Why Some People Don’t Want to Have Children

Enmeshment trauma and being childfree by choice

Anti-natalism consists of views that are against having children and argue that people should abstain from procreation.

They often believe that having children is immoral as life involves suffering and bringing a child into life and therefore potential hardship without their consent is bad. Being child-free by choice can stem from anti-natalism as well as attachment issues. It is often considered a controversial choice, yet a growing number of adults do not have children even if they have the means to do so. The anti-natalistic perspective revolves around the morality of having children. The arguments include:

• Moral Suffering: As mentioned above, this is the argument that life inherently involves suffering, and bringing a child into the world exposes them to this. Reproduction, therefore, is considered ethically wrong as it forces potential hardship on the child without their consent, and as a child cannot consent to being born before being born, according to anti-natalists, this makes procreation immoral by nature.
• Environmental Issues: The effect overpopulation has on the environment can be a concern for many anti-natalists. Humans have a negative impact on the environment. This leads anti-natalists to believe that reducing the population or keeping it the same helps the environment by reducing the degradation due to human activity.
• Lack of Meaning: It is difficult to attribute any meaning or value to life even though many feel that there is a meaning. Some anti-natalists argue that lack of meaning, especially in regard to suffering, justifies refraining from procreation.
• Voluntary Human Extinction: In extreme cases, anti-natalists may advocate for the extinction of humanity as they believe humans cause way too much suffering for other living things around them.

Fear of enmeshment is when someone is afraid of becoming way too involved in someone else’s life to the point their boundaries and/or sense of self are compromised.

It hinders one’s ability to form meaningful connections as they are constantly preoccupied with maintaining distance from others in order to feel safe. This behaviour occurs even when the person is not being enmeshed as they are always on guard and hypervigilant towards any signs that there might be a restraint on their freedom or their personal boundaries are not respected for whatever reason. Here are ways this fear can manifest:

• Avoiding Close Relationships: People with a fear of enmeshment usually have a dismissive avoidant attachment style and prefer to not get close to others. They are territorial over their personal space, which they feel is threatened by intimacy and close relationships. They struggle to trust people and choose to depend on themselves as opposed to other people.
• Having Strict Boundaries: People with a fear of enmeshment often have rigid boundaries in their intimate relationships to maintain distance. They may refuse to communicate, trust or open up to their partners. They may also have restrictions on the time they want to spend with their partners, often choosing to limit this so they don’t feel enmeshed.
• Avoiding Emotional Vulnerability: People with a fear of enmeshment find it challenging to express their feelings and be vulnerable. They may consider this a sign of weakness and feel that it can lead to being taken advantage of or manipulated in some way.
• Anxiety and Stress: People with a fear of enmeshment are preoccupied with maintaining their autonomy and independence. They do not want to be controlled or consumed by their partners’ needs and emotions and hence often want to control the distance between themselves and other people. When they feel that they are unable to do so, this can lead to feelings of helplessness and being trapped.
• An Extreme Need to Be Independent: People with a fear of enmeshment value independence and self-sufficiency above everything. This is often a barrier when it comes to forming healthy relationships as they struggle with interdependence. They see depending on others as a weakness that should be avoided.

Why people with a fear of enmeshment are more likely to be child-free?

Because such people value their independence and freedom above everything, it is very common for them to be afraid of commitment and making long-term plans for the future. They often see having a child as a huge commitment and a burden. The fact that they are worried about losing their personal autonomy and independence makes parenthood a very unattractive choice. The amount of time, attention, and responsibility that comes with having a child is guaranteed to lead to a loss of personal freedom. From their perspective, by remaining childless, they can maintain a sense of self and prioritize their own needs and goals.

Additionally, people with this fear may worry about how a child would affect their relationship with their partner. They prefer to have the option of walking away from a relationship whenever they want to and having a child can be a huge obstacle to that due to the parental responsibilities involved. It is not easy to simply abandon a child. This, according to them, would mean that they are essentially trapped, and because they want to avoid dependency, in most cases they will also want to avoid parenthood.

Anti-natalism features many views that seem to stem from fear of enmeshment such as having a negative view of humans. The fact that people with this fear are overly concerned with being controlled means they are opposed to being forced into doing things and their choices being taken away. Giving birth to a child without getting their consent, to begin with, is basically forcing that child into existence and not giving them any choice in the matter. Not to mention, similar to those with a fear of enmeshment, anti-natalists do not consider bonding, forming relationships and attachments as things that give meaning to life. Many believe that raising children is one of the most important things that gives them a sense of purpose in life. It is therefore likely that those who hold anti-natalistic views develop these due to issues around engulfment anxiety and attachment issues arising from early childhood trauma.

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