Does Breast Milk Turn You On?

Exploring the world of erotic lactation and its sexist stigmas.

While visiting my sister the other day, she asked me how my sex column was going and wondered if I had gotten harassed by any perverts lately.

No, I told her. I can’t say that I’ve really encountered any perverts in my time here. Sexist assholes, yes, but no one making particularly pervy comments.

She then told me about her own recent experience with online perverts on a forum for women selling their breast milk — something she used to do for a little extra cash and to help moms in need.

“There are so many breastfeeding perverts out there,” she lamented. “I’d have to have Andrew [her husband] read my emails for me because I couldn’t handle the guys who wanted to buy it so they could drink it or jerk off into it.”

I didn’t tell her that I thought such behavior wasn’t actually pervy (except for the fact that they felt the need to disclose their sexual intentions in great detail), but I was fascinated by this niche “fetish” — if you can call it a fetish — that I didn’t know about.

“Yeah,” she went on. “There’s a whole population of people who get off on breastfeeding. It’s nasty.”

I didn’t feel comfortable getting into a discussion about breast-related fetishes with a woman who’s had six children, so I silently agreed to disagree. And then I went home and did some serious research on the subject.

As it turns out, yes, breastfeeding among adults for sexual pleasure or emotional bonding is totally a thing. Apparently, it’s called Adult Nursing Relationships or ANR. I’m not thrilled with that moniker — can we skip the word “nursing,” please? As it turns out, yes, we can. Others refer to it as Erotic Lactation*. So much better.

“There’s a whole population of people who get off on breastfeeding. It’s nasty.”

In short, ANR occurs when one partner is lactating (either following a pregnancy or as a result of induced lactating — yes, you can do that) and the other consumes the breast milk by sucking on their partner’s nipples. You know — like breastfeeding.

However, an important distinction to make here is that this is not the same thing as Infantilism, in which one partner role plays as a baby and the other as the mother figure. ANR is simply two (or more) consenting adults giving and receiving breast milk through the act of suckling.

Some people find it erotic. Some do it just to enjoy the intense feelings of intimacy they gain from this act. And others even do it for health reasons.

Despite the fact that many people enjoy this, it is deeply stigmatized. Many people find it to be a deviant sexual act, bordering on incest or incest fantasy because of its association with breastfeeding one’s child. Even my sister, who is pretty liberal about sex, clearly felt like sexuality shouldn’t get too close to the mammary glands.

But me? Bring it on.

I’m stoked to learn about the Erotic Lactation community. I’m not alone! I’ve always fantasized about having a baby and then letting my partner drink my breast milk while we were having sex. This probably doesn’t surprise you. I’ve been told I have pervy fantasies. And everyone knows how much I like to have my nipples sucked.

Many people find it to be a deviant sexual act, bordering on incest or incest fantasy because of its association with breastfeeding one’s child.

I don’t find it perverted, deviant, or even the slightest bit weird — and I never have. I can remember watching that episode of Friends in which everyone is grossed out by Phoebe and Joey tasting Carol’s breast milk. Later, Susan, Carol’s partner, likens it to cantaloupe juice, revealing, perhaps, a little ANR action? I was in my early twenties when that episode aired and I thought it was hot as fuck. What was everyone so uptight about?

I still don’t totally get it. We drink milk from cows, for heaven’s sake, but we won’t drink each other’s milk? And it’s somehow wrong to suck on someone’s nipples if liquid comes out, but not deviant if one isn’t lactating and the suckling is dry? That seems awfully arbitrary to me.

Except, I do get it, at least a little bit. Our culture treats motherhood as an exalted role. It’s sacred. I have friends who stopped having sex with their husbands for months after having a baby because they felt it was wrong — that their bodies were now for their babies, not for pleasure. I know women who stopped indulging in breast play during sex after having children because they felt dirty receiving sexual pleasure in that area after using that part of their bodies to feed a child. (Once again, thanks patriarchy!)

Now these are the beliefs and practices that are fucked up — not the act of letting your partner drink your breast milk. By that, I mean no shame — if it truly doesn’t turn you on, that’s fine. But hanging on to puritanical and patriarchal values that prize the virtuousness of motherhood over even our own normal and healthy sexuality is so harmful — to our sex lives, to our partnerships, to ourselves, and even to those children who drank from our saintly bosom.

…it’s somehow wrong to suck on someone’s nipples if liquid comes out, but not deviant if one isn’t lactating and the suckling is dry?

Full disclosure, though: I’m not a mother. I realize that breastfeeding women who have sore, chapped nipples might have a genuine and legitimate aversion to Erotic Lactation. I realize that enduring one more second of having something (breast pump) or someone (baby, partner) tugging at their breast might send them running.

It’s not for everyone and no one should ever feel hesitant to say no to a partner who wants to indulge.

But count me in. I’ll happily identify with the “outliers” and advocate for their cause. Because damn, it’s hot. My former partner used to suck on my nipples so often and for such long periods of time that I often had to use nipple balm to keep them from getting painfully chapped and irritated. It is an intensely pleasurable experience for me, not just in terms of sexual arousal, but also how much it made me feel connected to my partner. And apparently, he enjoyed it a lot, too.

No, I wasn’t lactating, but to me, the thought of that only adds another layer of pleasure and intimacy to the act. To actually be able to physically nourish a partner during the act of sex with something my body made — damn, that is crazy-ass hot to me.

I’ll happily identify with the “outliers” and advocate for their cause. Because damn, it’s hot.

I can tell you, though, that my partner never would have indulged. Like many, he felt that it was immoral to sexualize anything associated with motherhood. I suspect he wouldn’t have even wanted to have sex with me if I’d ever gotten pregnant.

But this is part of the problem. We have to stop creating all these arbitrary rules around women and their sexuality — arbitrary rules that enforce the sexist dictates about what’s pure, appropriate, and “normal.”

The female breasts are amazingly multi-functional — they feed, they comfort, and they provide pleasure to others and to their owners. It’s acceptable behavior for a child or a lover to lay their head down on our chest and receive an embrace or cuddle. Using that same logic, why should it matter to whom (or how) we dispense our breast milk?

It shouldn’t. And it doesn’t.

Author’s note: Since I’ve written this piece, I’ve discovered that the terms Adult Nursing Relationships and Erotic Lactation are not necessarily interchangeable. The former is sometimes practiced by couples who are not lactating and it’s performed much like a child nursing from its mother, though not necessarily with elements of infantilism. Whereas the latter tends to lean more into nipple play and kink (though not necessarily) and includes genuine breast milk. Please forgive the error.

© Yael Wolfe 2019