Marriage and relationships
‘I’m a Strong, Independent Man Who Don’t Need No Woman!’
Yeah, there’s a reason we never hear that version
When you hear a woman say she is a strong and independent woman who does not need a man, it always sounds like she’s trying really hard to convince herself.
It’s like when you hear someone walking through a haunted house whispering that they aren’t afraid of ghosts — you may not know anything else about that person, but you do know one thing for damned sure: That person is terrified of ghosts!
I don’t need a llama, and I also do not walk around announcing that I do not need a llama.
It’s true, women don’t need men.
We might like having a male partner (I do) but we don’t need them.
Many of our female forebears did need men. They mostly couldn’t support themselves or have children without a man; in many times or places women had no rights to own property or anything like that. They had no choice but to try to mold themselves into a package that some man might find attractive enough to legally bind himself to for life.
And yes, it had to be a legal marriage, for the woman to be secure — or at least as secure as any woman could be then.
That was the deal.
Women would try to seem attractive and agreeable and once married would give up the sexual goods and have babies. In return, her husband was not allowed to divorce her — and even if he did divorce her, he was not allowed to stop taking care of her and the children.
A man who threw off his wife was ostracized from society unless, perhaps, he could prove she was adulterous or crazy.
Society considered marriage a binding, life-long contract.
I have a theory about that.
Why did society care if a man abandoned his wife and children?
Was it because anybody cared about women and children? Maybe to some extent, but I think the main thing was that because most careers were closed to women, someone would have to take care of them, and it had damned well better be the man who had chosen to create that family.
The alternative would be for the government or the church to take care of these abandoned families, which would cost money nobody wanted to spend.
Or, society could allow women to work, but that would give women way too much power and no man wanted that.
They could always let the abandoned woman and kids starve in the streets, but if that became common, how would men ever convince women to get married and have kids?
On the whole, it was better just to enforce strong rules that made men look after their wives and children.
If he had enough money, he could have a mistress on the side and as long as he was discreet, almost nobody would judge him for it.
But things have changed.
Women no longer have to find a man to take care of them.
I’m not 100 percent sure whether women don’t need a man because they work or if women work because they know they need to take care of themselves. Chicken or egg?
We can take care of ourselves. We can even take care of our children if we have to, and very often, women do have to, because it’s become far less of a stigma for a man to just dump his kids now.
It’s less acceptable for a man to have a mistress now. Officially, at least, he’s supposed to stick to his wife and only his wife, unless he decides he wants someone else, in which it’s OK to divorce the mother of his children.
He’s then free to start a whole new family with the new woman if he wants to. (No, I don’t understand why any woman with half a brain would consider such a guy husband material either.)
Are these changes good or bad?
It’s a mixed bag.
For women who want to raise children in a marriage, this is all a disaster. The divorce rate is high. In general, women tend to make less money than men, and it’s not uncommon for men to find ways to get out of paying child support.
We all know somebody living that reality.
A woman who wants to stay home with her children for a few years or even longer is taking a terrible risk. She may believe with all her heart that she can count on her husband, but it’s not uncommon to find out someone is less trustworthy than you thought.
On the other hand, women no longer have to put up with being beaten, being beholden to their husbands for all their financial needs or to have to pretend not to care if their husband has a side chick.
For women who don’t want children, it’s a new era.
You can marry or not marry. You can just live with him. You can make your own money. Thanks to modern family planning, (and depending on what state you live in!) you may not have to have children unless you want to.
Some women do make enough money to raise kids without having a man involved at all. Honestly, even though I’m happily married to my second husband, I sometimes think that’s the best way.
It’s not that I hate men.
Not at all. I hit the jackpot with my current husband, but I had my children with my first husband, and dealing with divorce and custody and child support and all the nasty aftermath was the sort of hell I thought was going to kill me.
I like being married anyway. Tell me how much you love the freedom of being single and I’ll tell you I think that’s great, but still, I prefer being married. And it’s gotta be a man, not a woman. That’s just how I’m wired.
Good men are out there. When I got married, I was a 40-year-old poor and overweight mom of two teenagers, yet I managed to land a good guy. But I’d be lying if I told you it’s easy to find one.
Llamas are nice.
Look, you can get companionship from your friends. You can use a sperm donor to give birth to your children or you can adopt. You can get sex from men you know you don’t want to share a house, children or a bank account with.
If you’re a woman who wants a man anyway, I wish you luck. I know you are strong and independent. I know you do not need a man.
But maybe you really should consider a llama instead.
If you liked this one, I have another for you:
https://readmedium.com/every-woman-needs-a-wife-9b7d41571c59
About Michelle Teheux:
I’m a writer and editor in central Illinois. Find me on LinkedIn.
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