Why Can’t We Say “I Need Something From You?”
Some will always give but never dare to take.
Somewhere over the rainbow, there’s a gift that keeps giving.
A person who gives, again and again, to all the takers of the world.
Who never dares to ask for anything in return unless it benefits someone else. Never for personal benefit.
Are you that gift? If you are, I want to tell you that you should ask for whatever you need.
The world is a better place when we’re open about our needs. Often, our needs involve things others could easily give back. If only they knew or were reminded of it.
Isn’t it such a shame that all you do is give, and all they do is take?
Why don’t we ask for help?
Some people are too proud to admit they need something someone else has. They think they’re supposed to figure things out on their own.
Others fear being perceived as weak. Especially when helping others makes them feel powerful, how could they take the “weak” route of asking?
Before you know it, the fear of being perceived as weak walks hand in hand with fear of being rejected or fear of having to cope with disappointment.
How about those who cling to the wrong beliefs?
“If I help everyone, everyone will want to help me back when I need it. Without even me having to ask for it.” — ha.
“If I work hard, my boss is going to notice and give me a raise without me asking for it.” — ha ha.
“If I stare at that girl long enough, she’s going to notice I’m into her and come ask me out for a date.” — just-fell-off-my-chair ha.
“If I do anything my partner wants and needs, I’m going to be even more loved and appreciated.” — ah ah ah.
To be clear, all the has and ahs you’ll see in this story come from the heart. No pun intended.
Now, how about the not-so-blissed ignorants? The people who don’t know what they want, don’t know who is the best person to help them get it, or don’t even know what’s available for them to get?
We may fall in any of these categories at specific points in time.
I know I did a few splits. And then some backbends. Inserting each of my four members into a different fail-to-ask-for-help category is something I’ve been working hard at.
But I’m also trying to work myself out of.
So, if there’s one thing I try to remind myself of each day, it is this:
A person who doesn’t ask is a person who doesn’t get and who doesn’t reach potential. What a waste to purposefully make life duller by not opening the mouth and asking for what we need.
What happens when we decide to wait for it?
My pleasure. Glad I could help.
This is how we respond to people who thank us, usually right as they head about their day, happy for getting what they needed.
And we mean it.
We’re glad we could help. There’s pleasure in knowing you’ve been useful. In knowing you’ve been needed. Even in knowing you’ve been used, for some of us.
But isn’t it a question we’d like to hear back? Perhaps even need to hear back?
A question left unspoken, lingering in the silence that fills the room as a person empties the same room?
The question is: can I do anything for you?
Well, that question hardly comes. If you’re not going after it, you can’t expect much good to happen.
You’re disappointed, but for the wrong reasons.
While you toss and wait for others to ask you what you need, the Earth keeps spinning. The sun keeps shinning. And people go about their lives, ignorant to just about any of the worries you conjure.
You’re getting all worked up in your head, assuming the worst about yourself. There must be something wrong with you that makes people ignore you and your need for help. Right?
Wrong.
In reality, people are just busy. Also, they can’t read minds. And they might happily help you, if only you’d ask.
Hurt pride, fear, low self-esteem, a wrong sense of self-worth, unnecessarily depressing thoughts, lost friendships, and many other harmful things come out of not speaking up for what you need.
Nah, I’m good, thanks for asking.
Are you, really?
If you are, and you genuinely don’t need anything, I couldn’t be happier for you.
But what about if you need something and you don’t dare to ask for it?
We all have moments in our lives when we struggle to ask for help. We have ups and downs, possibly more downs than ups, moments when we feel vulnerable and don’t want the world to see us for how we feel.
Have you programmed yourself to say, “I am good, I don’t need anything.” without giving it a thought?
Sometimes we let these words fly. And once we say, “I am good, happy I could help you,” it may feel like there’s no way back to saying, “Actually, I might need something from you too.”
It makes sense to refuse help when you don’t even know what kind of help you need. Or when you’re still pondering your options.
Yet it doesn’t make any sense not to ask for help just because you’re only used to give.
So, how do we ask for help?
Asking is the first step, though it won’t guarantee you’ll also get what you need.
You might find yourself asking for help from the wrong person at times. You may not even be very clear about what you need. And, another mistake, you might fail to show the other person what’s in it for them.
So, asking for help may be slightly more challenging than just opening your mouth. But with a clear picture in mind and the confidence that only comes from practicing, you’ll get the hang of it and manage to:
Ask help from the person who can provide it Be specific about what you need Be specific about the benefits your giver would receive Be confident Keep asking
After all, you’re not weak for asking. And just because you’re asking, it doesn’t mean you can’t stand alone.
The world needs people strong enough to stand alone, but also smart enough to know when they need help. Asking for help is bravery, not weakness, and it can only make the world a better place.
Winston Churchill used to say that “we make a living by what we get, and a life by what we give.”
I wish you to be brave enough to make both a living and a life.
Thank you for making it to the end! I’ve got more stories like this one if you want to peek:
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