avatarMona Lazar

Summary

The article discusses the common misconception that women prefer jerks, exploring various psychological reasons behind some women's attraction to such men, and advises good men on how to approach relationships.

Abstract

The article "Why Women Like Jerks and What Good Men Can Do About It" delves into the complex dynamics of why some women are drawn to men with challenging personalities. It debunks the simplistic notion that women inherently favor jerks, instead highlighting nuanced factors such as father issues, mistaken identity of character, trauma bonding, intermittent reinforcement, the appeal of a challenge, and the desire for excitement over boredom. The piece also touches on societal influences that glamorize jerks as the epitome of masculinity. It concludes by reassuring good men that their integrity and respectful behavior are ultimately more attractive to emotionally healthy women, encouraging them to be selective in their choice of partners and to treat women as equals.

Opinions

  • The author dismisses the idea that women universally prefer jerks, suggesting that only a specific subset of women, often those with emotional issues or immaturity, are attracted to such men.
  • The article posits that women with 'daddy issues' may seek out jerks as a way to resolve unfinished business with their fathers, hoping to transform a jerk into a good man.
  • It is highlighted that men who initially present themselves as charming can later reveal their true, less desirable nature, leading to trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement that can make it difficult for women to leave these relationships.
  • The author points out that the allure of jerks for one-night stands is often contingent on physical attractiveness, as women might choose an exciting, good-looking 'bad boy' for a wild night.
  • The article suggests that women, like men, can be drawn to the challenge of 'taming' a jerk, although this attraction is usually short-lived and based on the thrill of the chase rather than genuine interest.
  • It is argued that jerks may seem less boring because they are less censored and more willing to show their true selves, which can be appealing in a world where some men are overly cautious not to offend.
  • The piece criticizes the societal glorification of jerks as masculine ideals, as seen in movies and public figures, and urges readers not to be misled by these portrayals.
  • The author advises good men to focus on being respectful and kind, to choose their partners wisely, and to avoid trying to 'save' women who are stuck in toxic relationship patterns.
  • The conclusion emphasizes that emotionally stable individuals of any gender are not attracted to jerks, and good men should remain true to their values, as they are ultimately more appealing to well-adjusted women.

Why Women Like Jerks and What Good Men Can Do About It

Or do they? Read this article to find out what works best

Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash

Patriarchs and incels of the world, unite! Women like jerks, so all men better start behaving that way!

Excuse my eye roll, but my comment section is flooded with opinions like: ‘women like to be dominated, it’s in their DNA’, ‘women are into bad boys and men in power, ‘I know a lot of women who are attracted to jerks, you’re in denial, etc.

I’m not in denial. Some women are into jerks. About the same percentage as the men who are into bitches.

In reality, things are a bit more complex than each of our biased opinions.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of situations when women are in love with jerks, pining after jerks, or plain old attracted to every jerk they meet.

1. The daddy issues

Women who fall under the umbrella of ‘daddy issues’ either grew up without a father, with an emotionally distant one, or had a father who left.

The typical jerk is more reminiscent of a distant dad than anyone could ever be. After all, good men don’t usually abandon their children and are not cold to them if present.

In their imagination, being with a jerk is these women’s only chance to turn a jerk into a good man. The chance they never had with their father. So, you see, it’s not the bad boy they’re looking for, but the illusive good man underneath.

2. The mistaken Identity

It happens more often than you imagine. Women get into a relationship with someone who pretended to be a good man but turned out to be a jerk and now they are hooked, hoping he will once again be the man they fell in love with.

Contrary to popular opinion, most people who end up being with jerks do that because these people are extremely charismatic in the beginning. Whatever gender you are trying to attract, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I dare you to ask any woman in a toxic relationship and she will tell you how charming the guy she’s with was while she was courting her. Right until he knew he got her. And how the mask slowly but surely began to come off.

You’re probably wondering why these women don’t leave the moment they see the guy acting badly.

