Why Mambo №. 5 Should Replace Your Wedding Vows
The woman of your dreams deserves the Lou Bega song of her dreams.
If the first note of this song doesn’t put a smile on your face then ask yourself what deep, subdued, inner conflict you have with the trumpet. Because a horn section that lively should have you instantly mamboing your number fives. Feel free to apply that euphemism to anywhere on your body.
There is a lack of appreciation for the Fifth Mambo in Lou Bega’s arsenal. I don’t blame Lou, and I certainly don’t blame myself. I am willing to place all the blame, in totality, on those reading this. It’s time we give this mambo the respect it deserves. Perhaps it needs a new platform to thrive upon, outside of the 90s rewind channel on Sirius XM. I’ve petitioned to have it replace our National Anthem countless times. Just picture a gold medalist atop a podium, hand placed proudly on breast, and over the loudspeaker, we hear “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mambo №. 5.” Chills. However, I have come to the conclusion that there is a better place for Lou’s lyricism to live on, wedding vows.
“But I’m using Drops Of Jupiter by Train for my wedding vows.” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were getting married in skinny jeans. You’re professing your love to your betrothed, not writing a thesis in a coffee shop. Grow up. If you’re struggling to create your wedding vows, and need to pack an emotional punch, please consider the following lyrics.
“One, two, three-four-five”
Counting yourself into your wedding vows is just good taste.
“The boys say they want some gin and juice
But I really don’t wanna
I must stay deep because talk is cheap”
Before you met your wife, all your friends were out every weekend drinking their gin and mixing it with their juice. But superficial things like getting drunk didn’t fulfill you. You needed to look deep within yourself to realize true love is what would make you feel whole. I know, already you’re thinking: “Holy shit, these actually make good wedding vows.”
“I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita
And as I continue you know they getting sweeter”
You have been with a lot of girls. Dozens. Each one hotter than the last. Really drive home the attractiveness of EACH woman. It’s important your wife knows what you’re giving up. Now, you might get some off-putting looks from the crowd, but just stick to the script. Trust in Lou.
“So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord
To me is flirting it’s just like sport”
Like you would in most wedding vows, establish that you are not only good at flirting with other women but that you are also extremely good at sports. This helps her family understand your athletic genes for your future offspring.
“Let me dump it, please set in the trumpet”
Proclaim that you are ready to DUMP that lifestyle. You’re giving up those nights of promiscuous women and juice to settle with your trumpet. The trumpet is the heart of a band; Lou Bega knew this to be true. If you have ever spent time with the Late-90s-Mambo-Latin-Pop community (as most of us have), then you should know that to call a woman a trumpet is the HIGHEST form of praise.
“A little bit of Monica in my life…
A little bit of you makes me your man”
The chorus; the climax of your vows. You list out every girl you have ever had a sexual encounter with. It’s crucial she knows as many names as possible, because you are showing her SHE is the chosen one. She is your trumpet, and you are her man. I apologize for everyone reading this who is already married. Must feel pretty horrible to know you could have used a trumpet metaphor and instead you went with “til death do us part.”
“Jump up and down and move it all around
Shake your head to the sound
Put your hand on the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap your hand once and clap your hands twice”
Let me make this very clear: nothing says I love you more than clapping 3 times while doing, what appears to be, a box step.
“I do all to fall in love with a girl like you
’Cause you can’t run and you can’t hide
You and me gonna touch the sky”
Repeat. Verbatim. This should be the closing lines of any speech given. Ralph Waldo Emerson wishes he had a half the literary schtick to write something so invigorating. You want a quote that will have your audience shaking in tears? See Lou Bega.
You may blow your trumpet, or maybe just kiss the bride.
