Hi Sebastian, I’m your Aunty.

Difficult family relationships and glimmers of hope.

My brother will hold a grudge against someone for the rest of their life — or the rest of his — whoever dies first loses, in his opinion.

He has a lot of great qualities in that he’s very smart, he’s business savvy and works hard in his job to provide especially well for his wife and 2 children.

Jay’s not-so-great qualities are that he’s narcissistic and that if it doesn’t revolve around him, pique his interest, benefit him in any way or add something valuable (monetary) to his life, he doesn’t want to know.

When Jay couldn’t take over my wedding and got told off for BRINGING HIMSELF, HIS GIRLFRIEND AND MY PARENTS TO MINE AND MY NEW HUSBAND’S HONEYMOON, I became the sole target of his hatred. I got blocked on social media — on things I didn’t even use, that’s how angry Jay was at me — for not being able to do what he wanted on my honeymoon.

A year after he’d blocked me, Jay and his wife had a son. I asked. I begged. I pleaded. I was not allowed to see Sebastian. If I remember correctly, it was because I am a “psycho” with “no regard for others” I’m “too extra” and “way too emotional” and “not someone I want around my family”. Jay knows what will hurt me and uses it every time to his advantage.

This has gone on for 5 long years.

Last year, they added little Lily to their family; she looks just like my Mom did at her age. I was not allowed to see her, either.

So you can imagine how awkward it was when we released Dad’s ashes on Saturday and I was finally allowed contact with my niece and nephew for the first time in all our lives.

I’d heard a lot about Sebastian as he grew, Mom wanting to try to include me in the family even though Jay was doing everything in his power to shut me out. I got occasional updates on how Sebastian was growing — his first steps, his first words, his favourite foods, his love of dinosaurs and his classes in Karate. I also got a lot of unfavourable accounts on Sebastian’s personality. Very picky. Very bossy. Things had to be his way or he wasn’t going to behave. He sounded like a mini version of my brother and that made me sad. Little boys shouldn’t already be showing narcissistic traits, but there you go. Children are incredibly smart and pick up on a lot of things we don’t even suspect they would.

I readied myself in the car as we drove to the River to meet up with the family. Not only was I going to see Dad’s ashes, I was also going to meet my niece and nephew.

This was a huge deal.

Sebastian is now 5 years old. My first glimpse of him was when Jay, his wife Kate, Mom, Lily (in a stoller — I could tell immediately it was expensive) and Sebastian walked down to the river’s edge to meet up with Alun and I. I had to swallow back tears when I saw Sebastian and Lily for the first time. I had to hold my arms steady at my side, reminding myself they didn’t know me and now wouldn’t be a good time to try to hug and hold them; no matter how much I cried out to do so on the inside.

Sebastian hid behind Kate’s leg and wouldn’t look at Alun or I. I’ve worked with children my whole life (kids are my jam) so I wasn’t bothered by that. A lot of children are shy or wary of strangers. This is a good thing, we don’t want little ones to be friendly with just anyone.

As the morning progressed, I talked around Sebastian about things I knew he’d be interested in, asking Kate if she’d seen a dinosaur print before or if she thought a particularly long stick I found by the bay was used by a wizard. It wasn’t long before Sebastian couldn’t help but join in.

Gotcha :)

After we released Dad’s ashes, Jay and Kate casually invited Alun and I to meet them for lunch at Dad’s favourite pub.

Totes casual, nothing to see here. But inside, I was trying not to squeal, I was so excited to be given another chance to see Jay and his family.

At lunch, Sebastian and I were sat across from each other, as he ate, he’d tell me things: “Janet, did you know that 20 minus 1 is 19?” I’d exclaim in delight at his facts and knowledge “Woah — how did you know that? You’re so smart”. He liked this and I was plied with trivia for the whole meal. He didn’t talk to anyone else.

As we were about to leave (Al and I didn’t have a meal, we weren’t prepared and I was too upset to eat), I felt a little tug on my (okay, Alun’s) jumper. I looked down and to my delight, Sebastian was looking up at me.

“Can I ask you something?”

You can ask me anything.

I had to bite my lip to not say that out loud.

I fought against my excitement and emotions and answered casually “sure.”

“Can I please see you tomorrow?”

Oh.

my.

heart.

I knelt down so Sebastian and I were eye-to-eye.

I wasn’t sure how to answer his question.

Well, little guy — I’ve only been allowed to see you for the first time in 6 years because your Grandpa died. I’m not really liking my chances of seeing you again before someone else passes away.

Your Dad hates my guts. I know. Weird, right? So I don’t think he’ll allow me to see you after today. It’s like Cinderella — after today, the spell will be broken and I’ll be sent back to the wilderness of Jay’s disgust; hoping for the one day he extends his golden scepter my way and allows me to once again approach his throne.

Instead I tilted my head, narrowed my eyes and said “You know what?”

“what?”

“I think you like me!”

Sebastian giggled.

“Want to know a secret?”

Kids love secrets almost as much as they love candy. I knew this would work. He leaned in right away, eager to find out:

“yes please”

“I like you right back!”

I was rewarded with a fully belly laugh. Sebastian was so amused, bless him.

My nephew is a little cutie pie, guys. He had me around his little finger and I think the little guy knew it.

“Sebby, Janet will have work tomorrow” Kate said, winking at me. I found that really lovely “But maybe we can see her another day if you’re a good boy, ok?”

Sebastian didn’t look impressed, but agreed “okaaayyy” and took his Mom’s hand.

I thought about him all day, you know.

I hurt for all the things I’d missed and I was so scared to be cast out by Jay again that I was anxious about approaching the topic of if I could be part of my niece and nephew’s lives.

I thought about Dad and what he would say. I thought about Mom. I asked Alun and ran my plan by him. Alun hugged me tight and urged me to “go for it” so that night, I sent a message over Facebook to Kate. I knew she’d be more likely to respond in kindness than my brother was.

“Hi Kate, thank you so much for letting me have lunch with you all. Alun and I were so blessed to be included and I already think the world of Sebastian. I’d really like to be part of his world if that’s okay with you and Jay. Nothing huge, I was thinking I could pop by to your place once a month and maybe read a story with Sebastian and play a boardgame? Then go? I think the whole visit should be about an hour. Would that be ok?”

With my heart in my mouth and having had Alun run his trained eye over it first, I pressed “send”.

I paced the room until Alun told me to “Sit down, Gorg! You’re making me anxious now.”

3 hours later (it felt like 3 days, I swear to God), my phone ‘pinged’ in response. Kate had messaged: “Jay and I are happy for you to be part of Sebastian’s life. He doesn’t like many people but he’s been talking about you all afternoon. What days and times suit you?”

We messaged back and forth and have agreed on a visit this Sunday at 10am.

I’m ecstatic and trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

I’ll be venturing into enemy territory this weekend…with a book and a battered “hungry hippos” gameboard under my arm.

Wish me luck.