Why you feel the need to over-apologize
Are you someone who is constantly apologizing? This could be the reason for your compulsive need to say “sorry.”
by: E.B. Johnson
Over-apologizing is one of the most common mistakes we make when it comes to communication and dealing with the people around us. You might apologize when you get things wrong, but you might also find yourself apologizing for absolutely nothing at all. The act of over-apologizing is toxic, and it indicates both serious flaws in our thinking and issues with our self-esteem.
There are better ways for you to express your hesitation, compassion, or even the awkwardness that you feel in certain situations and around certain people. We have to overcome and conquer this compulsive need to apologize, and we have to do that by digging into the reasons behind this need and what we hope to gain from the act. Understanding this, we can take action to boost our self-confidence and rid ourselves of the need to apologize all the time.
Over-apologizing is a toxic habit.
While the act of apologizing too much might seem harmless — it’s anything but. Over-apologizing occurs whenever we find ourselves compulsively uttering “I’m sorry,” for every little mistake or non-mistake we perceive ourselves to have committed. For example, you might apologize when you brush too close to someone in the hallway, or when you’re simply feeling awkward in a new situation.
Over-apologizing is a toxic habit which takes a serious toll on our relationships and self image. In addition, it can also devalue the worth of our actual apologies when things go wrong. When it comes to our self-image, though, it indicates to those around us that we are extremely anxious or nervous; while also signaling to them that you’re uncertain of yourself or lacking in crucial confidence.
If you’re someone who apologizes even when it isn’t warranted, then you need to take a step back and reassess yourself and the way you communicate and approach others. Look at the reasons behind your need to over-apologize and then empower yourself to take action in the name of your boundaries and happiness. Let go of your need to take the blame and start looking for superior ways to carry yourself in this increasingly chaotic world.
Why you feel the need to apologize all the time.
Are you someone who is always apologizing to other people? Whether you’ve done something wrong or not, are you always saying “sorry” and going out of your way to stay small our out-of-the-way? There are many reasons we get stuck in a pattern of endless apologies, and we have to understand each of them to move past where we are.
Forever people-pleaser
Are you someone who is always doing something for other people? Do you roll over, pick up the slack, and find yourself exhausted and with no one in your corner at the end of it all? This is an undeniable sign of people pleasing behavior, which encompasses a desire to make others happy before yourself. The more we seek to fulfill the needs of others, the more we often forget to see to our own. More than that, it doesn’t work. When we work hard to make other people like or love us, it pushes them away.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem or self-confidence is one of the most common reasons we find ourselves over-apologizing. Unsure of our abilities or how we come off to others, we can develop a toxic habit of groveling or going out of the way to make ourselves small. It’s crucial that we learn to see ourselves in a better light, so that we don’t lower ourselves to over-apologizing, or over-compromising in order to feel some sense of validation or belonging.
Need for perfection
Not all compulsive apologies come from a place of insecurity. For some, their apologies come from a genuine frustration when it comes to “getting it right”. The perfectionist is forever in a state of flux and are eternally critical; seeing most of their actions and behaviors as being flawed. Though they usually succeed in a high level of achievement, it’s never quite good enough. That’s where the apologies come in. The perfectionist perceives their environment as wanting perfection from them. So, when they inevitably fall short (of their own standards) — it’s time to over-apologize.
Feeling out of place
Feeling out of place can be another reason we apologize more than we should. When we meet someone new or are introduced to a new environment, it takes a little while for us to figure things out and that can be awkward. Stumbling across this new lay-of-the-land, we can panic and apologize without ever thinking about it. This, however, can signal both uncertainty and insecurity to the new people we bring into our lives. Like it or not, this can create a divide that pushes them away or turns them off.
Stuck in a loop
Even when we overcome our insecurities and learn how to embrace our self-confidence, we can still find ourselves saying, “Sorry!” But why? In the simplest of terms, over-apologizing can become a toxic habit and one that is reinforced by societal standards or cultural norms. We get used to apologizing for getting it wrong, getting it right, or even taking up space. After rebuild our self-esteem, we have to make a conscious effort not to do this, and to only apologize when it holds the highest of meaning.
The best ways to overcome your need for constant apologies.
Stop apologizing all the time and giving all your power away. Instead, focus on better ways to communicate while increasing your confidence and sense of self. Ready to get started? Begin with these 5 techniques.
1. Get to the root of your issues
It’s not enough to simply know the superficial reasons (see above) you over-apologize. While these are the basic problems that cause us to compulsively say, “I’m sorry,” — they usually stem from deeper cracks in our personality and the memories that feed our sense of self and stability. Once we deal with these deeper, underlying issues, we can really move toward getting rid of our need to conform or apologize more than we should.
At some point in your life, you learned that you were someone who wasn’t allowed to take up space. You learned that you had a low self-worth, and that in order to get the love and affection of others, you needed to keep yourself inferior. Over-apologizing does this. It signals our insecurities and tells people that we don’t hold any belief in ourselves or the environment we inhabit.
