Why I Could Never Go Back to Monogamy

The Benefits of Polyamory

Polyamory has been an absolutely, undeniably wonderful experience, for me. I understand that it’s not for everyone, and my first piece I published here on Medium was actually the considerations people should take into account before jumping into this seemingly suddenly popular trend. You can read Things to Consider Before Trying Polyamory if you’ve been thinking about poly but are unsure if it’s right for you, here.

But I would also advise finishing this work so you may get a better insight into what the poly life is like, and rather than just getting the cold, hard facts to consider, perhaps see some of the lighter aspects of polyamory, formulating for yourself a more balanced view.

The Specifics

There are some specifics that should be discussed before proceeding, as there are a lot of different arrangements that polyamory can form — some poly relationships are open, others are closed, some poly relationships are trios, some are more than that, some are heterosexual entirely, some are bisexual or homosexual — the fact is, there are an almost incalculable different ways a poly relationship can be established, the differences are covered here.

My relationship is a closed relationship — there are three of us, most of our considerations are done in unison, as a unit, or as individuals, so we’re pretty non-hierarchical; my girlfriend has a husband and myself, something we're all extremely happy with, and it often acts more like a single large relationship than two separate ongoing relationships, one with each place on the “hierarchy” of importance. He and I aren’t at all sexual, but close friends.

Realistic Expectations

One of the weird, seemingly paradoxical, and counterintuitive things about being in a polyamorous relationship is that the expectations are much lower and much more realistic.

When I was in monogamous relationships, I felt like all of the weight was square on my shoulders — I felt like my partner’s happiness and my happiness was entirely my responsibility. In polyamory, my girlfriend has two people to turn to who will help her get through her struggles. Even I and her husband also have another close friend that’s a bond that’s quite unlike that of other friendships to turn to when we need it. The support structure is simply undeniable if polyamory is done correctly.

I know poly can be abused, but we’ve managed to create a wonderful, closed trio that we’re happy with, and we all respect one another deeply.

Specialization

In poly, you don’t have to be all things for your partner. If we need the kitchen sink fixed, I got it covered, I’m decent with minor plumbing work, if we need electrical, I’m going to recommend that my girlfriend call an electrician who knows way more than I so that he may appropriately solve the problem.

The point is, that different people are good at different things, and along with the shared responsibility aspect, the realistic expectations that no one person should ever be responsible for your happiness, is the fact that multiple people have different skills and different perspectives to bring to the table.

She’s the expert in health and healing, he’s the expert in physical fitness and nutrition, I’m the expert in technology and the internet, and all of our respective skills and knowledge complement one another quite nicely.

Fairness

There’s an interesting thing when you add a third person into the mix — you transition out from a traditional power structure, a hierarchical structure, to a more fair, democratic structure if you do it as we have.

Differences of opinion always find a third-party judge, so as long as you have three open-minded, unbiased people, you’ll have much less in the way of power struggles through the democratization of thought and decision making.

My relationship is the fairest that I’ve ever been in, and that’s because it’s usually harder for one person to exploit and abuse another directly when another person is looking. Sure, there have been some serial killer duos in history, but almost always they’ve lurked in the shadows by themselves, because bringing another person into a crime spree is risky — as bringing someone into an abusive dynamic is risky, lest it is exposed for what it is.

Everyone is much more thoughtful and cautious with their actions because we all know that our shortcomings and missteps don’t only affect one person, but two. I actually find it quite funny when random dudes who know we’re in the picture try to flirt with my girlfriend, because, counterintuitively, she’s got a lot more to lose by cheating — she’s not just going to lose one person if she were to, but she’d lose both of us at the same time.

Almost nobody is going to take that risk, and most people don’t think about this aspect of poly, they just assume we’re total freaks who have wild sex that might make Caligula blush, but that’s not the reality. The reality is that this is about love, passion, care, security, and selflessness. We’re honest with each other when it’s hard to be, we’re thoughtful and shop for one another at the grocery store, keeping a mental list of what the others in the relationship need, we rotate cooking nights, we have ongoing series shows that we watch, like any other couple would, that we reserve for only those times when the three of us are feeling it. There’s a beauty in sharing, and in a very real way, it makes what you have much more valuable — by making it more abundant and more diversified.

Here’s another story if you wanted a closer look into the life of polyamory…

© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved