Why We Can’t Be Happy All The Time

And why that’s important

I once had a goal, I wanted to be happy all the time. The fact that science has no boundaries allowed me to think of that.

So I dug, deeply.

I delved into books written by the best experts, reflected my thoughts, observed emotions in me and those around me. Well, it has been two years now, so here’s the conclusion I’ve got:

“I was a freakin fool”

The human brain is not designed for long-lasting happiness. Not because it wouldn’t be lovely to be in rainbow all the time — but simply because that’s not how the universe works.

Nature doesn’t give a shit about what you desire. It only cares whether those desires are beneficial or not for your survival and reproduction.

Emotional responses — namely anxiety, shame, or happiness — these aren’t supposed to be the end means in itself, but rather the tools to help our ancestors adapt better to their environment. The better they adapted, the better they survived and replicated their genes to the current generation.

This brings us to the field of evolutionary psychology — the branch of knowledge that is crucial to understand our unhappy nature. And as you might intuitively know, understanding the root of our negativity is the first step toward acceptance — and hopefully — a happier life.

The Usefulness of Negative Emotions

No-one loves the pangs of loneliness — it’s killing you mentally and physically. I don’t like to say this too, but, ‘the feeling of loneliness’ itself is actually useful.

The pioneer in the field, John T. Cacioppo, explained it clearly that it is the pain of being alone that motivates us to seek companionship, cooperation, protection — and therefore, a meaningful life.

And in terms of evolution, it’s even more obvious why this is the case. Humans have through millions of years where having companions is the prime differentiator between staying alive or being eaten by ravenous predators. Folks who couldn’t feel lonely wouldn’t pass his genes by now.

You can apply the same logic for other psychological pain. Anger or anxiety might help you to address a problem, guilt or sadness can motivate you to change negative behavior, jealousy may nudge you to work harder, etc.

These are bugs to our happiness for sure, but their stings might be (and was) useful to our benefits — especially if we can use it right.

Change Is The Most Important of All

The other impediment for long-lasting happiness resides in the working of the brain. That is, your brain care mostly about change, so anything that stimulates you at a constant level would soon turn out a background.

Winning a million dollar lottery is undoubtedly a bliss, but imagine being scammed for $500,000 afterwards, wouldn’t that be a pain in the ass? How could this happen when — objectively speaking — you still gained an extra $500,000 in your pocket?

Referring to David M. Buss in his paper The Evolution of Happiness:

“Americans today have more cars, color TVs, computers, and brand-name clothes than they did several decades ago, but Americans are no happier now than they were then.”

In most of our evolutionary course, it is ‘change’ that contains vital information; once things become steady (like the luxurious life of lottery winners), our brains adapt and then recalibrate for something ‘new’.

We are sentenced to run in a treadmill — or more precisely, an emotional rollercoaster — where the merit emerges only when we are enjoying the ride.

Here’s a little wisdom from Jonathan Haidt in his book The Happiness Hypothesis:

“Set for yourself any goal you want. Most of the pleasure will be had along the way, with every step that takes you closer. The final moment of success is often no more thrilling than the relief of taking off a heavy backpack at the end of a long hike.”

Humans Are Competitive By Nature

Why does it hurt to hear a gossip about yourself? Or, from what hell it is pleasurable seeing the downfall of someone you hate? (the Germans have a word for it, “Schadenfreude”)

Like it or not, we’re all descendants of those who win the natural selection of the past — those who were more sensitive to the fluctuation of their social standings.

If you ever feel ‘the low’ of rejection or ‘the high’ of winning an argument, you know what I’m talkin about. Our brains are comparison brains. And the problem is that in the ‘status game’ one’s wins would be the other’s losses. Status game is a zero-sum game.

This raises a question: If a person’s happiness depends in part on another’s misery or failure, is it possible to design lives that improve the quality of all and not just those who happen to get ahead?

I’m not sure about a magic pill (again, our aim is not to be happy all the time), but there is some advice from the experts.

One of which is promoting cooperation. Humans are unique because we can cooperate way beyond our genetic boundaries — we do this by sharing the same goal or fate. When you work for the company you love, or the organization you share a mission with, it’ll be less tempting to place your importance in the sake of whole.

The second option is to compare yourself the ‘right’ way. Old mate Einstein put it well when he said that “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” We can explore what we love and good at, thus, build mastery and reputation around it. Everyone can be good at something.

The Problem With Modernity

I hear this question a lot: “Which one is happier, modern people or their past ancestors?”

That’s a difficult question for sure.

Even when the report shows an up-trend in depression, no-one wants to go back and die out of some parasites or cruel alligators — or endure the pangs of starvation and the extremes of cold and heat.

We live in astonishing comfort compared to the hunter-gatherer society, but that ain’t equal having no challenge — especially when talking about our well-freakin-being. Let me tell you somethin.

For millions of years, humans evolved in small groups comprised of 50–200 close individuals — they wake, hunt, eat, dance, bath, gossip, and pissed off together. The phenomenon of one becoming self-sufficient while surrounded by thousands of unrelated individuals is nothing but the last minute of our history.

So, while your ‘physical-self’ can manage working alone — all day — with only a laptop at your disposal, your ‘emotional-self’ still craves those intimate relationships from a clear-cut, realistic, human appearance.

And the current trend seems pretty alarming, described by Johann Hari:

“We are the loneliest society there has ever been. There’s a study that asks Americans ‘How many close friends do you have that you could call on in a crisis?’ When they started doing it years ago, the most common answer was five. Today the most common answer is none.”

There are also other concerns surrounding the effect of media — which enhance the gap between reality and expectations more than ever. Or the decision fatigue which stems from the fact that we’re now flooded by options no human brain can comprehend.

I’m a believer in science and technology, but their current relationship with ‘well-being’ should somehow be evaluated.

No matter how far we can travel the galaxy or be surrounded with a shitload of comfort available, as long as meaning and tranquility that we lack, the point is none.

Can We Be Happier?

From the fundamental of an atom, up towards an ancient philosophy like Yin and Yang, again, nature shows itself as two opposing forces, each negating the other.

Electron neutralizes proton, order equilibrates chaos, too, happiness balances out unhappiness. The so called ‘positivity’ and ‘negativity’ are actually two sides of the same coin.

But after-all, proposing that we ‘can’t be happy all the time’ isn’t the same as saying that we ‘can’t be happier at all’. And yes, scientific experiments have proven again and again that it’s possible to beef up our happiness level — only in a way we aren’t defaulted to think.

It was ludicrous back then, on how I expected un-ending happiness.

But being wrong was also enlightening because only then I could meet ‘evolutionary psychology’ — the subject in which I learned about the other side of negativity, the nature of competitive behavior, and the fact that we aren’t designed to be ‘Happily Ever After’.

Well, it might be disappointing at first, to know that the truth doesn’t work in our favor. But as wise men would suppose, that is also the first step towards growth, wisdom, and therefore, a happier life.