourself. Whatever the cause, there’s little balance and endless power struggles, and (no matter what side of the equation they fall on) that’s a major turnoff to some people. Believe it not, not everyone is looking for someone to walk in front of or behind them. Most of us want equitable relationships in which we both hold our own power and presence.
Emotional outbursts
Emotional outbursts can be extremely alarming and scary, especially if you’re someone who is traditionally balanced or calm. Do you regularly get upset with your partner, or explode in a demonstration of tears or anger? This can lead to a very quick ghosting, as it can be a major red flag for those looking for stable partnerships. We must learn to control our emotions and the way we express ourselves when we’re feeling hurt, angry, or upset.
Obsessing or insecurity
We all know the partner who is attached at the hip. They are constantly in contact, constantly texting, and they can’t stand not knowing where and what the other person is doing at all times. These are the type of people who allow their insecurities to take the place of their partner-hood. So caught up in a look of negativity, they can’t move forward and have a 24/7 need for physical proximity, which is both suffocating and exhausting to both parties.
Endless jealousy
Are you a jealous person? Have experiences in your past taught you that it’s not safe to trust partners, or leaving them alone around others? Are you plagued by insecurity, or an obsessive idea of possession and ownership? This could be a reason why you find yourself getting ghosted. Jealousy is scary, and it often indicates control issues. If you’ve lashed out over perceived issues of trust, your potential partners might have become spooked.
How to end the ghosting cycle once and for all.
Are you ready to leave the patterns of ghosting in the past? Are you ready to become a stronger version of yourself? You don’t have to stay locked into this tragic pattern of give-and-take. You can build a partnership that works, and these are some techniques which can help you get there.
1. Leave yourself some mystery
One of the biggest mistakes that often leads to ghosting is a complete revelation of self right at the start of the relationship. We can get so excited about the process of loving someone new that we open up too quickly and overwhelm them with aspects of self and commitment that they just aren’t ready for yet. Leave yourself some mystery and give the other person time to explore what getting close to you means.
Working for a partnership is a good thing. When we get handed too much, we often don’t see the value in it or a reason to protect it. When you give too much of yourself away too early, you lower your value. Do they want to get to know you? It’s time to find out.
Focus on asking more questions. Instead of always going on from your perspective, get to know a little more about theirs. Watch how they respond. Does your partner open up to you? Do they begin to ask you questions as well. By showing interest (in more than sharing your story) you can inspire interest in return. Encourage them to figure out who you are beneath the surface, but don’t hand out the answers for free.
2. Rebuild your concept of self
When you have no concept of self, you push yourself to find meaning and definition in other people. You need to see a reflection. You’re so unsure about your own abilities that you literally won’t believe anything about yourself until someone else tells you what you are. This comes from a low self-confidence and a need to please others. We have to rebuild our self-esteem so that we can define life on our own terms.
Let go of your obsessive need to pursue romantic partners. Stop chasing people outside and get more serious about fixing what’s inside. You can rebuild your concept of self from the ground up and become anyone you want to be, but that’s going to require standing on your own two feet.
Maintain a strong physical and emotional space for yourself with every relationship. Don’t fill every hour of every day with another person’s endless assurances or presence. Instead, rebuild your belief in self by investing in some confidence boosting pastimes that you enjoy, or by getting back out into the world on your own. Engage in some (safe, local) solo travel. Join an online course.
3. Never reward poor behavior
Some ghosting situations are temporary and used as a means of control. Early on in a relationship, some partners might use the occasional ghosting as a means of “testing the fences”. They are trying to see how hard they can push you, as well as test how far you are willing to take things for them. Once again, however, this is toxic behavior. You shouldn’t reward toxic behavior — even if you love the person.
Stop making excuses for someone who treats you badly or keeps you at a distance. At the end of the day, if someone wants to be with you — they will. You have to make the decision to stop accepting less than you deserve and then commit to that decision by setting boundaries for the people you bring into your life.
When they ghost you and reappear a few days later, let them know that’s unacceptable. Even in the event that a loved one dies, it’s not too much to tell someone “I’m going through some stuff. We’ll talk soon.” There’s no excuse for leaving someone on read, or completely ignoring any explanation they seek from you. You don’t owe your partner your time, but you do owe them respect. Don’t accept less than you deserve. Don’t accept their excuses.
4. Balance investment against time
If you are someone who has a history of trauma (or someone with insecure attachment tendencies) then you can find yourself in some seriously off-balance relationships. Putting your partner on an impossible pedestal, you might obsessively pursue them or seek to spend all of your time around them. This is toxic, however, and can push them away in a number of ways.
Break your obsessive habits by giving your partner some space — especially in the early days of your relationship. Make sure your investment in them matches the amount of time and energy they are giving to you. Don’t start planning a wedding if they only agree to see or talk to you once or twice a week.
Take things slow. The average life span of adults is getting longer, not shorter. Don’t allow your painful memories and traumas to fool you. You can take your time; keep your space. You can watch from a distance and study your potential lover, just as they are studying you. Compare them to your genuine ideals. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? It takes time to find out.
5. Don’t hold on to dead weight
We get ghosted because we allow ourselves to get ghosted. More often than not, this isn’t something which happens overnight. It’s a slow dwindling that we ignore (through our rose-tinted glasses) until we wake up one day to realize we’ve spent the last month on “read”. We cling to the dead weight and the hopes we built around our sandcastle dreams.
Stop holding on to someone who clearly isn’t interested anymore. Don’t give them the chance to ghost you when it’s clear the relationship isn’t going anywhere. Listen to your intuition. What does it tell you? If you hear the alarm bells ringing — heed them and head for the decks.
There is a limited amount of real estate available in your life. On one side of it is your career, beyond that is your friends, your family, and your dreams. That doesn’t leave much space for a romantic partner, so ensure you’re allowing that room to be filled by someone who genuinely respects you enough as a human to be honest when their feelings change.
Putting it all together…
Getting ghosted is the painful process of being suddenly abandoned by someone we’ve started to develop feelings for. One minute, life seems great — and then the next minute they’re gone. There are a number of reasons that someone might ghost us, but it comes down to us to break the pattern and stand up for both what we need and want in our relationships.
Leave a little mystery for your partner to uncover, don’t give all your secrets away at once. Relationships are long and they take time to develop. Keep it interesting by sparking interest in your partner. Then, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and that inherent sense of assurance that allows you to hold on to your individuality. Never reward poor behavior and make it clear that disrespectful people who waste your time are those who won’t be allowed to take up space in your world. We get the treatment we allow. Balance the investment that you put into them against the amount of time and energy they put into you. It’s silly to plan a wedding with someone who won’t even make plans for the night. Let go of dead weight and end the ghosting patterns by having enough self-respect to walk away when you know things aren’t right.