There are 2 reasons: the man is not suddenly a jerk. It takes months for him to show his true colors and during this time the relationship is strongly reinforced by something called trauma bonding. It’s a type of emotional attachment developed out of a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement.

The other reason, strongly related but somewhat different, is intermittent reinforcement: the delivery of a reward at irregular intervals, a method that was tested to get anybody hooked on the stimulus, from mice to children, to adults. Everybody falls for it.

3. The one-night stands

Women might choose jerks for one-night stands more often than they choose anybody else. But there’s a caveat: only if they’re also good-looking!

Surprised? Don’t be. Put yourself in her shoes. Or your shoes, for that matter. If you want a wild night with a stranger you’re never going to see again, who are you going to choose, the homey mousey one who looks like she’s going to be a kind mother or the foxy rebel who looks like she’s going to make you forget your own name when she wraps those long legs around your life? Yeah, I thought so.

4. The hunters

Women love a challenge just as much as any guy: she also enjoys the chase and finally getting her trophy. But just like in men’s case, a woman who is there for the chase will forget her trophy on the wall once she had it. This is not a case of being into jerks, but being into acquiring something few others can.

It’s in the nature of absolutely everybody on the planet, women included, to be thrilled by something they can’t easily get. The scarcity principle makes us hurry to buy (and pay more for) whatever was presented to us as scarce.

Being hard to get will raise our value much more than being easy to get. Something that is scarce is more valuable than something you can get a lot of. Jerks make their time and attention scarce and this triggers women to seek it more. It works just as well for women playing hard to get.

The interesting (and good) part is that this behavior gets extra attention only if the person is already interested. Also, an emotionally balanced person of either sex will lose interest the very moment the jerk will start playing more cold than hot.

5. The boring ones

Women really don’t like boring. That’s not to say that men need to be entertainers and showmen to have a woman. Not at all.

The problem is that some men are so scared of not doing or saying something that would push a woman away, that they’ll end up being yes-men and never saying or doing anything at all. And that ends up being boring.

You don’t need to jump through hoops to get a woman, she doesn’t need a personal buffoon. She just wants, as much as you, to have some fun in her day-to-day life.

Unfortunately, jerks are usually more able than the rest of the guys to offer that, because they don’t really care. Or pretend not to care. So they don’t censor their jokes, their childlike wonder, and everything else that makes them charming.

6. The manly man

Movies and society in general portray jerks as masculine and enticing, so a lot of guys will act as jerks even when it goes against their better nature. Some women will fall for this myth for the same reason. If you constantly see someone promoted on TV as the way to be, you’ll either want to be like them or be with them.

Think of all the movies where cold and aloof bad boys were presented as the pinnacle of masculinity. Don’t buy into this myth. Masculinity has nothing to do with being cold, dismissive, or downright abusive.

Men like Trump, Tate, Putin, and the like are nothing but scared little boys that their mommies never loved or loved too much. I know the good men and good women of this world already know that and are sick of them. But I also know we all need a reminder from time to time.

What can the good men do about it?

Good men are already doing everything they can: they are good men. They treat others (and themselves!) with respect and kindness. They understand that relationships demand love, patience, commitment, and endurance.

What good men can do for themselves is choose their partners wisely.

Don’t go for the women who are into jerks or stuck in a circle of abuse. Don’t fall for the damsel in distress that needs saving.

You can’t save her. She needs to save herself.

You can offer a friendly helping hand, but don’t lose yourself with her.

Treat women like you would treat any other people. Treat them like your buddies, your friends, and equal partners on this earth. That’s the only way to be with the right ones.

Conclusion:

Women are not into jerks. Immature and wounded women are into jerks. Neurotic women are into jerks. Just like immature, wounded, and neurotic men are into bitches.

Emotionally sane people of any sex will be repulsed by jerks.

I think you’ll find that if you come towards the female side of life with an open mind, we’re not so different after all.

We’re all just trying to find a way to be good people looking for other good people to stand beside.

If you are a good man, trust me, you’re on the winning side. Don’t change!

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Relationships
Dating
Masculinity
Feminism
Psychology
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