Is My Relationship Toxic?

If you have to ask, it’s probably a yes

Have you ever googled “Is my relationship toxic?”. Are you in a situation now where something doesn’t feel safe or healthy with your partner?

If so, this article could be very useful for you to read.

Being in a toxic relationship is very much like the metaphor of a frog being slowly boiled in water without realizing it.

You have some sense of the environment becoming uncomfortable, but you just can’t put your finger on what has changed, or what is giving you such an uneasy feeling in your gut.

It is very common for toxic relationships to start on a dizzying high.

A toxic person targets partners who have traits that they envy, and they ‘mirror’ these traits, so that you think you have found someone with similar values and ways of relating. This is done very specifically, as the faster you form a bond with your partner, the faster they can feel secure that they have you.

When I met my ex-partner, he was so kind, caring, and empathetic. Everything seemed to fall into place, we connected on so many levels. It felt like we had endless amounts in common.

Strong attachment began to form. He seemed to truly care about me and want the best for me. We never disagreed and it felt like an extremely compatible match.

Then, about six months after meeting, we had our first proper conflict. This is when I saw his ‘mask’ begin to slip.

For the first time, I was left feeling confused and unsure of his feelings for me. He seemed so unreasonably angry at me for the small event that had happened.

At first, I wondered what the hell had set him off and caused him to be so unreasonable. But then, I started to second-guess myself. He was so livid and kept telling me what a selfish and clueless person I was, I started to wonder if maybe he was right.

Maybe I was dysfunctional and didn’t know how to treat other people properly?

I apologized profusely, even though I wasn’t quite sure what I was actually apologizing for. Things got smoothed over, he calmed down, and the mask got fixed back into place again.

I had an uneasy feeling but I figured it was just a disagreement, which is normal in relationships. Things quietened down again and I went back to feeling secure and loved.

Then, about a month later, another conflict. Out of nowhere. I wasn’t sure how he could even be slightly annoyed at what happened, but he was incensed at me.

This time, I was subjected to verbal abuse. It sounds unbelievable, but the fact that he was yelling, swearing, and threatening me didn’t register as abuse at this point. Again, I turned on myself and figured I just didn’t understand how to treat a partner properly.

The uneasy feeling began to grow, the questioning started to become incessant.

Is this normal?

Should we be fighting like this?

Should my partner be treating me like this?

Maybe I just don’t know what I’m doing here.

My past struggles with negative self-talk started to kick in. I told myself I was ruining what could be a quality relationship if I could just get my shit together and stop pissing him off.

I began to modify my behavior and become hyper-vigilant about his moods. All of a sudden, it just seemed to be everything I said, and everything I did that triggered him.

I couldn’t get anything right.

Anything that went wrong in his day was my fault. When he got really angry, he would resort to being verbally abusive, swearing at me and saying he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

Another weapon in his arsenal was the silent treatment. I was blocked on his phone after telling him I couldn’t attend a function with him. For six days he wouldn’t answer my calls or messages.

Was this a breakup?

Had he ended our relationship without telling me?

I eventually got through to him so that we could discuss it as adults. He said a breakup was the last thing he wanted and that he loved me so much.

This is a very real form of emotional abuse.

One night, after another disagreement, he lashed out and slapped my arm so hard it was bright red. After this, he was extremely remorseful and told me how sorry he was. How it would never happen again.

He was particularly loving and attentive for weeks after that, adding to my confusion about whether or not he loved me or hated me.

It seems crazy, but even after all of this, I forgave him and wondered if it was somehow my fault that we kept ending up in these highly emotional, no-win situations.

I spent all of my time racking my brains to try and work out where I could’ve prevented triggering yet another fallout. I continued to apologize, placate and try not to rock the boat.

The Lesson

If you are experiencing any of this with your current partner, then you are indeed in a toxic relationship.

Things will not get better. You can’t fix the situation by trying to be ‘better’. The more you try to adjust and act the way you think they want you to act, the worse it will be. They sense the chink in your emotional armor and will use this as a catalyst to continue to punish you.

Maybe your situation is slightly different, but you recognize some aspects of this in your relationship.

If you have ever googled to try and find out if you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, then the chances are high that you are.

If you suspect that you are, keep reading. Keep educating yourself on what abuse looks and feels like. Emotional and physical abuse will escalate over time. What may feel manageable now, could evolve into a very dangerous situation.

The very fact that you are asking yourself if the relationship is toxic is your intuition telling you something. Don’t ignore it.

A healthy, loving relationship does not look or sound like any of the above. All couples have conflicts, fights, disagreements, and differing opinions at times. That is normal and there is nothing wrong with it.

What isn’t normal is someone getting angry at you all the time. It isn’t normal to be yelled at and sworn at during disagreements. It’s not normal for someone to block you on their phone after an argument, or refuse to speak to you for days.

If you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you don’t even know that you did, this is a very real warning sign that you are being manipulated, and that your partner is trying to control you by using confusion tactics and threats of abandonment.

What drives a toxic person to treat you the way they do?

The bottom line is that they have a very low sense of self-worth. They do not feel loveable enough to have someone stay with them by choice. They believe that the only way they can keep their partner is to make them feel like they are not good enough for anyone else.

The purpose of the abuse is to dull your light so that you don’t shine and attract another healthier, higher-quality person.

Of course, you had a wonderful shining light, that is what attracted them to you in the first place. However, now their insecurities kick in and they fear losing you. To keep you in the relationship, they set about dismantling your sense of self-worth and security.

Conclusion

After ending my second toxic relationship two years ago, I made a conscious effort to educate and inform myself of the signs and characteristics of emotional abuse, so that I would never be the frog in boiling water again.

Today, I feel very clear about what healthy love looks like, and I’ll never compromise on it again. Safe, healthy love is the only type of love that is worth having in my life.

If someone isn’t able to provide that inside the realms of a partnership, then I know I am better off on my own.

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