Why Is It So Hard To Ask For Help

The words get stuck in my throat

I have had a tough time lately. To the point where I am in tears most days. Something that is really not like me. I am usually quite a placid person, able to shrug off most things. But not lately.

There is not any one thing that has made it tough lately, rather it is a culmination of all the things in the last 12 months. I mean, let's face it, 2020 sucked! The beginning of 2021 has not been much better.

What has the last 12 months looked like?

• Working as a nurse during a pandemic.
• Having my son think I was going to die at work during covid (thanks to some “kind” stranger who thought that was an appropriate thing to tell a 5-year-old). He was plagued by nightmares and every time I left the house for work he clung to me and cried.
• My nana was diagnosed with a terminal illness.
• My husband was away during the height of lockdown.
• Not seeing my parents or siblings for so long during the multiple lockdowns.
• Balancing work, writing, and life in general.

There is a lot more….a heap more going on at a personal level that I am not ready to talk about or write about yet. Maybe one day, but not yet. It has all added up to the hot mess I have been through this week.

My partner has been amazing. Even going so far as to going out late one night to buy my favourite ice cream! However, he has struggled to understand how I have let all of this get to me. Why it has all built up. He said something this week that has really resonated with me.

“Why didn’t you just ask for help?”

I couldn’t speak. I had no answer. Why didn’t I ask for help? Why was it so hard?

Why don’t we ask for help?

I have done some soul searching on this. I just didn’t understand WHY it is so hard?

After a lot of thinking and examining my own emotions around asking for help, I came up with several reasons why I struggle. Perhaps they will help others too.

I don’t want to be a burden.

I think about asking for help, about reaching out and saying I cannot do this, but the thought of being a burden or a pest stops me.

My “problems” are mine, and so I should be able to solve them by myself, right? WRONG!

We need to change this way of thinking. You are not a burden when you ask for help.

Think back to the last time someone asked YOU for help. Did you think they were a pest? Did you tell them to go away and sort it themself? Or did you step up and lend them a hand? Did you support them, listen to them and help out with their problem?

The majority of people will help you when asked. The few who don’t, well…karma is a bitch!

So, now I need to keep telling myself this too! People WANT to help. They want to support you, they want you to ask for help! Repeat that again. They WANT YOU TO ASK FOR HELP!

I don’t want to be perceived as weak or needy.

I pride myself on being put together, being in control at all times and being patient. I hold myself to very high standards, so asking for help is incredibly hard. I don’t want to look weak, or like I am not in control.

This is not healthy!

Asking for help does not make you appear weak or needy. In fact, I am proud of my friends and family when they reach out and ask for help. It shows that they are aware of their own limits and I believe it builds stronger connections and relationships.

This is something I am going to work hard on moving forward.

I don’t want to surrender control to someone else.

If I ask for help, that person may come in and take charge of the situation. I like control. I hate feeling out of touch or not in control of a situation. So this is very challenging.

How to ask for help.

A close friend and I have a little joke together. That we are so good at helping others and providing advice when they need it but struggle to take our own advice!

We realise how ridiculous this is so we made a pact that we would get better at asking for help and advice. So now when I need help, she is one of the first people I turn to. Because she knows how hard it is for me and I trust that she will take my feelings into consideration.

This may sound like a small step, but from someone who very rarely asks for help, it is huge.

I have learnt not to hedge either. If you need something, be direct. Otherwise, it leaves too much space for miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Be clear. Be concise. And most of all remember that the majority of people WANT to help.

So say the words with me…. “I need help”.

Practice them in your head.

Write them down.

Say it aloud to yourself until you feel comfortable with those words. Because everyone needs a little help sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Rachel Maree is a writer, mum and registered nurse. Bringing you the real truth to parenting, nursing and writing (even when it is downright ugly). You can read more articles or hire her to write amazing content for you — Rachel Maree.

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