Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me About This, Growing Up? That Not Having Children of Your Own Could Hurt This Much.
Not that it would have changed anything for me, but at least open conversations at a societal level would lead to less discrimination against certain marginalised groups like the childless woman.
I’m almost terrified to publish this story, and I have to emphasise that I’m not directing this at women who choose to be child free. I know many, including my cousin, who are happy with their choice. I fully support them.
But this is about those who were not given a choice. Those of us who took for granted we would be mothers, and never imagined that we would inhabit an alternate universe.
So desolate and lonely at times.
We lot, who always wanted children, but couldn’t. Childless by circumstance and not child free by choice. There is a lacking, a vacuum, a feeling of loss.
On top of this society makes us feel like an other, like an inferior defective being. Men with the same situation are spared.
Circumstance of not being able to have a child includes having to abide by societal norms (you have to be married to have kids). It is one of the reasons for our declining population.
Arranged marriages are not as palatable these days as we see the strife in that of our own parents. If our parents could have followed their hearts and not be forced (they felt they had no choice so to societal pressures especially my mum) into an arranged marriage, I wouldn’t have been conceived or alive to tell my tale.
I wrote about it here.
If you don’t have children of your own and end up giving your whole heart to children in your family or those of your friends, be prepared for the pain of missing them.
Because they are not your own, you can’t just pop over as you desire. You need to ask to see them, and often their schedules may not be able to accommodate you, so you spend a lot of time waiting in anticipation with the gnawing ache in your heart.
Even now, I feel afraid to come across as complaining in the least about this, as I’m so utterly grateful for the chance. So utterly grateful to be extended this privilege that I never take for granted.
The more deeply you love, the more painful the separation will be. You fear the day they move miles away to study or work or if their parents suddenly decide to migrate.
That has already happened to me twice. And then you loose that close bond that you thought was a given. You try not to care so much and try to numb your heart. I often dreamt of the little boys I held in my arms thousands of miles away. I learn to shut down those emotions and distance myself. But it doesn’t always work.
One of the children I adore said he would still visit Singapore even if he were to migrate and that warmed my heart. He said he wouldn’t even travel anywhere else for holiday. May not be reality, but isn’t that just the sweetest thing to hear?
This story by Janet completely rocked me to the core. Hi Sebastien, I’m Your Aunty. She is such a gifted writer and you can’t help but feel her very soul. I may not have met Janet in person, but she feels like the friend who knows me best and is my favourite person online.
Another writer I immediately could relate to was Yael. Her story Not a Mum Barely an Aunt captures the untold aches of many childless women. The pain of being the childless aunt.
It seems like finding these amazing ladies and aunties was just a godsend for me. They express a lot of what’s in my heart that I dare not even process. It’s our personal shame and it’s just too painful.
But the fact that they understand and are brave enough to speak for a huge but marginalised group has my deepest gratitude.
We have this disenfranchised grief. A sadness that that we feel we have no right to express as we didn’t birth any children.
But not due to lack of want I must add. I have to keep emphasising this as we are often lumped into the group that actively chose not to have children and rightly called child free.
We are the invisible.
Society has determined our place and relegated us to the side even though there is a growing number of us.
Marketers take heed. There’s gonna be exponential number of us in the future as societal norms change and fewer women marry, just for the sake of it. There will be fewer divorces too.
In my thirties I still had hope, and to have children was my naive birthday wish each time I blew out my candles.
The hysterectomy at 45 was a mercy in a way. Finally I could stop deceiving myself and finally accept that this was my lot. I could finally end the disappointment and biological ache.
As a child I always imagined myself as the most loving giving mother, very much like my own, with at least 5 children. I just knew I would be the best young energetic mum like my own. Or perhaps not as angelic and self sacrificing as she was.
I often thought about my unborn children in a parallel universe quite a bit.
I am fortunate to be able to give my heart to the children (not of my womb but does not affect my capacity to love) that I am blessed with. I will forever be grateful and hope to only do what will nurture or protect them.
Aunty will always be my favourite title and I hope to emulate my darling aunt who didn’t have children of her own, also due to circumstances out of her control. She selflessly filled my life with so much love overflowing that I don’t think I could have got if she was busy with children of her own. I honestly would be deeply lacking without her love.
So perhaps it’s meant to be this way. We are meant to have this role. As they say, it takes a village, and it’s an honour to be a part of that village.
Tagging the 2 authors and aunties 🩵🩵 I mentioned in this story.