Mental Health

Why I Failed My November Gratitude Challenge

It’s harder when you’re depressed

The challenge was to write a gratitude article every day in the month of November. It also overlapped with Zulie Rane challenge to write 100 words a day. Barely a week in and I was struggling to come up with ideas, but I always came up with something. My last article was on Friday, November 12th. I’d had a really good day. It was an unexpectedly good day and I was grateful for the genuine happiness I felt that day.

But life isn’t all butterflies and roses. I had gotten comfortable with the varying waves of emotions that came and went on a day-to-day basis. I was used to the varying degrees of being okay and not being okay. So far everything had been manageable and I was hopeful that this would be a good winter season in terms of my depression.

But things happen. Things change. I found myself dealing with the aftermath of a bad decision. The aftermath was an emotional storm. I slipped into the world of self-hate, anger, and depression. A regretful decision that made every negative thought I had about myself come to the surface. I tortured myself with what if scenarios. I found myself self-medicating with greens (an occasional indulgence) and comfort food.

I indulged in one of my favorite past times — rom-coms, binged as many as I could in my off hours. It was all good until the end, when the guy gets the girl or the girl gets the guy. I laughed at myself as I realized what I was doing. The girl that had never been able to find love watching movies in which the characters always do. Oh the irony.

“Don’t let those fairy tale movies get to you.” My pen pal had texted me.

“Oh they [already] have… it’s a toxic relationship.” I replied.

Eventually I switched to watching criminal minds — a show about serial killers. It was as far away as I could get from romance, love, and relationships. It felt like a real escape.

I was too far down the rabbit hole to remember gratitude. I didn’t have the energy for Medium. I didn’t even have the energy to announce I was taking a break. I just stopped writing.

It took a few days of being on this downward spiral, which I later realized was amplified because shark week was approaching, but I had a moment of realization. This cycle of negative thoughts was only going to attract more negativity into my life. I knew I needed to switch my thinking. I’ve made so many decisions I regretted over the years and I can hardly remember what they are. This too shall pass.

I had two choices, continue to slide down or start climbing up.

I was sick of the pity party. I wanted to make lemonade — to take all those negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. Looking back at old pictures on Instagram, I remembered the times when my confidence was high and I just knew the whole world was in love with me or at least they should’ve been. I remembered her, just happy and beautiful, and free. It showed in her smile, the way she walked, the selfies she posted. I want be her again.

I had to remind myself — You may not be the best version of yourself right now, but you know the potential you have. You know the levels of amazing you have to offer. They may be hidden right now but they’re not lost. It’s time to bring them back out.

It’s only been a week but feels much longer. I just needed a small reminder of all the good things I am. That one bad decision is not who I am. One person’s opinion is not who I am. So I sought out the attention of someone who used to hold me in high regard and apparently still does. It was superficial of course, but it was the first step in starting to change my thinking.

I don’t know if I’ll ever share the details of the situation. The wound is still fresh and will probably reopen a few more times before I’m able to move on fully. I’m working on it though, telling myself, how wonderful I am whenever I remember to. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes it feels like lies.

As far as my gratitude challenge goes, I failed, and that’s a part of life. In reality, I probably won’t hit any of my goals for November. I’ll still try, but I’m taking the pressure off.

That old saying from Forest Gump comes to mind, “Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you’re gonna get.” I have good days and bad days, and I don’t know ahead of time what I’m gonna get. I won’t lie that hope I had for a good winter feels like an aftertaste. A tiny remnant remains but it isn’t much.

I’m praying for motivation and inspiration. In the past, I let go of YouTube the second I started feeling sad. I don’t want to do the same thing with writing, but all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Thank you to those that have been following my gratitude articles and everyone who has read, clapped, or left a comment for something I wrote. I say it in every article that I self-publish, but it truly means the world that you would take a moment of your precious time and spend it reading something I wrote. Thank you!

To anyone stopping by please be sure to follow my publication positively healthy vibes as I continue to post about my journey to better mental and physical health. My mission is to live my life as positive and healthy as possible. Other than my November gratitude posts, I’ll be writing about my on/off battle with depression as well as my journey to lose 85 lbs.

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