Why I Had To Become GB Rogut
You could say my name has been shrinking.
First, I was Gabriela. Then, the world named me Gaby — I'm not even joking; the second I tell someone my name, they immediately start calling me Gaby. I'm like, "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my first name, so don't shorten it, maybe?"
And yet, I persisted and tried to become a writer using my real, full name.
I was determined to become the one Mexican writer who made it on Medium. I thought that when people came across my stories, they would look at my very obviously non-white name and pause, but then, seduced by the cleverness of my titles and my undisputable writing talent, they would have no choice but to read my ramblings.
Therefore, here on Medium, on Twitter, on Instagram, and everywhere else, I was Me, the real me, hoping to get some acknowledgment and, yes, some cash too.
Be careful what you wish for…
To my surprise, I started getting a bit of traction. No, it wasn't a monumental success, but I was receiving engagement, followers, and feedback, and I started to think my dream would come true.
Boy, did I get a lesson on the value of anonymity…
A Double Life
When I started writing on Medium, my words were very harmless. I was fresh from a stretch as a biohacking self-help gal — yes, we exist — and was ready to spell the gospel of the 5-am Club and how all you needed to succeed in life was to work a bit harder.
However, once I started reading more and experienced significant changes in my life, my writing underwent a massive transformation.
To my surprise, I found myself writing poetry, very vulnerable personal essays, sex-related stories, a bit of memoir, and even some humor and satire.
What was happening to me?
Did I stop pretending rules exist? Did I finally allow the real writer in me to come forward? One day, I will find out…
Still, this new style in my writing came with a set of issues. You see…I have another life, and in that one, at the moment, it is still not entirely safe for me to write about what I write.
Maybe in your particular situation, you feel like feminism has prevailed, and there's no need for a woman to hide anything anymore. However, I will go ahead and remind you that your environment is not everybody's environment and that some of us still need to play it safe.
I live in a context in which, because I sometimes write about sex, it must mean I'm a slut, and if I'm a slut, then I'm not a good person and deserve some punishment.
Suddenly, being the real me online didn't feel safe anymore, and things got worse when I decided to google myself.
What does GB Rogut mean?
It was probably a moment of arrogance, or perhaps a stroke of luck, but one day, I became curious about what would happen if I went to Google and typed my real name.
I immediately found Me.
There, in all the glory of the First Result, was my Medium profile. Anybody else would have been elated, but I was horrified.
How could I have been such a fool? Why did I expose myself so carelessly when I know damn well there are people out there who are eager to exploit whatever they can find about you, just for the kick of it?
In a panicked rush, I decided it was necessary to change my name.
After playing around with it for a bit, I settled on GB Rogut. The "GB" is an obvious reference to "Gabriela," while "Rogut" pays homage to my last name. I suppose there are a few references to the old me that survived, buried amongst all the stories and comments, but I erased as much of her as I could.
GB Rogut was a decision made in a moment of fear, and maybe I should have put more thought into it. Because, really, GB Rogut? What does that even mean? That I'm just a GB living in a GeB world? It doesn't even sound Mexican at all.
However, it has grown on me to the point that I wouldn't have it any other way.
GB Rogut is not a character I play. She's Me as I slowly work to get myself into a position where I don't have to hide from the real world. She has allowed me the freedom to write the story of my life and to have some fun in the process.
I don't think I can ever go back to being Gabriela [redacted], not because she's gone or because it would never be safe to do so, but because I have built an audience as GB Rogut. It has taken a few years and a lot of work, and that's something I don't want to let go to waste.
However, the main reason is that GB Rogut felt like a system restore point.
When I named myself GB, it was because I was ready to go forward with more personal stories and to develop my writing voice. This name marks a before and after in my creative life, and it signals my commitment to go all in. And now, as I prepare to make changes in my life, I embrace it because it means that I have the power to define my own identity, both online and in the real world.
So, yes, my name has shrunk a bit, but I have not.
And I never will.
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