Why Do We Tolerate Dick Pic Culture?

What makes men send unsolicited pictures and explicit messages and other unanswered questions

Yesterday I received a Reddit message, subject line “Cum All Over My Bearded Face!” It was no less shocking to me then than it was for you to read in the first sentence here. It started out normally enough:

Hey there, I’m 37 and in Van :)

Okay, cool. That seems in line with getting to know someone. But then there was a sudden shift.

I’d love to play out a scenario where you would come over for a massage and leave having had one of the most powerful orgasms of your life, here’s kinda how I envision it….

What followed was an explicit, 730 word description of what he fantasized about doing with me, to me. At the end, a photo link to a selfie of a normal-looking man. “You’re cute,” I replied. “It’s too bad that’s the message you chose to send.”

How has this become commonplace?

Women who post personal ads or use dating apps (or honestly, just exist in general) are aware of dick pic culture at all times. With every new connection, every text message, every email, comes the chance that we might be punched in the eyes with a dude’s genitals.

Not that it really matters, but this is the ad I posted:

My first instinct is to question myself (thanks, patriarchy!). Did I use some magic keyword that made this guy think, oh hey, I should definitely describe my sexual fantasy to her! Then I realize that I didn’t do anything to ask for what I got. The only reason a person should send sexually explicit content is if the person receiving it has said “please send me some sexually explicit content.”

How has this become commonplace? Is this just another aspect of the rape culture that makes women carry their keys between their fingers in parking lots at night? Is this another place we are expected to make excuses for men who exhibit bad, inappropriate, entitled behavior?

Delving simultaneously into online dating and the sex-positive and polyamorous communities has provided an interesting juxtaposition. One of these is extremely focused on, and supportive of, consent culture. The other is, well… a minefield of all different kinds of assaults.

Putting your dick in someone’s face isn’t friendly. It’s actually assault.

Perhaps the thought of describing dick pics and explicit promises as assault makes you uncomfortable. But does masking behavior with a phone or computer screen make it more acceptable than doing them in person? It’s no less gross or reprehensible just because it’s typed and not out loud. Our digital lives are our lives.

In case you’ve never had the ‘pleasure’ of receiving messages and photos of your own, I’d like to provide a few recent examples. I used to read these kinds of things and make excuses about “men being men” or tell myself that that particular man was just a jerk. The frequency and casual nature with which these things happen changed my mind. I started to wonder why we are so accepting of dick pic culture, and why men think it’s okay. I realized that if someone walked up to me on the street and behaved this way, my feelings would be radically different.

The only reason a person should send sexually explicit content is if the person receiving it has said “please send me some sexually explicit content.”

Some men like to say they’re just being friendly.

Last week, a guy sent me a picture of his semi-erect penis, followed by a picture of him seemingly smoking a blunt in his work truck. When I responded “If you are having a normal conversation with someone what is the thing that makes you decide that definitely what that woman wants is a picture of your penis?” His answer? “Just being friendly and open. Sorry.” Wait, what? Putting your dick in someone’s face isn’t friendly. It’s actually assault. Like if we were at the grocery store and you did that you would get arrested. The fact that a woman has a Kik account doesn’t magically change anything.

Some men like to act like they just can’t help it.

A few weeks ago, I had this gem of a conversation:

He replied that the pic that had turned him on SO much he went CRAZY with desire and lust and couldn’t resist sending an unsolicited dick pic was my profile picture. A PG shot of my smiling face. Just by existing and having a human face, I forced him to get turned on. I’m not even going to get into the fact that he sent me a picture of his penis from on the toilet, which is arguably one of the least sexy locations available.

Some men like to feign cluelessness.

They pretend that they don’t know that what they’re doing is inappropriate, rude, or unsolicited. Like this 44-year-old grown adult who wanted to tell me that I was hot enough for him to masturbate to, but thought adding “Is it rude to say” to the beginning of it would make it less offensive.

Well, yes. It is, in fact, rude to tell someone that you want to masturbate to them. I don’t understand how you have made it through four entire decades of life, and don’t know that this is not cool. A variation of this is “I’m so bad at this” or “I always say the wrong thing,” as if there is not a conscious choice they could make to act better.

Some guys try to be tricky.

These ones try to entice you into asking them about their penis instead of bringing it up directly, like in this OK Cupid exchange:

Guy: How are you doing?

Me: Okay. Tired.

Guy: I’m tired too laying in bed kinda playing

Me: Playing what?

Guy: My penis alone as usual

Me: Do you walk up to strange women on the street with your dick in your hand and tell them you’re lonely?

Spoiler alert, the answer was no, no he doesn’t. I suppose that he succeeded in his goal to tell me about his penis without my consent. I’ve received emails from men who describe themselves as lonely, apathetic, bad at building relationships, all ending with how much they need sex. Is our bar really so low as humans that we think that all it takes to make a romantic connection is pity?

Then we are back to the explicit ones. The ones who want to tell you in great detail what nasty things they’d like to do to you, like this response to the same ad:

Looking for a OLDER woman that likes to CUM a LOT

Yes that’s right I don’t care if your a BIG woman or a SMALL woman I just would like a woman that likes her man down there eating her nice and slow at time and deep and like to CUM A LOT and all your cum and tell you I am in joying it. But Please be older I am 58 years old and would like a woman like this.

I am very nice all the time but would like a woman to feed me the way she would like to. And I don’t know maybe you would like to feed me in other ways also?

Beyond the shock of being talked to 100% more than I requested about cum, I have questions. First and foremost, if you are “very nice all the time,” does that mean you consider this type of email nice?

This is a small sample of messages, screenshots, and emails I still had. It doesn’t include:

• All the guys who have called me sweetie, sexy, dear, honey, etc. without knowing anything about me
• The guys who have told me within the first 15 messages that they are horny, and asked me if I want pictures of them or if I would please call them/video chat/come over
• The guys who have asked if I wanted to see their dick, who have sent me pictures of their dick after I said no, and who have just foregone the asking and sent me their dick pics
• The guy who sent me messages implying that we should have sex in front of my kids
• The guys who have asked me what turns me on, how big my boobs are, what I like in bed, whether I like big dicks etc. within 5 minutes of messaging me

I have so many questions about this bizarre dick pic culture.

What is the goal of sending women random pictures of a penis? What is the actual statistical success rate? Is the point just to know you exposed yourself and get off on it? Or do these men actually think that showing me their penis will make me immediately run to them to get on it? Has this worked for them in the past as a method of getting laid? What went through their mind the first time they ever decided to send an unsolicited dick pic? Is being pitiful really a good reason for someone to have sex with you anyway?

I don’t think the internet or dating apps or chatting apps are bad. Online dating can be a blessing for tons of people who have fewer options for meeting people. Or like being in their pajama pants. I met my boyfriend through a personal ad I posted on Craig’s List and he’s amazing. I’ve made great connections through OK Cupid, Craig’s List, and even Adult Friend Finder.

In order to make those connections, I had to wade through piles of self-entitled, sexually explicit crap. Women are dealing with this on a daily basis. Why aren’t we doing something about it?

As a culture, we are letting boys and men learn that this is an okay way to behave.

This is a part of our culture, we are letting boys and men think that this is an appropriate way to behave. That unwanted advances come first, and apologies come second if at all. That you don’t need to think about getting to know someone or even knowing their name before you literally put your penis right in their face. It’s time for culture to change.

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