Seven Ways To Deal With Menopausal Fury

And how it feels when it happens

Finally today, I took the time to google ‘menopausal rage’ and discovered that it’s a thing. It exists. It might explain my current emotional turmoil.

Menopause, commonly defined as a full year with no period, hits women on average around the age of 51. But the years before that — perimenopause — can be more emotionally and physically fraught than we expect, and given my age of 51, I must be experiencing it now.

The Australasian Menopause Society says mood disturbances in menopause tend towards increased anger and irritability and less towards sadness. They describe it as an ‘on-off’ phenomenon, with your rage lasting for a few minutes or even hours before it spontaneously resolves, somewhat similar to pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS).

Here’s what a joyous person I am to live with nowadays

I got home late after finally joining a choir in my city, something that used to bring me joy. My husband was to put our four-year-old to bed, but I came back to find her on her iPad at 10pm, still not changed, and my husband washing up dishes. I fired off. I would have got her in bed first. I wish we could agree on the importance of getting her into bed earlier.

Within seconds of getting cross about that, I asked him if he was planning to ask me how my night went. I always ask him the minute he walks in the door because I am interested. The fact he doesn’t left me feeling I don’t matter. I also have no one else to tell, and joining the local choir was a big deal for me.

He says he needs to finish the washing up first.

By now, I am feeling rather like a projectile missile.

I start telling myself I am unloved and underappreciated, my marriage sucks, and my husband doesn’t care. Meanwhile, I am getting my daughter changed and feeling unable to give her enough love. I am angry.

My husband then invited me to tell him. I now feel like he only asked because I told him to, so it doesn’t count. I get more annoyed. So does he. Meanwhile, my daughter is bouncing on the bed and I must get her to sleep.

He offers to take her to bed but knows I will say no. He gets up at 4am for his new job and needs to sleep too.

All of this drama in my head followed an evening in a room with twenty strangers in the local choir, myself being the newcomer. A lady in the choir has a child in my daughter’s class and she told me about it when I mentioned I enjoyed singing.

She is friendly when I see her there, but then says she imagines I won’t participate on my first day and suggests I sit somewhere in the back. I do this, rather sheepishly, and suddenly I feel like the high school misfit all over again.

The one who never belonged.

I feel tears welling up and think to myself that if I don’t belong, then I just darn well won’t make an effort. This has been a rather daft, subconscious tactic of mine, designed to help me cope with school, since with me all my life. I don’t recommend it.

Finally, the choir director spots me at the back and assigns me someone to sit next to, who will share music sheets with me, and I found myself among a group of enthusiastic women welcoming me on my first day. I feel like a five-year-old. But happy at least.

How is it POSSIBLE to go through so many emotions in one evening?

Underlying all of them is a feeling of ‘flat.’ Maybe mildly depressed. It’s hard to know.

Seven natural ways to calm the rage

1. Regular exercise

I manage the occasional bike ride or half an hour walk, but my life now revolves around work, taking our child to school, buying groceries and work. Experts recommend exercise to boost serotonin levels, and I know this helps to calm the rage down.

For me, swimming is the ideal way to work through issues in my head, overthink stuff, and come out feeling a little reborn. Yoga would probably be fantastic too, but there’s not even room for a downward dog in the place we currently live.

2. Diet rich in calcium and vitamin D

I try to always have fresh fruit and vegetables, and eat as healthily as possible, but I tend to focus more on getting nutrients into my daughter than into myself at the moment.

The following foods are suggested in one healthcare blog to strengthen bones and relieve menopause symptoms:

1. Dark green leafy vegetables, especially spinach and kale
2. Yoghurt
3. Cheese
4. Milk
5. Fish like salmon, mackerel, and tuna
6. Flax and chia seeds
7. Broccoli and cauliflower
8. Blueberries and other dark berries
9. Grapes
10. Dark fruits like plums
11. Black tea
12. Chickpeas and other legumes
13. Soybeans or foods like tofu, tempeh, and soy milk

3. Avoiding certain foods

These include packaged and processed foods, conventional meat, added sugar, refined oils and fried foods, carbonated drinks, and alcohol.

4. Mindfulness or journaling

I am working on this. Mindfulness takes time. Journaling is enjoyable, and writing I adore. When I have the time.

5. Get more sleep

Easier said than done with a little one in the house, who doesn’t always sleep soundly through the night, and a husband whose alarm goes off at 4 am so he can go to work.

6. Avoid stress This is hard. The fact that my Cuban husband is so relaxed about time and operates on one speed only sometimes leads me to create my own stress. I can easily overthink and drive myself into a mini-meltdown. Or I can choose to take it as it comes, not overplan, leave ample time for everything and then enjoy life as my Cuban seems to — nice and easy.

7. Post-menopausal zest

“There is no greater power in the world than the zest of a post-menopausal woman.” Anthropologist Margaret Mead

Rather than an ending, many women find post-menopause a new beginning marked by increased energy, creativity and libido.

“On the world stage all the really impressive women are post-menopause — The liberation of no longer menstruating, of no longer caring so much what people think of you because your testosterone has come up a bit.” Humorist and author Kathy Lette

I can honestly say I am looking forward to this!

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Gracias!