Why Can’t I Come?

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Abstract

is true.</p><p id="425e">Could it be that I feel <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-if-the-slut-shamer-is-myself-bf66db94ca5b">subconsciously guilty</a> about enjoying threesomes and bisexuality and extramarital sex, activities not endorsed by society at large?</p><p id="3fed">Could it be that my relationship with Captain is still new, and I don’t fully trust him? I’ve written elsewhere about the fact that <a href="https://readmedium.com/our-lover-is-visiting-his-girlfriend-2588444dc46e">he has a girlfriend</a> in another town, hundreds of miles away, whom he lies to about his fidelity. That bothers me. But so far, not enough to shut this down…</p><p id="c134">Part of me feels evil about that, like an old hag I saw in a science fiction movie, who drinks the blood of younger people in order to keep herself young. It’s not that Captain and Hubs are younger than I am (although they are, which Captain likes to gleefully point out, but only by a few years). It’s that my pleasure, my fountain of youth, my sexual awakening, my balm for my marriage, seems to come at the expense of this absent girlfriend.</p><p id="4748">Or does it? I’m not sure how to do the math…</p><p id="b004">I was talking about my orgasm deficit to <a href="https://readmedium.com/developments-in-my-open-marriage-edba7b82fdf6">Hungry Man</a>, who has returned to the (email) scene in a strictly advisory capacity, by the way, when he recommended a few books. (I love that he is such an avid reader. Who knows? Maybe one day our aborted tryst will reconstruct?)</p><p id="fec6">First, I ordered them all from the library. Then I bought copies for myself. Then I bought copies for my daughter and my daughter-in-law.</p><p id="1f60">These are books that every woman, and every parent of a daughter, should have on their shelf. Because the messages society gives women about their sexuality is universally negative and mostly wrong.</p><p id="1485">I’m currently reading them all simultaneously and will write reviews when I’m done. But here’s the most important thing I’ve learned so far: the orgasm gap between men and women is real, it’s widespread, and it can and should be closed.</p><p id="147d">And I’m on board for that!!!</p><div id="0ae0" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.booksinc.net/book/9780062664556"> <div> <div> <h2>Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters--And How to Get It (Paperback)</h2> <div><h3>We've been thinking about sex all wrong. Mainstream media, movies, and porn have taught us that sex = penis + vagina…</h3></div> <div><p>www.booksinc.net</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*OtrBNPhOOEtY92pv)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e53c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.booksinc.net/book/9781580058360"> <div> <div>

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   <h2>The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution (Hardcover)</h2>
            <div><h3>American culture is more sexually liberal than ever. But compared to men, women's sexual pleasure has not grown: Up to…</h3></div>
            <div><p>www.booksinc.net</p></div>
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            <h2>Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life…</h2>
            <div><h3>A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski's game-changing New York Times bestseller Come As You Are, featuring new…</h3></div>
            <div><p>www.booksinc.net</p></div>
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            <h2>Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Paperback)</h2>
            <div><h3>A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what…</h3></div>
            <div><p>www.booksinc.net</p></div>
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    </div><p id="8d1c"><i>What happened next? Read <a href="https://readmedium.com/im-going-on-a-love-diet-7df15a0e1fc5">Chronicle of an Open Marriage #33</a>. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on <a href="https://medium.com/@trisharkness/list/sexuality-5641254258e5">this one</a>. Get an email <a href="https://medium.com/subscribe/@trisharkness">whenever I publish</a>. And have a wonderful day.</i></p><div id="38ef" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://medium.com/@trisharkness/list/7d8a5461bf32">
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            <h2>Chronicle of an Open Marriage</h2>
            <div><h3>We were on the brink of divorce when I made a suggestion. Can Ethical Non-Monogamy save our marriage? We're about to…</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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Chronicle of an Open Marriage #32

I’m a woman in a throuple with two men: my husband of 39 years and our lover of 4–5 months (depending on whether you’re counting my sex life or Hubs’) whom I’ve been calling Captain in my Chronicle of an Open Marriage stories. Here’s something I’ve noticed: Hubs and Captain orgasm every single time we fuck. But me? Ummm…maybe one in 10? One in 20? What’s going on here?

I’m not saying I don’t have a good time, because I definitely do. With his new relationship energy, Captain provides a lot of things my long-term marriage had been missing — deep, passionate kissing; highly charged stroking and petting; looks and words of appreciation for my almost-forgotten charms. I feel these new elements deeply and enjoy them immensely. But usually, I can’t push myself over the edge. Why?

Here are some other big changes to my sex life:

I’ve bought a lot of lingerie since embarking on our adventure, something Hubs never particularly liked or encouraged. To his credit, he says there’s nothing sexier than my naked body. But for me, wearing black fishnet thigh-highs and a red form-fitting teddy under my clothes — as I did when the three of us went away last weekend — is a big turn-on. I felt super sexy in these new underthings, and when Captain disrobed me (and bent me over the bed) after our night out dancing, he obviously agreed that I am.

Captain is also focused on different body parts than Hubs, and has a different style of lovemaking. He likes to suckle on my breasts, which I enjoy, but which Hubs almost never does. He gives me hand jobs, which Hubs never does either, being more focused on oral delights when visiting the nether regions.

Threesomes are also a new thing for me. I love feeling Captain’s enchanted member deep inside, and I love the way Hubs smiles while watching me enjoy that, and how the three of us fit our various parts together on the bed, sometimes with me in the middle (heaven!), sometimes with Captain or Hubs. We all fuck each other, in case you are wondering… Hubs and Captain are bisexual. It’s a veritable love feast.

With all these new erotic dishes on the menu, you’d think I’d be coming more often than usual. Yet the opposite is true.

Could it be that I feel subconsciously guilty about enjoying threesomes and bisexuality and extramarital sex, activities not endorsed by society at large?

Could it be that my relationship with Captain is still new, and I don’t fully trust him? I’ve written elsewhere about the fact that he has a girlfriend in another town, hundreds of miles away, whom he lies to about his fidelity. That bothers me. But so far, not enough to shut this down…

Part of me feels evil about that, like an old hag I saw in a science fiction movie, who drinks the blood of younger people in order to keep herself young. It’s not that Captain and Hubs are younger than I am (although they are, which Captain likes to gleefully point out, but only by a few years). It’s that my pleasure, my fountain of youth, my sexual awakening, my balm for my marriage, seems to come at the expense of this absent girlfriend.

Or does it? I’m not sure how to do the math…

I was talking about my orgasm deficit to Hungry Man, who has returned to the (email) scene in a strictly advisory capacity, by the way, when he recommended a few books. (I love that he is such an avid reader. Who knows? Maybe one day our aborted tryst will reconstruct?)

First, I ordered them all from the library. Then I bought copies for myself. Then I bought copies for my daughter and my daughter-in-law.

These are books that every woman, and every parent of a daughter, should have on their shelf. Because the messages society gives women about their sexuality is universally negative and mostly wrong.

I’m currently reading them all simultaneously and will write reviews when I’m done. But here’s the most important thing I’ve learned so far: the orgasm gap between men and women is real, it’s widespread, and it can and should be closed.

And I’m on board for that!!!

What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #33. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a wonderful day.