Howl

Why Sexual Bucket Lists Are Important

And why you should make one

I’ve written about a lot of topics on Medium, some of which you might assume were quite popular: a sexual fetish about breast milk, for instance, my penchant for nipple play, or a very detailed story about penetration and thrusting. And while yes, those articles all received a lot of views, there is one that has outpaced everything else I have written here: a little article called My Sexual Bucket List.

I wrote that article in August, about six weeks into my Medium journey. At the time, I was writing exclusively about sex and I had been unpacking so much shame I had carried around my sexuality. Revisiting my past, identifying what hadn’t worked, and learning what I wanted made me want to really clarify my sexual intentions for the future.

The content of my list wasn’t revelatory or even particularly daring. I have very simple aspirations to experience some things I have never experienced before.

What was daring was the fact that I wrote it and published it without explanation or rationalization. One of my issues around my sexuality is that I’ve always felt that if I talk about sex — and certainly if I write about it — that it has to be for a bigger purpose. You know, like empowering other women, or educating readers, or…

But no. I didn’t question my choice to write about my desires. And to dare to do so with no “greater purpose” in mind. I did it for myself. I did it because there are some things I want to experience, simple as they might be, and I wanted to be bold enough to put that out into the world.

I never would have dreamed that that article would someday be viewed more than any of my other articles or that it would become my biggest earner. I never imagined all the amazing sexual bucket lists that were about to be published by my fellow goddess writers.

Over time, I began to understand the power of the sexual bucket list and why they are so important.

A declaration of desire

There is power in a woman who declares her desire. It doesn’t matter what that desire is, or where it falls on the kink spectrum. Daring to speak up for the pleasure we want to experience shifts the power balance of the universe. It strengthens us and reminds us of our sovereignty — a sovereignty we had once lost.

Inspiration

A woman’s sexual bucket list inspires other women. To see someone dare to declare what they want is empowering.

Further, the content of our sexual bucket lists can inspire others. Maybe we wouldn’t have thought of certain activities or positions and needed a push to think bigger. Maybe our lists felt too aspirational to begin with and it helped to see someone’s simpler list (yeah, mine probably) which inspires experiences that feel easier to attain from where we stand now.

Knowing — and celebrating — the fact that she wants it

One of my favorite things about women’s sexual bucket lists is that it shows how much a woman wants to express her sexuality. In a culture that constantly feeds us the damaging myth that women don’t like sex as much as men do, we can see so clearly the lack of truth in that when we look at the diversity of experiences on each woman’s list. Maybe someone just wants to have an orgasm while on all fours (yeah, me again), while others are hoping to enjoy group sex or to try anal for the first time. There are so many expressions of female sexual desire out there and it’s exciting to see them all.

Why you should make one

I think everyone — especially women — should have a sexual bucket list. If there are things you absolutely must experience in this life, then be daring enough to declare it and own it. And make sure you find partnerships that will allow you to pursue what’s on your list.

But more than that, I think it’s so important for everyone to state their desire. Not because we feel entitled to have the people in our lives satisfy that desire, but because we take ownership of it. When we take ownership of our desire, we feel more empowered. The more empowered we feel, the easier it becomes to fulfill our desire.

Sexual bucket lists open up conversations that we need to have — with ourselves and with others. They help us orient ourselves toward what we want and to discuss this with our intimate partners. These discussions have the opportunity to deepen our relationships or to set us free to find partners or new relationship agreements that are more fulfilling.

Looking ahead

If I had to choose one article that truly set me on a new path, sexually speaking, I would most definitely choose My Sexual Bucket List. I learned so much from writing that and seeing people’s responses to it. And it has made me think a lot about my future.

Yes, I want to expand my sexual bucket list. No, not revise it. I’m perfectly happy with the first five items on my list, simple as they might be. I want to add to it.

I have seen the power of desire in my life and even in my work. And I want more. I want to keep identifying what I want and I want to keep declaring that to the world. I don’t expect to get everything I want, but that’s not the point.

What’s powerful is the declaration. What makes me feel fulfilled is knowing myself better. What makes me feel strong is daring to declare what I want without any expectation — even if others judge me for it.

I don’t care. I’m gonna do it anyway.

Because the power of female desire can change our lives.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2020

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