Why Women Are Ditching Monogamy For a More Flexible Dating Style

Should men be worried?

If we didn’t grow up in a patriarchal system, would monogamy have existed?

I have thought about the different lies we’ve been told about our gender- both male and female. From telling women how to seat to forbidding men to cry. There is nothing like a natural or intimate way to be a man or woman. The way we advertise monogamy has led to many failed relationships.

Moreover, monogamy is tougher on women than it is on men. Many women across the world go through the horrors of monogamy every day. From sexual and domestic violence, and online bullying, to everyday casual sexism.

Monogamy is a construct of patriarchy

Everything we know about our gender has been rigged from day one. For one, the taboo around sex was devised by insecure men to put women under their feet. If you think women don’t like sex as much as men, think again.

Some study has proved that women’s libido decreases in long-term relationships, unlike what popular convention says. Women need variety, novelty, and sexual adventure every bit as much as men do, and possibly more. And when they don’t get it, they shut down sexually. Another study revealed that women reach their sexual peak in their 30s or 40s, while men reach their peak in their early 20s.

However, there is no definitive proof about sexual peak for both men and women as other factors contribute to fluctuating sexual desire.

Monogamy is unhealthy and unrealistic

The concept of monogamy expects romantic and sexual exclusivity to be in place very early in their relationships and that they denounce infidelity. It imposes a lot of expectations on their partners.

Those who adopt alternative monogamous relationships — like the ‘consensual non-monogamy’ which allows for romantic or sexual relationships beyond the primary relationship, with the partner’s consent — agree that monogamous relationships are far less stable because people use jealousy, monitoring, and suspicion as tools to hold their partners to this difficult standard.

The monogamous culture expects us to find all our needs in one partner. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that you will meet the right person within a certain period of time. In fact, there’s no guarantee that you’ll EVER meet the right person, but there is hope.

Monogamy dehumanizes women

A woman who boasts of “none” or “few lovers” is valued more highly than a woman who boasts of many lovers. We encourage boys and men to play in the field, sow their seeds and get as many notches on their belts as possible.

We idolize men for being Casanovas, while women are vilified for doing the same. In other words, women are forced into monogamous relationships to maintain their reputations.

That’s why I think monogamy harms women. It makes women pitiful creatures if they don’t marry at a certain age. I despise it when someone asks why a beautiful woman over 35 isn’t married. I hate it more when those same women complain about not being married.

When we make sexual exclusivity the main marker of commitment and love, we are implying that failure to uphold that means that the relationship has failed. And for a single woman without an exclusive commitment, you are stigmatized for not meeting social standards of a desirable woman.

Conventional monogamy is toxic

Monogamy becomes toxic when society dictates the type of relationship couples should have. Monogamy becomes an issue for individuals who eternalize a possessive or unhealthy form of love.

Even the most disciplined person can easily betray their morals when faced with an unexpected and irresistible attraction to another.

We may eventually fall in love with friends and be forced to end the friendship because the feelings are not reciprocated. But just because friendships have the potential to be something more, when one or both of you don’t want it to happen, doesn’t mean we deny all friendships.

Can polyamory replace monogamy in the near future?

Since we grew up in a culture that equates love and loyalty to one man and one woman, it’s very difficult for some people to let go of feelings of jealousy when their partner shows interest in other people.

More people are adopting polyamory as a means to explore their sexuality without validating their self-worth or being subject to toxic monogamous cultures. They feel liberated in polygamous relationships.

The truth is trust and intimacy will always be an issue in relationships, even in polyamory. The dynamic of polyamory is quite complex. However, polyamory gives you the power to honor whatever you want in a relationship.

It’s a way we honor and accepts our truth about connecting with other people without guilt and shame.

Just like me, most women value their independence so much. We also like meeting people and connecting with them. We like being in romantic relationships and getting our sexual needs met. But most importantly, we like having time to ourselves.

I get edgy sharing living space with my partner. However, being a solo polyamorist takes away the burden of sharing space, joining finances, meeting my partner’s parents, and marriage pressure. I don’t feel guilty for not conforming to the traditional relationship style.

Polyamory gives you the opportunity to avoid relationship expectations. You are not obliged to fulfill anyone’s expectations or be entitled to the benefits they provide.

However, no matter what relationship style we choose, we should respect other people’s relationship choices.

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