Why Being Selfish Pays Off Big Time

Fat “no” is making a comeback.

No one ever taught me how to become assertive with my feelings and wishes. In that area, I am a self-made woman and still learning.

One of the best forms of self-care I have ever cultivated is the ability to say no.

If I don’t find pleasure in doing something, I am not engaging.

Oh, what a cliché, you might say.

But do you truly exercise this privilege of saying ‘no’? Are you bold enough to speak up for your priorities?

You may call it selfish.

You may call it ignorance.

I call it bliss and the picky joy of living.

I don’t think it is convenient. I think it is smart.

You can only serve others with the same capacity you serve yourself.

I believe by becoming selfish, making ourselves the priority, we get to elevate others’ consciousness by shining the light as the example of being at the top of the game.

I was raised a people pleaser. The kind one who grants wishes. A flexible one who does not let others wait but always be the first to await them.

I was saying ‘yes’ to every casual going-out with friends after work, every project, every family gathering, neglecting my pursuits and pleasures.

The art of saying no.

After quitting my job with no prospects of future employment, I have found a ridiculous amount of time on my hands.

Whenever somebody asked me the question: ‘What do I want next?’ I was left speechless. I had no answer.

To make matters worse, I wanted permission to be comfortable with the unknown territory stretching in front of me. We are not conditioned to feel content with being unemployed.

Fangs of consciousness began eating me slowly.

After a while, I have realized my guilt had very little to do with not earning money and everything with feeling secured and validated. I felt shame because I have refused to follow the popular movement of striving for a successful career.

Saying no is not a crime, but a privilege we tend to take for granted.

We should never feel guilty for being our greatest cheerleader.

If so, why are we so hesitant to say no and follow the road less travelled?

We are feeling not enough.

Not important enough to decline. Not strong enough to hold firm grounds and express own opinions.

For some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit, frequently an automatic response; for others, saying ‘yes,’ agreeing to take on whatever is asked, is an addiction.

— Susan Newman, author of The Book of NO — 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

The premise of granting too many ‘yeses’ is irrevocably connected with the movement of not-enoughness.

I doubted my self-worth and the feeling of belonging to society.

My friends, although having messy lives, all had a steady income. My family has always appreciated hard work. Since high school, I have earned money, organized my time to serve others.

A fixed job has subconsciously been linked to my self-worth.

Without the steady income, my internal worth was shattered. And where there is no self-worth, authenticity cannot thrive.

We fear missing out.

Guilt and indecisiveness are misery’s companions.

When you make fear-based decisions, you are watering your grass with exactly that. The garden of fear is blossoming in front of your eyes, or better yet: trapping you inside it.

Whatever foundation you lay behind your action, that is precisely what you will receive. So, whenever you agree to an offer out of fear, the situation will only cause more discomfort and dread.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. You receive from the world what you give to the world.

― Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul

When you fear missing out on an opportunity, and it becomes the driving force behind your ‘yes’, you are operating on the scarcity mindset.

And when do you thrive? From the abundance mindset.

It says: the next best opportunity is always around the corner.

When you operate from this mindset you don’t fear saying ‘no’.

We associate saying ‘no’ with offensive behaviour.

Whenever I gave consent to anything that did not feel comfortable, I was showing disrespect to my authenticity.

Stepping outside the comfort zone adds to our growth. Nonetheless, sacrificing our well-being in the name of tickling somebody’s fancy is the opposite of growth, and speaks volume about the manipulative cravings of our culture.

Society condemns confident individuals as a little too much.

I refuse to tone myself down so that other people can feel more comfortable. Their ability to find a good-feeling spot is not my responsibility.

Refusing an invitation is a powerful right you should boldly exercise.

You can argue it is more comfortable to exist in an amicable environment. Well, guess what? ‘Existing’ is the opposite of ‘thriving’ when you are the victim of your powerlessness.

Your time and energy are your servants. You are in no obligation to hand it out to anybody else if that is not your cup of tea.

Your worthiness is not negotiable, so is your life and whatever fashion you wish to enjoy it.

We lack a clear-cut purpose.

The reason behind the scarcity of ‘no’ was related to not knowing what I wanted to say ‘yes’ to.

When being in two minds about something, it is easier for somebody else to persuade you into their ways.

What is more, when you are not aware of what you are going for, you are sabotaging your progress.

Whenever you decline one offer, you are accepting something else.

It is easy to get confused in the labyrinth of fads and fancies, not recognizing the calling of our hearts. Especially in the era of beauty fads, the chase after unattainable perfection, luxury goods, life on point standardized by social media.

By following the suggestions of somebody else, you are forsaking your goals.

Saying yes to their whims means suppressing your growth.

• How many times have you said no to people because that was your whim?
• How many times have you declined an invitation because every cell of your body screamed against it?
• How many times have you refused a proposition because you preferred your own company?

If you spend too much time trying to talk yourself into doing anything, that is your sure sign of a hell no.

I bet you would not feel comfortable watching your best friend or a partner getting by on scraps. Do not let yourself be deprived of quality, either.

How can you know when saying ‘no’ is right?

My sacred practice consists of spending time alone, in a quiet place, to reset my thoughts.

Meditation is my go-to technique.

When I feel doubts creeping over me, I give myself time to rest. Any feelings of insecurity imply mixed vibrations about the subject.

Sometimes the affirmation you need to repeat is: ‘no’.

— ledbysource.com

To ground myself into the ‘decisive mode’, I refuse to analyse the topic.

Overthinking sucks the life energy out of you. Just like too many apps operating on your phone, they drain its energy.

Research has shown that overthinking adds to frustration, fear, and stress. It is impossible to make the right choice when not in alignment with the authentic voice.

You cannot find the solution while you are still digging into the problem.

How to exercise the privilege of saying ‘no’?

• Say it firmly and directly. ‘No, I don’t want to’ suffices for the answer.
• No explanations, elaborate reasoning necessary. Lying will cause more anxiety and guilt.
• You may express your appreciation for the invitation if that is genuine.
• Be mindful of every decision you make. Pause and make the inventory of your feelings. Let the monkey mind vacate the driver seat.
• Practice makes perfect. Practice saying no as much as possible.

You might say you lose friends along the way, or your credibility. So, how much can we gain?

A side effect of cultivating your newfound boundaries is freedom and clarity.

As you cleanse decayed vibrations, new energy starts flowing throughout your life, attracting new people, inspiration and novel opportunities.

If one person leaves your life, let them. You are making room for the fresh energy to take the space.

Refusing to keep ties with a difficult friend does not make you arrogant. It makes you healthy.

Those who constantly find faults either repel people or draw like-minded companions into their misery.

Once you take the leap of faith into your strengths, you depict the highest level of self-care.

And self-care does not necessarily entail face masks, massages, pink bubble baths, but the uncertainty of growth accompanied by unshakeable trust in your judgement.

That inside glow can never be preserved with facials treatments.

You should never feel ashamed about standing up for your feelings.

Saying ‘no’ is being selective about your energy and surroundings.

When you say no to one thing, you also make room for other form of abundance to come into your life:

• new opportunities.
• newly discovered pleasures.
• the abundance of time you get to spend all on yourself.

Whatever the cost, I root for you, dear reader:

Be selfish enough to love yourself first. Make yourself a priority.

Only then can you pour love into everyone else’s cup, filling it with acceptance and warmth towards every human being.

Dare to be powerful.

Do not stumble for anyone else’s sake of peace.

Do not humble yourself to make someone else feel better.

Embrace yourself.

Acknowledge your strengths.

Raise your voice.

Following your passion requires unrestrained freedom.

Thank you for reading!

I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.