Reflection

I Feel Bad When I Get Angry With My Dogs

They are teaching me to love unconditionally

I have two dogs. I must admit that I have a special connection with Phi, and why wouldn't I when we got her when she was two months old?

She also sleeps with us on our bed.

A month after we got Phi, I adopted Crocker.

It was during the pandemic, and looking back I should have given it more thought, especially when having two dogs not only takes a lot of time but isn’t a good idea for someone who only works part-time.

To give the best for my dogs can be expensive.

And then life happened, I got sick, I was making less money, and we had to move to a new apartment.

Crocker had a difficult time adjusting and I thought of giving him up.

It is a miracle that he is still with us.

I do love Crocker, but sometimes not as unconditionally as I should love him.

This week, Crocker had “house accidents.” Unlike Phi, he isn't properly potty trained, he was already an adult when we got him.

Crocker still wears diapers when he is inside the house.

Every time an “accident” happens, I would scream and I am not proud of it.

And I know it scares Crocker, and Phi would always come to me, licking my face as if telling me to stop being angry.

It’s like I act on auto-pilot when I should pause and assess the situation which would usually mean cleaning up.

Besides Crocker is a dog.

Also, it doesn't happen every day.

Where does all my pent-up anger come from?

I could come up with a million excuses or reasons as to why I get angry.

I am tired. I am not happy. I worry about the future.

None of which concerns my dogs.

Today was different. Every time I took out Crocker he peed and I rewarded him by quickly taking him back inside the house.

Phi was also in a great mood when I asked her to “love Kuya” which means (to love big brother) she gave him some licks and kisses.

I shared it on Twitter.

I realized that not every day I get angry, not every day does Crocker pee while he is inside the house, and on most days he only wants to be near us.

My anger serves no purpose but to shame me inside my head.

Shame

I feel a lot of shame when I am angry. My partner learned it quickly when a few weeks into our relationship I got angry.

The only thing that helped our relationship survive was he allowed me to let off my steam and when I was no longer angry we talked.

I also opened up about why I get triggered by words or small actions.

But how can I have the same conversation with my dogs?

All I can do after is say sorry or feel sorry.

Hopefully, by sharing my story, I become more self-aware and make a conscious decision to stay calm.

I know that dogs need to be disciplined but both Phi and Crocker are good dogs. They might not be the friendliest to strangers, but so am I.

Much of their behavior mimics mine, especially Phi who I call my mini-me.

I remember the times when I was not nice to my Mom and yet she never said she doesn't love me anymore, and I can draw a lesson from my Mom to finally learn how to love unconditionally.

Phi, Crocker, and my partner deserve better.

And I will do my best moving forward to do better.

Thank you for reading.