Why Couldn’t He Be Real?
Grieving a person that never existed.
I find it easy to get along with people and form basic connections, but when it comes to dating, I find it much harder to fall in love.
Over the past 15 years of my life, there haven’t been many instances where I met someone and felt a spark, someone I could see myself being in a relationship with. This includes people at work or friends that I have made.
Even if we get along well and connect, form a friendship, there is always something that makes me think they wouldn’t be a good match for a relationship. I guess being picky and having expectations of what I want in a man are a good thing in general; it means I am independent and value myself, not desperate to be with someone for the sake of it.
But if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, it can feel frustrating when you think back to the instant connection you seemed to have. There are days when I just want to curl up in bed and cry all day — I had found my soulmate, why couldn’t he be real?
He was perfect on paper
Narcissists are really good at morphing into whatever character they believe you are looking for, and many times with great effect. He was handsome, sexy, charming, funny, highly intelligent, successful and the number of things we had in common was unreal. From the shows we watched, the games we played to the food we liked, even our daily routines, our values and opinions on everything seemed to mirror.
There were moments when I thought he was the male version of myself and I couldn’t believe my luck. He appeared to feel the same:
“You are the dream woman, I feel so lucky you are even interested in me, I waited 33 years to find my soulmate.”
I remember being apprehensive at the start. We weren’t even a “real couple,” how would we know what living together would look like? How could I know that this one guy who happened to sit next to me in the office was my one true love?
Whenever I had a doubt about something, I did the one thing that I thought was right — I spoke to him about it. After all, he was the only person I could be truly honest with, the one who knew all of my secrets, the one I spoke to all day long. Instead, he would be hurt when I brought something up: How could I be so doubtful? If I thought it would be a problem, I didn’t know him at all, and he loved me so much he would do anything to make it work. Or at least, until I was convinced.
He won me over
Today I think my doubts were part of his attraction — a challenge he had to conquer at any cost. At the start when he repeatedly said how much he loved me, I wasn’t there, I was in love but I didn’t know him enough to “love” him. I can’t say for sure when it changed, but I know now that when it did, he lost interest and started pursuing his next victims.
One of his messages to his other mistress stated that he “just enjoys the chase”. Like everything else in his life, love was a game — the purpose was to win at any cost — but the rewards would never make him happy in the long run. When I really fell in love, he got bored.
I really wanted him to be real
It’s easy to look back at pictures and messages now and realise how fake he always was — the grand gestures, intense messages, the fake interest in everything I liked. He even told different stories about his past to the different women he was seeing, anything to create a connection.
When I spoke to his other mistress last night, she echoed what I was thinking:
“He was the first person I felt excited about since my last boyfriend. I like guys that don’t know how sexy they are and I loved his nerdy ways, he was funny and I felt we really connected. I just wanted that person to be real so badly.”
I am so alert now
I am so alert when I meet new people now, I can spot red flags a mile away. What I am looking for is genuine people over fake similarities. Someone who isn’t afraid to have different interests, or disagree. Someone who is attractive but not too full of themselves. Someone who is intelligent but doesn’t think they are better than others. This combination of trades seems to be difficult to find and every once in a while I get utterly frustrated sifting through millions of profiles online.
Forming connections is hard and finding someone you can fall in love with and see yourself spending time with is even harder.
I thought I had found him, why couldn’t he be real?