Marriage and Relationships
Why Would Any Single Mom Date a Shitty Dad?
Good men do exist. Don’t settle for less!
We all know a few men who have little to do with the children from their first marriage (or from a previous relationship) who are now married to a new wife.
I don’t know why any woman would be so dumb as to marry or have children with such a man, honestly.
The same would be true if you turned it around — I don’t know why a man would take up with a woman who dumped her first kids — but that seems to be a rare occurrence.
My first marriage ended in divorce long ago.
I know what it is to be a single mom looking for a partner.
It taught me a lot of lessons. Frankly, I was horribly judgmental about divorce until it happened to me. I did not think it would ever happen to me but I was wrong.
And then I thought I’d spend the rest of my life single. I was selective/picky. I looked around and privately felt that many women had settled and I did not intend to do that.
Finding a man you like is hard enough, but even if you find one, if you’re a mom you are still not done — you need to find a man who will make a good stepfather.
More than that, you want to be sure you don’t date someone who has already proven he’s not a good father.
Let me break that down:
If a man is not a good father to the children he already has, why in the AF would you even consider having more children with that man? Or, for that matter, giving him the time of day?
I wouldn’t.
I am always shocked that there are women who will marry a man who isn’t paying child support and seeing his existing kids regularly. That man is a loser. Do not marry him. Do not have children with him.
Do you really think he’s suddenly going to be a good dad now? Don’t be absurd.
I had a long list of qualities I knew I wanted before I remarried.
I wanted a man who was honest, caring, intelligent, kind and responsible. I wanted a good man. I would have much preferred to remain single than to have saddled myself with a bad man.
And because my children were minors at that time, I wanted to know about any other kids a date had. If he had no kids, fine. If he had kids and was active in their lives, great.
If he had kids he didn’t support or care about, forget it. I wanted no part of such a man.
Sometimes things are murky.
Of course, there are instances in which one parent has pushed away the other one. If you’re evaluating someone in a situation like that, take your time. Be observant.
Don’t rush to absolve someone before you are truly confident you understand what happened. In fact, if you have the opportunity to spend some time with the ex, do so.
One man I dated but did not marry for many other reasons was very involved with his children. One of them wasn’t even biologically his, but he treated them just the same and was very clear about that not making a difference to him. I met his ex-wife numerous times when she’d come by to drop off or pick up the children. They treated each other cordially.
I liked that. I was never a fan of men raging about what a bitch their ex-wife was.
Even if she was.
I was lucky.
I married a man who had no children but enjoyed family life. He was excited to become a stepdad to one kid entering junior high and another entering high school.
I know what you’re thinking — is your husband insane? — but it honestly worked out fabulously. We didn’t have the crazy teen dramas everyone seems to think are inevitable, even with introducing a stepdad into the home at that pivotal point in life.
So if you’re worried about that, know that sometimes it can work out really well.
We have grandkids now, and nobody would ever guess that my husband isn’t related to them by blood. They treat him like a piece of playground equipment. He spent God only knows how many hours building them an awesome treehouse for when they visit us.
It can be funny.
I had to explain to my granddaughter that I used to be married to her other grandfather — let’s call him Grandpa X — and that Grandpa X and I are the parents of her mother and her uncle.
She was gobsmacked to learn of this. I’m not sure she believed it until I got out some old photo albums. And then, just before a funeral, she loudly proclaimed to me, “Oma! Your old husband is here!”
I don’t know if my “old” husband was amused, but my “new” husband was.
To my grandchildren, my husband and I are a set, to the point that it’s nearly impossible to believe I could ever have been a set with someone else.
Sometimes I can’t believe it, myself.
You’ll hear women say there are no good men out there.
I get it. But there are good men out there. They may be disguised, however:
- They may not drive an expensive car.
- They may not dress sharply.
- They may not make a lot of money.
- They may not have six-pack abs.
- They may not be the life of the party.
However, you might find:
- They are always ready to hear about your day.
- They genuinely love your children.
- They are generous and caring.
- They’re affectionate.
- They help you on and off with your coat, open your car door, get your chair in a restaurant and that sort of thing.
- They are rocks you can always depend on when something bad is going down.
- They rub your back without even being asked.
- They listen when you need to vent about a problem that probably can’t be solved.
- They put up with your moods. Even your hormonal ones.
- They’re your biggest cheerleader when you’re trying to accomplish something.
- They are hard workers both at their job and around the house.
- They don’t force all the emotional work on you.
- They laugh at your jokes.
Your list may vary. You may want different things than were important to me. Of course you will. But don’t settle for somebody who is disrespectful toward you or your family, who lies or who doesn’t delight in your kids.
And for God’s sake, if he’s already proven himself to be a bad father to the children he already has, don’t let him into the lives of you and your kids.
If you liked this one, here’s another for you:
About Michelle Teheux:
I’m a writer and editor in central Illinois. Find me on LinkedIn.
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