Why Do Toxic Relationships Take Longer To Get Over?

Overcome pain faster by understanding what keeps you stuck

Last year, Mind Journal reported that the second most searched question related to relationships in 2021 was “How to get over a breakup”.

It’s not surprising, considering how debilitating the end of a significant relationship can be.

Understandably, people are desperate to know how to move through the pain of a breakup and out the other side as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, a toxic relationship will take longer to heal from than a healthier relationship.

The reason for this is because, on a subconscious level, you are trying to heal from trauma and pain which originates from your childhood.

This type of trauma is usually what has attracted you to this relationship in the first place.

When people are involved in toxic relationships, they can develop an addiction to the anxiety that is produced when they are back in a relationship dynamic that does not feel safe.

Physiologically, you are addicted to feeling the same way that you felt in your childhood because that is what feels familiar.

The brain wants to recreate the dynamics experienced as a child so that it can ‘fix’ them once and for all, and have a happier outcome this time around.

How long will it take?

If you are trying to get over a toxic relationship, you may be feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by how long it is taking you to heal.

Perhaps you feel like you’ll never be able to stop ruminating and obsessing about your ex-partner.

Maybe you are searching the internet looking for answers and finding deflating advice such as “it could take months to get over an ex’. And yet, for you, it’s been years.

If that is the case, then I would like to paint a picture that could help you put into perspective what you are up against.

Imagine that your ex-partner is a needle full of heroin and you are a heroin addict craving another hit.

When you are getting over a toxic relationship you need to treat yourself as if you are a recovering addict.

Although this may seem like a confronting image, it can be helpful to make it through those ‘cravings’ and longing for a person who has abused you.

It’s helpful to know that time is not going to heal all wounds in this case. You need to actively work on your trauma to truly get over it and not end up ‘using’ again.

By using, I mean either returning to the same toxic relationship or starting another relationship with someone who has abusive tendencies.

Going Deeper

When you are finally on your own, it’s time to start asking questions about your childhood that were too painful to acknowledge until now.

What happened when you were growing up?

Did you witness substance abuse?

Physical abuse?

Were you neglected by your parents?

What experiences have made you feel as though you are not worthy of being cared for and respected?

It’s possible that you may need to develop your sense of self-worth if you were attracted to someone who has emotionally or physically abused you.

While you were with this person, you may have felt a sense of being home, because home used to feel like fear, anxiety, and rejection.

Now that your partner is gone, you are craving their presence to take away the painful feelings that arise in the stillness of being on your own.

Going back is not the answer to ridding yourself of this pain.

Sitting still with yourself and beginning to do the healing work is the answer.

The best way out is always through — Robert Frost

Therein lies the challenge. The relationship has been the distraction that you have used to ensure you don’t tap into these painful memories.

Sitting still with your thoughts and memories can be a very uncomfortable experience that you have been trying to avoid.

Acknowledging this pain and hurt can be excruciating at first. It requires the ability to manage emotions that can at times be overwhelming.

You may find therapy helps you to manage this, or if you are unable to access therapy, then setting aside a safe space and time to journal can be a way of allowing the necessary emotions and memories to come to the surface.

By talking or writing it out, you will begin to discover the reasons that you haven’t felt like you deserved healthy love throughout your life.

This process will help you identify the areas you need to develop in yourself to build a stronger sense of self worth.

A useful tip for managing these emotions is to allow them to move through your body. Observe the feelings as energy waves that will pass when given the space to be felt and acknowledged.

The most important thing to remember is that it is a process. When you are in the thick of recovery, it can feel at times like you are not making any progress.

Sometimes, when you are vacillating between feeling strong and weak, you may start to feel as though there’s no point.

These are the pivotal moments when you need to hold firm and keep putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other.

By getting back into a relationship before you’ve done the healing work, you are guaranteed more of the same pain and suffering. Just like a dependency on drugs or alcohol, full recovery from a toxic relationship takes time.

For some, it can take years, and that is normal.

Conclusion

Although recovering from a toxic relationship can feel like climbing an insurmountable mountain at times, it is worth it.

By taking the opportunity to explore the subconscious patterns that drive your choices in love, you can get well and heal your inner pain.

Commit to showing up for yourself, the way others should have shown up for you when you were younger.

By healing the pain of your past, you will eventually move on from the breakup, and give yourself the space to find the healthy, fulfilling relationship that you deserve.

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