Why It’s Exhausting to be with a Narcissist

Understanding the Repetitive Nature of the Cycle of Abuse

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If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for any length of time, you may wonder why you are exhausted. The exhaustion begins with mental confusion and then reverts to physical exhaustion.

Why is this so? Why does this occur? Why am I so mentally drained?

It’s exhausting to be with a narcissist for several reasons and in this episode, we are going to talk about why it’s mentally draining and conclude with some tips so you can begin to think outside the box regarding a situation or relationship you may be in.

Let’s get to it.

UPS AND DOWNS

You may be exhausted if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist because you may be entangled within the stages, a cyclical pattern that repeats, and this cycle is exhausting.

First, the narcissist will take you through the love bomb stage, to build you up and feed you with compliments, though they are empty as they are: they are false flattery, and the intent is to set you up so to be a source of supply (amongst other things).

Related: Love-Bombing: The Subtle Insult and What is Really Occurring

DEVALUE

Then when the love bomb stage has ended, the narcissist will take you through the devalue stage. This is where they become highly critical of your endeavors, whether they are viewed as positive for the relationship or not, or they will nitpick on some of the tasks that you perform on the regular.

Then, they may comment on the way you do your hair, the clothes you wear, why you say certain things, your mannerisms and these are all very personal things and is our method of expression.

Then to add salt to the wound, the narcissist will go deeper subtly with belittling, minimizing, not listening to you, not providing credence to the things you say or do, (I have a list of the tactics in more detail-Check out Master Manipulators on Audio), but these tactics are again, meant to wear you down not only emotionally so you begin to think less of yourself and start to devalue yourself without them doing it, but so that you will be locked into a pattern which they have created and to which you are oblivious to.

DEVALUING IS ON REPEAT

The cycle is exhausting especially when it is on repeat and if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is going to be on repeat. And not only on repeat, but the narcissist will find clever new ways to diminish you and to take away your fire, your passions, your drive all while it is not noticed.

Do they want their tactics to be exposed? Certainly not.

There will always be something new they criticize. There will not be one day where they turn around and suddenly are happy for you, are supportive, and show true genuine care and concern for you.

CYCLE IS NOT NOTICED

At first, the cycle is not really noticed, or honestly, in some situations, it can take years or decades to see the pattern unfold. The relationship may be interpreted as ‘huge communication issues’, ‘huge discrepancies with information in the relationship’, ‘big misunderstandings’, and ‘unresolved conflict’ that you work so hard to resolve, but didn’t know the intent was for it to never be resolved but the intent is for you to remain in the cycle so you would be a source to inflate their grandiose ego.

It’s exhausting because you are working hard to perform, harder and harder, but are getting absolutely nowhere all while being wrecked from the inside.

IF THE NARCISSIST WERE HONEST

The narcissist, if they were honest, would laugh and mock at your attempts, because they know it will never be good enough. They will always find fault, or some area of improvement that could be made or they will purposely not even acknowledge your attempt. And this is why you are exhausted.

SIMULTANEOUS CYCLES

It’s absolutely maddening. What makes it so maddening is not only going through the stages but there are multiple events going on simultaneously, yes, multiple cycles and this is often not talked about.

You may be belittled at the same times as being gaslight, then ignored, then an hour later love-bombed only to then find out you are not being told the full and real story of a situation. It’s like being on a roller coaster that goes upside down than sideways, then goes backward, then the floor drops out, and then it starts to rain, over and over again. And, at first, you think it’s you.

VALIDATION

Let me tell you here and now, if you are facing these types of shenanigans on a repeated cycle, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist, and this may be why you are mentally drained and physically exhausted.

After a time, you may start to feel overwhelmed, incur feelings of inadequacy — feeling you must be perfect, must perform to keep the relationship intact, can’t be real, can’t be yourself, and you begin to morph into the person the narcissist wants you to become without even realizing it. It’s slow and subtle and you start to lose the structure you have built for your life.

WHAT IS REALLY OCCURRING

The narcissist is tearing you down emotionally, yes, they claim they are for you with some words they use occasionally, but their actions are devaluing you.

A NARCISSIST NEEDS A CONTINUAL SUPPLY

A narcissist will seek supply, but what makes it so mentally draining is that is it continual. No matter how much supply you provide to them, it will not be enough.

You can pour out and pour out, but the tank of the narcissist will be left on empty, the needle will not move. The tank will not even move to half full, so they are constantly seeking others to pour into them, so they are sustained with energy to move forward.

The narcissist takes your energy and then uses it to manipulate and gaslight you, so they have more supply. So, the very fuel you feed them gets turned around on you in backward ways.

Just attention alone is not enough for a narcissist. Just doing something nice for them is not enough. Just listening to them complain is not enough. Solving their problem is not enough.

There is a constant supply deficit for a narcissist, and they need sources to fill them — even though the needle won’t budge.

So, it’s frustrating and a daunting task if you are a source for a narcissist, as the narcissist will keep on taking, more and more, without regard for how you are left after you have given.

YOUR MOTIVES

Now, your motives for edifying the narcissist at first are filled with positive intentions, as it’s normal to complement one another, but with a narcissist, it’s a totally different story and set of circumstances.

In a healthy relationship, when someone provides an uplifting compliment, it’s meant to edify, encourage, and even bring relationships closer, but when in a relationship with a narcissist, they will take the supply and turn it against you. Once you have provided supply to a narcissist, hoping for a positive outcome for once, they will then put you down, demean you and be highly critical of your endeavors. This cycle leads to exhaustion.

At first, you may not understand what is happening and will oblige the narcissist and will provide greater and greater supply. So, the narcissist sticks around, since it’s an awesome supply, which they need. When the supply has decreased or isn’t providing enough, the narcissist will revert to the backup sources to provide fuel to get them over the next hump.

ALWAYS GIVING

The narcissist is always on the receiving end of the relationship. They are set to receive the supply you provide. Too, they are measuring how much supply you are providing. Your supply is like a dopamine hit for the narcissist. They need it. Your supply is like an addiction. It’s like you are the drug to the addict.

HAVING TO DEAL WITH TACTICS

It’s mentally exhausting to be constantly faced with a high level of criticism, while being demeaned, unable to share in conversations without getting cut off, not being heard, being put down, minimized, being gaslit, not believed, having to work for affection or any deserved recognition, disregarded, treated as less, ignored and provided with no help spite the circumstances and the icing on the cake is the lack of empathy.

They cannot see from your viewpoint, nor do they care how their tactics leave you shattered, emotionally drained, and mentally exhausted.

It’s no wonder you are on emotional overload. Let me tell you now if this is you and you are faced with this style of relationship, it’s not you. You may be in a relationship with a narcissist.

IN CONCLUSION

The repetitive nature of the cycle is wearing you down. You may be trying to do everything right, and it will never be enough. It may be time to exit the highway (rollercoaster) because the emotional ramifications for staying are deep and heavy. Too, the tactics will only get worse, they will become more convoluted, and it will be harder to leave the longer things continue.

If this is you, you may wish to explore the process of going no contact (or grey rock). Leaving a narcissist does not come without challenges, and having a plan is key. Perhaps you have tried to leave the narcissist before and then came back and are listening to this episode today. It’s okay to try again. It may take multiple attempts.

Have you wondered why you are exhausted in a relationship with a narcissist? Has this article been helpful?

Thank you for reading!

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Originally published at https://www.movingforwardafterabuse.com on December 9, 2021.