Why Do I Have Arguments With My Husband In My Head?

How to stop thinking negative and embrace happiness

The night before my fifth wedding anniversary, I worked late. I had a really long day, teaching from 8 am to nearly 8 pm, and then headed home. I took the bus that day so that he could use our bike to take our child to school and pick her up.

We own a car, but my husband can’t drive and I prefer not to in such a small city, where public transport is so good.

During the 15-minute walk from the bus to where we live, I thought about how nice it would be to be met by a man with candles and a bottle of wine, and a sexy embrace.

How nice it would be to walk into a surprise, something that he planned to show me his love.

It never happens though, he is not that guy, so it was not a great idea to dwell on it. He is Cuban, a musician, not one for grand gestures, nor organizing anything beyond what he’s having for lunch. He is who I married and it doesn’t serve anyone to expect someone he is not.

Despite knowing this, I got into my head, imagining telling him how I feel about his lack of romance. As a result, I arrived home in the worst of moods. Our daughter was still not in bed, there was no bottle of bubbly or candles waiting on the table, and life seemed every inch as normal as every other.

What I hoped for was clearly not going to happen.

The regular domestic scene that awaited me was not enough for me tonight, and I let that be known. He didn’t know what had hit him. I arrived in a bad mood, angry for no reason he could fathom, and took myself off to bed with my daughter. Only later I figure out why I had behaved in such a way.

He told me a story.

Man A’s cat just had kittens and he decides to give one to his friend, Man B. Meanwhile, Man B, not having a cat himself, decides to ask Man A to give him one of the kittens. On the way over to make this request, he gets it into his head that Man A will never give away one of his cats and becomes very negative about asking his friend for one.

So negative in fact, that when Man A opens the door to him, fully intending to offer him a cat, Man B tells him “to stick his cat up his arse” and walks away. Man A doesn’t understand what happened.

Many times in my life I have convinced myself that the worst situation was going to happen and sometimes decided against even giving something a go. Sometimes I’ve talked myself up and been brave and tried something, with the feeling “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”.

I have no recollection of being disappointed when I’ve been turned down for something I wanted.

I can easily recall, however, the things I never went for, the opportunities I never sought, for fear of rejection.

“If you don’t ask, the answer is always no” Nora Roberts, American romance writer, 1950

The takeaway

Despite being usually a positive person, my negative expectations of my husband are making me grumpy. However, when I arrive home focusing on a lovely evening he and I will spend together with our daughter, that is usually what happens.

I am also convinced that I am in a pre-menopausal malaise, judging by many of my symptoms.

According to W. Doyle Gentry in Happiness for Dummies, I could choose to look at our relationship, and life, in another way. Two of the book’s tips for pessimistic thinking stand out.

• Accept the fact that your first thought is always a negative one — that’s just a given. But don’t go with this thought, don’t dwell on it, and certainly don’t let it guide your behavior at that moment.
• Remember that it’s the second thought that counts. Learn to counteract your initial pessimism by substituting an optimistic thought. So, for example, “I’m not sure I can do this” becomes “Wow, what a great opportunity!”

I’m off to practice some cheerful thinking.

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