Why the Psychology of Romantic Rejection Keeps You Hooked on a Person

3 Reasons why we want what we can’t have

I recently got rejected by my first online date, and it’s unbelievable that I am still thinking of him. He was not interested in me, but for some reason, I wanted to believe he got it wrong.

I find myself doing the “work” and trying to accept that I got rejected and asking myself why I would even be interested in someone who didn’t want to get to know me.

But mostly, why am I thinking of this person even more? Especially since we hadn’t spent more than two hours together.

Well, I instantly liked him and felt a connection, but mostly, I got hooked because of the physiology of rejection.

#1 —Rejection can create emotional pain that keeps you hooked

I couldn’t shake the feeling of being rejected because of the emotional pain associated with the experience.

Even though I only spent a few hours with this person, the pain rendered me for a few weeks because of my past experiences with my romantic connections.

As science explains, rejection will activate the same part of the brain as physical pain.

If you cut your forearm, you feel an intense pain sensation known as physical pain, and if you look at a picture of an ex that you haven’t gotten over, this is considered social pain.

Suppose the social pain is sufficiently intense from rejection. You will feel more emotional pain because you can recount the feelings associated with romantic rejection, leaving you hooked on the current person even if you haven’t spent much time with them.

#2 — Romantic rejection could mirror your childhood

If you had parents that emotionally rejected you, then reliving the pain is what feels familiar.

Most people will continue with this cycle of being romantically rejected because they want to change their childhood story. This happens subconsciously, and the only way to transform the outcome is to heal your inner wounds.

“If you were rejected as a child by your caregivers, then it could be the reason you might be seeking adult relationships with unavailable partners.”

Once you can start to recognize the pattern, you’ll be able to disconnect from unavailable people.

You’ll understand that when they say ‘no,’ they mean it. You won’t chase them, manipulate them, or play games. This will ultimately help you step into your power and value your self-worth.

#3 — Romantic rejection feeds the reward center of the brain related to addiction

According to a study by the Journal of Neurophysiology, romantic rejection stimulates the same part of the brain as addiction, motivation, and cravings.

Romantic rejection behavioural characteristics involve psychological attributes such as mood swings, strong sexual desire, and an emotional reunion, which is focused on the preferred individual.

This explains why you can quickly become hooked on someone even if you haven’t spent much time with them, and if this is a repetitive cycle, then it’s even easier to feel like you have fallen for them.

“The study also indicates that romantic love has the same addictive qualities as cocaine use because both share survival systems activation in the brain, causing the obsession to strengthen.”

When you have been rejected, you automatically start to doubt your self-worth with negative thoughts of not feeling good enough. These feelings can create a sense of loneliness and not feeling accepted.

You might ruminate about what you did wrong during a dating experience. Although reflecting on what you could have done better is good, you don’t want to put yourself down continuously.

Acknowledging your feelings and self-reflection will help you rebuild your confidence. By doing so, you will set yourself up for success the next time you decide to date.

In closing

Knowledge is power, and once you start to view romantic rejection as a learning opportunity, you can set proper boundaries for yourself.

Understandably, becoming hooked on someone easily could have something to do with your childhood wounds or past emotional pain.

Try not to focus so much on why the rejection occurred. It might have to do more with them than it does you, and understand that it’s a nudge in the right direction towards someone more worthy of you.

Putting yourself out there is a form of courage, so have some self-compassion and remember the earlier you let go, the sooner you won’t be hooked.

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Jennifer Pitts is a certified nutritional practitioner. Email [email protected] if you want a consultation for nutrition and lifestyle change.

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