Explore deeper issues within your childhood, your adolescence, past relationships and any of the limiting beliefs you keep clinging to. Embrace them. Accept them. Then allow yourself to let them go. If there is a lot of pain and trauma behind your insecurities, reach out to a professional who can help you work through the complex emotions and subsequent revelations you might encounter along the way.
2. Identify triggers in the environment
More often than not, our apologies are inspired and triggered by events in our environments. These events (or stimuli) can bring us back to painful memories and force us to become overwhelmed with insecurities or anxieties that cause us to panic. Falling back into our toxic habits, we begin apologizing and making ourselves as small as possible once again.
Look for triggers in your environment that encourage insecurity, or a desire to “feel small”. Consider ways you can anticipate these triggers, and how you can stop yourself before reacting to them. Self-soothing is an important part of learning how to deal with these triggers and avoid the harmful habit of over-compromising yourself or people-pleasing.
Does the awkward and the “sorry” come out whenever you’re introduced to someone new? Seek out calming techniques you can use like mindful journalling and breathing to calm your mind and steady yourself before you encounter unfamiliar situations. Is conflict the reason you always give in and give over? Learn how to take a step back and calm yourself, rather than responding immediately to the triggers that present themselves.
3. Get better at hitting the pause button
Because our need to over-apologize accompanies such an emotional aspect of our response, it can force us into action before we realize what’s going on. Our emotions are powerful things, and while they’re meant to protect us, they can actually undermine our happiness when they aren’t managed appropriately. Rather than responding with an apology when it’s unnecessary, we have to find better ways to control ourselves and the behaviors we engage in.
Take notice of your mind and the way it’s moved by thought and feeling. Every time you feel the urge to apologize — stop yourself. Before you act, give yourself 10–15 minutes to think through the reality of your situation, your perspective, and how you want things to turn out.
Question your apology. Are you about to apologize for the right reasons? Or are you trying to take the quick path toward making someone else happy or comfortable? You don’t have to respond to stimuli in your environment immediately. You have a right to process your thoughts and collect yourself. Don’t rush and don’t give up an apology simply because it’s better for someone else. Our apologies are important, but they lose their value when we hand them out for no reason at all.
4. Find better ways to express yourself
Excessive apologies don’t always come from a place of insecurity. Sometimes, we just want to express compassion toward someone, but we don’t really know how. This is especially true when it comes to letting someone down. Perhaps you’ve canceled plans or changed your mind about an event. Whatever the reason, an apology is not always the right response to help us communicate compassion.
When you disappoint someone or let them down, there are better ways to express your understanding of their upset. “I’m sorry” doesn’t really say a lot, short of our desire to get out of a situation that needs to be moved on from.
Replace unwarranted apologies with accurate statements “I appreciate your understanding…” or “I hope that we can reschedule.” Be honest and upfront, but don’t grovel or make yourself seem less than you are. Things happen. We make mistakes, fall ill, double book ourselves, and become overwhelmed by the stress and pressure of everyday life. It’s okay to let people down sometimes, if it means ensuring you’re able to live and work and love as needed.
5. Re-center your sense of self
Insecurity is a hard place to be, and it drastically changes the way we see ourselves and those around us. When you’re stuck in this pattern of a little self-faith, you begin to believe in erroneous power dynamics, and the idea that you’re inferior to everyone around you. We have to re-center our sense of self and find ways to boost our perspective and our self-esteem. Then, we can let go of our need to compulsively apologize for everything we do.
Reach out to friends and don’t shy away from new skills and activities that could connect you with new people and aspects of your abilities. Relationships are a great way to get re-familiar with your strengths, and a great way to build up the support systems you need to battle any sense of shame or personal unease you might be dealing with.
Dig back down into the core of who you are. Re-engage with your passions and the things that excite you. Embrace who you are, wholly and without abandon. When you do this, you will begin to see the light of your own power, and the value in the things you want and you personal presence. Center yourself around this newfound pillar of strength and allow it to be the wall between you and the endless apologies.
Putting it all together…
Are you someone who apologizes all the time? Do you always find yourself saying sorry — whether you’ve done anything wrong or not? This compulsive need to apologize can occur for a number of reasons, but it generally comes down to low self-esteem and a desire to please everyone around us (but ourselves). In order for us to overcome this, we have to learn to fall in love with our strength and value ourselves and our time just as much as anyone else’s.
Get to the root of your issues and any deep-seated experiences which are feeding your insecurities and need to please others. Once these are resolved, you’ll be able to move forward and heal. Then you can identify triggers in your environment and find better ways to prepare for them and respond to them. Any time you feel an apology coming on, hit the pause button and ask yourself a few questions. Why am I apologizing? Is this apology necessary? What do I hope to gain from this apology? With these answers to hand, we often discover that our apologies are superfluous. There are better ways to express regret or compassion that just, “I’m sorry”. Don’t give apologies that aren’t warranted. Instead, increase your self-esteem and center yourself around the idea that you’re just as valuable as anyone else. You don’t need to apologize all the time. You are enough.
