Why So Many Men Report Dissatisfaction With Oral Sex—And How To Improve
The psychological oral sex mistake you probably make
Is there an underground epidemic of bad blowjobs?
When I polled my private Facebook group of 1.5k men from around the world, they said that they received unsatisfactory oral sex from 75–100% of their female sexual partners.
A quick Google search pulled up forum after forum of guys expressing similar experiences. Why? The short answer is probably a combination of factors, ranging from lack of self-awareness to personal preferences. Not to mention, men poorly communicating their needs to their partners.
Before we go deeper into the article, first a disclaimer: Not all women give bad blowjobs. Some women gallop in as oral sex unicorns blessed with blowjob magic.
Also, unsatisfying oral sex is not a male or female-specific experience. We both know that many men could use some help navigating the intricacies of oral pleasure.
Even if your man doesn’t tell you he’s unsatisfied, trust me, he wants you to take blowjob mastery into your own hands.
And I’m going to help you.
The Psychological Block to Better Blowjobs
Like many men, many women struggle to accurately assess their own oral sex skills. It’s tempting to think you are the exception. “Hey buddy,” you might say, “You don’t know me. I’m the queen of blowjobs. No guy has ever complained!”
I get it. Accepting flaws is painful. And hey, maybe you really do give mindblowing blowjobs.
However, the biggest obstacle to better blowjobs is psychological, not physical. In other words, it’s not about skill — although that matters, too. Instead, it’s often a matter of mindset.
Many women mistakenly think they give good blowjobs because a guy is moaning or orgasming. However, moans and compliments might simply be positive reinforcement.
Good signs, for sure, but not definitive proof of profound blowjobs.
Maybe an ex-boyfriend won’t stop pestering you about blowjobs. Maybe every male partner you’ve ever had praised your performance. Doesn’t that mean anything?
Absolutely. It could certainly mean that you give great blowjobs. But, it could also mean that the ex might just really like blowjobs. As far as orgasming, almost anyone can make most guys orgasm. It’s actually super easy.
A good comparison is listening.
I taught evidence-based listening skills for 13 years all over the United States. I even coached trained therapists, social workers, and CEOs. Most people believe they listen much better than they actually do — even when they get paid to listen.
Many people believe in their own hype.
Anyone can listen, but can you do it well? Can you listen in a way that ushers in deeper understanding and intimacy? For most people, probably not as well as they might think.
In his article on Tango.com, Nick Hardwick says:
As a bisexual guy who’s received countless blow jobs from both men and women, trust me when I say that 99% of women are nowhere near as good at giving head as they think.
Hopefully, you can come at this information with an open mind. Hopefully, you can accept the possibility that you can give even better blowjobs.
If so, let’s talk about why this might happen in the first place.
Why Some Women Don’t Give Better Blowjobs
This article is not about blame. It’s about opening up a conversation with yourself and/or with your partner. It’s about breaking down walls and bringing back better blowjobs.
After all, according to a national study on oral sex, giving better blowjobs correlates with higher relationship quality. Consequently, the higher men perceive relationship quality, the more frequently they give their female partners oral sex.
Therefore, better blowjobs help everyone get a happy ending.
From my research and experience, here are the main reasons many men report bad blowjobs:
- Some women think blowjobs are easy.
- Some women assume they give great blowjobs.
- Some women misinterpret positive compliments for skill.
- Some women feel unmotivated to please their partners.
- Some women don’t like blowjobs.
- Some men don’t practice proper male hygiene.
- Some men don’t give their partners good feedback.
Again, the major barrier (that you can control) seems to be an assumption of expertise (aka, denial). I’m bringing this concept up repeatedly because it’s seemingly the most common. If someone already thinks they give great blowjobs, there’s no reason to improve.
Yes, it would be great for you to get better feedback from your partners.
Unfortunately, that’s not something that you can control. Many men don’t tell women they are unsatisfied. Many men also want to encourage their partners. They don’t want to be dicks about getting their dicks sucked.
A mature relationship involves open and honest communication, even the sometimes more difficult conversations about sexual preferences. Hopefully, your partner will express what they want.
In case they don’t, the good news is there are some very simple steps to give better blowjobs.
How To Give The Best Blowjob of His Life
The specific definition of a great blowjob depends on each man. I have written about the science of better blowjobs, which is a great deep dive into the topic.
“In the Bengali language, there’s not a real word for blowjob. They call it ‘doing the ice cream.’” — Michael Glawogger
However, the principles of better blowjobs remain strikingly similar. The first step is acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, you can improve at giving blowjobs. Once you’ve taken that step, you’re more than halfway home.
Here are a few more ways:
- Give more blowjobs.
- Give unprompted blowjobs.
- Give longer blowjobs.
- Give more suction. Turn your mouth and throat into a vacuum.
- Use some form of lubrication. My favorite is coconut oil.
- Use your hands.
- Don’t neglect his balls (some men love ball-play).
- Enjoy it! He wants to see, hear, and feel how much you love it.
The biggest blowjob request from many men is an enthusiastic partner — someone who loves giving them oral. Someone who doesn’t view blowjobs as an obligation or chore.
How To Get Better Feedback From Him
The next and most important step is to talk to your partner.
He may be reluctant at first, so start slow and light. Let him know that you want honest feedback because you really want to give him better blowjobs. Then try to avoid any hint of defensiveness if and when he gives you feedback.
He’ll probably still hesitate and beat around the bush, so you’ll likely have to draw out the full truth from him. The more open, accepting, and positive you remain, the more likely that he will be honest with you.
You may not like what he says, but try to accept it openly and humbly. If he sees that you are getting upset or defending yourself, he’s likely to stop sharing and backpedal.
His default will probably be to lie to your face.
That’s why it’s so important that your approach is light, slow, and 100% positive. If he senses any trouble at all, he’ll probably retract into his shell.
Here are some questions to help him open up:
- What would make blowjobs even better for you?
- In a perfect world, how often would you get blowjobs?
- What’s your favorite part of a blowjob?
- How tight or soft do you like me to grip?
- Do you like more or less suction?
- Do you like your balls played with or sucked?
- Will you show me what you like?
Then listen, take notes, and keep the conversation open and ongoing. There may be things that he likes about blowjobs that he just doesn’t think of at this moment.
It’s not a one conversation topic. People and preferences change. He may like one thing at certain times that he doesn’t like at other times.
Sex experts interviewed by Cosmopolitan offer this advice:
The single biggest piece of advice I can give – whether for blow jobs or cunnilingus – is to watch your partner masturbate so you can see speed and the amount of pressure they use. Because that’s going to be subjective for everyone,” Melvoin-Berg says.
Communication and experimentation will go far.
The Blowjob Challenge
This is your blowjob challenge — if you’re willing to accept it. I challenge you to give your partner at least one surprise blowjob per week. Surprise him at a time he least expects it and without him asking.
It could be first thing in the morning, the last thing at night, or just randomly in the middle of the day. You might even send him a sexy surprise text while he is working saying that you can’t wait to give him a blowjob that night.
Each week, switch up the days and times so that it doesn’t become a routine. The anticipation of the surprise blowjob will drive him crazy.
I can almost guarantee that he will absolutely love it.
Finishing Thoughts
If you take one thing from this article, I hope that you consider enhancing your blowjob skills. Even the best oral sex champions can get better. Start with the challenge and the principles in this article.
For those looking for the shortest route to better blowjobs, here it is: give more blowjobs and give them enthusiastically.
“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.” — Sidonie Gabrielle Colette