Why it’s Okay to Live for Yourself

Putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s necessary.

One day I woke up exhausted for the umpteenth time in however many consecutive days for however many months. My uncle was knocking on my door, waking me up at the crack of dawn on my first off day in 9 days, asking me to do something he could’ve done himself. It had been almost two years of me being everything and everyone to my family since my mom died, and like every other day, I operated on autopilot. I went through the motions and then climbed back in bed, only to be yelled at for being lazy and irresponsible. When I was finally left to my own devices and even more exhausted than I thought was humanly possible, I sobbed like a baby.

I had honestly forgotten what it felt like to not be spread thin, to not be carrying so many people on my back, to not want to cry at the drop of a hat, to not be so damn tired. It was then I had a realization that no matter how much I did or how much I sacrificed, it would not be enough.

I’d like to say this was the moment I woke up and made a change, but this was not it. I was still working 80+ hours at an abusive job, taking care of my siblings, doing all the cooking and cleaning, keeping track of the finances, and giving the biggest chunk of what little money I had towards the house. I did all of this while dealing with my toxic family member's abusive behavior daily. I wanted to help. I wanted to keep my family together because that was all I knew. I wanted everyone to be okay. Doing that left me even more vulnerable than I already was, and I started sinking fast.

I had been dealing with some health issues for a while at this point, and all the stress was taking its toll, and I was getting dangerously close to tipping over the edge I had been balancing on for too long. My health issues eventually took me to the ER multiple times at one point, and there I had a Cancer scare. Thankfully, it wasn’t cancer, but I was still extremely sick.

Then one day the moment came where things changed. I was curled up in the fetal position on the hallway floor in so much pain I couldn’t breathe correctly. My brother had an attitude because he had to take me back to the ER, and my uncle looked me dead in the face laughed at me, and oh so amusedly said, “I bet you’ll stop eating all that junk now.” Somehow my multiple ER visits and weeks of pain and vomiting all boiled down to a crack at my weight. That was the moment I knew I needed to stop taking care of people who obviously had no intention of taking care of me.

I thought being so selfless was such an admirable and kind trait to have, but I was drowning in it. I was quite literally killing myself trying to take care of my family, and it hurt to realize they wouldn’t do the same. From there, I made the conscious decision to pull back. I decided from that moment on, I would start living for myself instead of my family.

It wasn’t a clean break. It took some time for me to recover from my illness, and in that time, I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions and face a lot of truths. I read a lot of books and articles. One quote stood out amongst them all.

“It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.”

I had given them so much power over the years. I used to think putting myself first was selfish, but this one quote validated the decisions I was making to protect my energy and my peace. Being a glorified house mother and maid didn’t make me happy, so I stopped. For so long I thought making sure my family was good made me happy. I thought I was meant to take care of my loved ones. It wasn’t until my uncle quite literally broke my heart in that hallway that I realized I was never happy. I was sad. I was neglected. I was taken advantage of. I was angry. I was so far from happy it wasn’t funny, and I wanted to be happy.

A Change for the Better

I took my power back bit by bit. I took the time to rest when I needed to rest. I stopped cleaning up after everyone. I stopped cooking. I stopped volunteering my money to fix their mess-ups. If there was something that they could do themselves, I was unavailable. This ultimately led to a big blowout with my uncle when I wouldn’t clean up his dishes that had been stacked up in the sink for multiple days, and I was kicked out. Thankfully, my friends are the best support system a girl could have. All my things were moved out in a couple of hours. I’ve been renting a room for the last year.

It was abundantly clear that I was not happy with the person I was, and I elected to change that. You know how I did it? I focused on myself and what I wanted and needed to be happy. I also acknowledged and reiterated that putting my wants and needs first wasn’t selfish. It was necessary.

I started writing again.

I had started growing a following for my poetry on Instagram, but it was one of the many things I let fall by the wayside. I now have regular readers that I interact with daily, and my follower count is officially in the thousands. I also had been working on my first poetry collection, before it all became too much, and the words stopped. For what seemed like forever I didn’t have anything to say. It had just been collecting dust. I am happy to say that it is almost finished, and I could not be prouder of myself. Finally, I am now writing on Medium. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and now I am going for it.

I am a business owner.

I officially launched my freelance writing business not too long ago and have been steadily working to get clients. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. With freelancing, I’ve taken my writing career into my own hands, and it feels amazing. I’m small potatoes right now, but I am working towards my goals every day, and I don’t see that being true much longer.

I’ve re-connected with my friends and made new ones.

I prioritized my friends. My friends are my chosen family, and they are worth all the time and effort I choose to give. I’ve branched out and made new connections now that I have so much more energy to go around. I feel like I’ve really found my tribe as an adult.

I’ve established boundaries.

I’ve cut all contact. I am no longer available for anything that does not benefit me in a positive way. I will not be disrespected or used. I will not be talked to in any way that demeaning or insulting. I am not the scapegoat for anyone else’s mistakes. I do not put energy into anything that is not worthy of it.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying it's worth it. I spent months feeling isolated and alone being away from my family the first couple of months. I was terrified of failing at being on my own, but I got to work. I acknowledged the parts of me that were comfortable existing in that environment, and I did the work to move past that version of me. I became the best version of myself after I took the plunge and put myself first. I am now living up to my potential in ways I could never imagine. I am existing in a peaceful headspace and environment, and I am creating a life for myself on my terms.

The Takeaway

Respecting your own needs and wants does not make you a selfish person.

If you’re constantly depleting yourself doing for other people, there will be nothing left for you.

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. It’s a necessity moving through life.

You have to make your happiness a priority. You don’t want to go through life helping everyone else’s lives happen, because when you look back at yours, there will be nothing to show for it.

You have the power to make these things possible for yourself. It all starts with you putting your all into yourself. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it.

Be Open Says;

Writers! Let’s be open!

Writers should take this!