MAKING WAVES COLUMN

Why Some Women Have Trouble Discussing Their Sexuality

It’s a layered topic, like many of us, thus showing ways to make it easier and more comfortable

Thursday, January 11, 2024, 1:11pm (*normally published Mondays)

I want to have open discussions about sex because I want to be more intimate with (my wife), and want our intimacy and closeness to grow. My no #1 goal has always been to satisfy her sexually. But I get stonewalled when I try talking to her about it. I feel she doesn’t trust me enough to share these things with me and it really hurts.

As a woman, why do you think this is? Why do some women find it so difficult to discuss this topic? I just don’t understand.

The above excerpt was taken from an email that was sent to me by someone after they read a story I wrote, expressing my own sexuality and the power of orgasms.

I was touched and flattered that the man who sent it felt comfortable enough to share his struggle and open-minded enough to ask for help. I think his questions are valid, and I have personally known many women who have a hard time expressing their sexual desires if they are even in touch with them.

For some, religion plays a factor. I have friends who have grown up Catholic; for example, they have a hard time simply being naked in front of another person of the same gender. Masturbation has oftentimes been seen as a gross or “naughty” thing that only “sinners” do.

The funny thing is

I grew up very religious. I attended a Christian school until eighth grade. I was baptized Catholic and confirmed Lutheran around twelve years old. I left the church at sixteen and lost my virginity the same year.

However, I started having orgasms after accidentally discovering how to do so in the shower around the age of thirteen. I didn’t tell anyone, but I also didn’t feel any shame about it either. I seriously wanted to be a virgin until I got married.

Then, my hormones and education grew. I saw no good reason to deny myself the pleasures of sex as long as I was smart about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control.

A few men that I dated throughout my twenties told me that I was the most sexually empowered woman they knew, which shocked the hell out of me. I was far from Madonna when it came to being bold and in-your-face about my body or sexuality. As I grew older, I understood more of what they meant.

I knew how to give myself immense pleasure. It didn’t happen overnight. I learned and was aware of what my body liked and paid attention to what other people enjoyed.

Thankfully, some of my friends were completely comfortable talking about their sexuality, including adult toys such as vibrators, handcuffs, and erotic material that were meant to arouse the mind as well as the body.

I read a great deal on the topic of male and female sexuality before the Internet made it so easy, and I felt no shame or qualms about it. However, I did notice that the men and women with whom these topics came up and felt embarrassment tended to be more rigid in their demeanor, as well as their way of thinking.

As with many things, I am a firm believer in exploration and education, which is why I’m going to end today’s post with useful links that might help you or someone you know get to know themselves better in mind and body.

Sexuality is a very layered topic that I will continue to peel away over time. There is no rush.

Trauma, known and unknown, is another reason why some women struggle with their sexuality. With care, patience, tenderness, passion, and compassion, we can all gain and possibly share a little more.

What’s been your experience of dealing with your sexuality?

See you next Monday for next week’s topic.

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