BALLSACK HATS

Why Do Men Have So Many Feelings?

Knotted testes

Why do men have so many feelings? Is it their overactive amygdala?

Remember that Rogaine commercial where a man flipped his newly coiffed mane and said, “Because I’m worth it!”? That made me so sad. Men are not all hair and pecs. I’d love to see a man in a commercial where he’s a scientist or data analyst.

Honestly, men do it to themselves.

When women get home from work, men are waiting like lions behind a bush, ready to pounce. They want to talk. They want women to really listen to every feeling they’ve experienced throughout the day.

Men insist athletic cups should be free because women don’t get kneed in the balls. They want more paternity time off to recover from the angst of not giving birth.

Men let themselves go after marriage. They’ll all sexy when they’re luring women in, but once they’ve got that ring on their finger, they change. Men get more aggressive, laugh harder, stop shaving.

Men whine about wanting to get paid the same as women. What’s wrong with 62 cents on the dollar?

Women need to come home from work and watch football. Women don’t need to hear about what their husbands talked about with their mothers that day. They need to watch Kirk Herbstreit talk about sports.

Men, on the flip side, only have one complaint about women. Women are too sane. Men have been complaining about women’s sanity for hundreds of years.

Can women help it if nothing rattles them? Is it women’s fault that once a month they are so goddamn creative they could paint the ceiling of a cathedral while simultaneously solving an unsolvable mathematical equation? That’s called PMS fellas and it stands for Perfectly Magical Sanity.

Do you think it’s easy for women? It’s stressful to be not crazy. It requires serious estrogen to be preternaturally calm— never getting pissed especially when men are always trying to pick fights.

Do women wish they could be more like men? Always talking about feelings and accepting less pay for the same job? No.

Women wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but they can’t help that. Women are not willing to sacrifice their inherited status to indulge in the male fetish of being treated fairly.

And now men have their testes in a knot because we told them they couldn’t use condoms or get vasectomies anymore. Is it women’s fault they want men to continue seeding the planet?

Men, we only need you to chromosome the babies and take time off work during your fertile years. Once you’ve populated the planet and you’re no longer useful to us, you can do whatever you want with your time.

I have an idea. Why don’t you knit some more of those ballsack hats and march around the country yelling about how bad you’ve got it? That was adorbs.

Hey, don’t be sad, guys. You’re making progress. Why don’t you go buy yourself something pretty and get a pedicure with the dudes? You deserve it.

But before you go? Could you finish the laundry? Kisses.

Thanks to T. Kent Jones for his beyond-the-call-of-duty editing.

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