Why We Find Certain People More Attractive Than Others, According to Science
Hint: It has nothing to do with objectivity
If I were to ask you what you find attractive, what would you say? Would you date someone shorter/much taller than you? Do you think you could fall in love with someone who is not your type?
I decided to look for meaningful connections with people instead of falling for looks, and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. The first message I received from my boyfriend on the online dating app was not the best introduction of all times. However, we did have a great conversation, and I liked his profile pictures. When we first met, I felt happy instantly. We had arranged to meet at a park on a beautiful sunny Sunday. He stood there with his bicycle and grinned at me. I liked his charisma, which radiated pure optimism and joy, which blew me away. After the first awkward seconds of saying hello, we had such a ball, laughing, giggling, and talking for five hours straight. In short: We hit it off right away.
Today, I love our conversations and his opinion on the many things I write about. Truth be told, he influences much of what I write and is an avid critic of my work. Also, I think he is the most handsome guy on this planet — seriously, he is awesome in any way imaginable. Just recently, I asked him what he thought when he saw me for the first time. His answer: I think I thought you were hot and easy to talk to.
Easy communication influences attractiveness
Although we had sent each other several messages beforehand, I couldn’t tell for sure from the photos whether I found him truly attractive. How could I? I didn’t know how old or new the photos were, whether he still had his hair like that, or whether he had gained or lost weight in the meantime. And, more importantly, I wanted to get to know the person behind the profile.
A study found that after a good in-person meeting, people find their future dates more attractive. With online dating platforms such as Tinder, users try to manage the vast number of profiles by picking the seemingly most attractive people. However, rating someone’s attractiveness by judging pictures is not the best way to find a partner. We can overlook crucial aspects such as what makes for a good conversation. The qualities of a good conversational partner influence how attractive they are in our eyes.
But not only smooth communication impact the attractiveness of our date, but also whether the person radiates certain security and commitment. While dating and throughout relationships, we want to know how our partner feels about us and know their intentions. This is why uncertainty, at least to some extent, is a relationship killer.
Being uncertain about love interests is devastating
Before we met for the first time, he told me that he could definitely commit to a relationship. Therefore, we both knew what we were getting into and what our intentions were. For me, it was not like additional pressure, but a kind of security, which I liked very much. So I knew that I was going to meet someone who cared about getting to know me. That was very important to me at that moment.
It’s exactly that sense of security we need, according to several studies. Furthermore, being unsure of a potential romantic partner’s interest in you could cause you to view them as less sexually appealing. Basically, since we are afraid of disappointment, we deceive ourselves into thinking that someone is less desirable. Because we want to know how much our date likes us — if someone doesn’t let us know how they feel, we are inclined to see that person as less attractive.
But it’s not just our fear of possible rejection that influences whether or not we find someone attractive, but also how often we see a person. Or, to put it another way: Proximity plays an integral role in who we find attractive.
Proximity is a powerful indicator of attraction
How often have you heard from great friends that have become lovers? Or have you watched MsMojo’s Top 10 Actors Who Fell in Love on Set? Chances are that you are very familiar with the concept of friends falling in love — proximity is very powerful when it comes to who we find attractive.
The reason scientific reason for this is the familiarity principle. It states that we are drawn to what we are acquainted with. According to studies, facial attractiveness correlates with familiarity and typicality. Meaning that we react positively to the known. As a result, we will naturally develop deeper feelings for someone with whom we share intimate moments regularly.
We can’t influence everything when it comes to love
When I asked my boyfriend why he finds me attractive, he had a long list of traits, characteristics, and looks. There are also many things I truly appreciate about him. And yet, I couldn’t help wondering whether other factors might not have played a role. Were there other factors in our relationship that we couldn’t influence? According to science, yes.
According to science, we are deeply influenced by our environment in who we find attractive. Some studies suggest that opposite-sex parent’s physique influences the preferences of potential partners in heterosexual women and men. Why? Because it’s what we’ve always known growing up. These observations serve as a kind of guideline for a later choice of partner. Full disclosure, I am not sold on this. My white boyfriend looks nothing like my black Dad. I see parallels in the essence of what the two men consider important and where they place themselves politically. But then again, I have been influenced by many people in different ways. To me, these studies are not as compelling as studies looking into how hormones drive us towards potential partners.
For instance, a study from 2016 found that men with high testosterone levels might be more attracted to women with “feminine” faces. To them, feminine faces meant big eyes, high eyebrows, and a smaller jawline. From the perspective of what type of men women find attractive, Steve Gangestad discovered that women are drawn to different men based on where they are in their monthly cycle. Women preferred flings with “caddish” men during their menstrual cycles, and fertile women were more interested in short-term affairs with men who appeared to be cocky. However, women were drawn to long-term relationships with kinder, more conscientious men at other points in their monthly cycle, considered “good father material.”
However, these studies also have caveats, namely that they focus only on heterosexual couple behavior. In addition, hormone levels can also shift artificially. We can change our preferences, and some women are not interested in finding the perfect father for their children. Some women don’t want kids. Maybe it’s time to look at why people fall in love and who they find attractive differently? After all, isn’t it a miracle that people still fall in love?
Love is both journey and destination
Some study results are very conclusive and coincide with my own experiences. Others are not so clear to me. Nevertheless, it certainly makes sense to become aware of what you want, what you are ready for, and to be able to communicate this. Apart from communication skills, proximity, hormones, and many other things, timing is important. Who knows what would have happened if we hadn’t met on that sunny Sunday in the park.
“Love is a journey and a destination — long and excruciating on the way, unexpected and ecstatic if found.” — Stewart Stafford
It takes a lot for us to fall in love. Who we find attractive is anything but objective — the secret of attraction is to love ourselves. When we feel comfortable in our own skin, we radiate that and don’t dwell on the appearances of others. We learn to appreciate good conversations, correctly classify loving gestures, and open ourselves to everything that may come.
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