Why Asking for Help Is Not an Act of Weakness

It’s an act of strength and courage.

It’s hard for some of us to ask for help. We view it as being needy or weak, unable to take care of ourselves and our life or work. It violates our desire to be independent and capable because we want to come across as strong and stalwart in any situation. Maybe we have people who rely on us to be the rock they depend on. Maybe by asking for help, we will be seen as weak and be taken advantage of. We come across like a tower of power, but all too often we are quaking on the inside, terrified that we can’t do it alone, that we will fail those who depend on us.

An inability to ask for help can lead us to the brink of total overwhelm and exhaustion. No one has an inexhaustible source of resilience. An apparently solid cliff can be broken down when enough stress is applied, but the stress doesn’t have to be sudden and catastrophic. That cliff can be broken down by the constant battering of wind over time or the slow erosion of the soil holding it up. We’re no different. There are times when we need someone or something to help us withstand the tempest and, sometimes, just offer us a shoulder to lean on. Yet, we don’t — or can’t — ask for help when we need it.

“From what I’ve seen, it isn’t so much the act of asking that paralyzes us — it’s what lies beneath: the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection, the fear of looking needy or weak. The fear of being seen as a burdensome member of the community instead of a productive one. It points, fundamentally, to our separation from one another.”― Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking; or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

According to Joan Rosenberg Ph.D., writing in Psychology Today:

“We are inherently social beings. Yet most people who have grown up in individualistic cultures like the United States are often raised with the belief that relying on others and asking for help is a burden to others and makes you seem emotionally weak.”

Many of us were raised in households where struggle was real. We had immigrant parents who arrived with nothing and survived by being self-reliant. The image of the hardscrabble hero who stands alone and defeats the power of evil is practically ingrained in our DNA. We idolize the superhero and honor the ordinary person who shows extraordinary courage.

Sometimes, we are ashamed that we need help, especially if our actions have led to the situation we are in. This often happens when we need financial assistance, have an addiction that has created a crisis, or have made a mistake or decision that has led to serious or dire consequences. We’re afraid of hearing those soul-crushing statements, “You made your bed, now lie in it,” “I told you so,” and “Serves you right.” We’d rather go down in defeat smothered by shame and guilt than expose ourselves to the condemnation and ridicule of others.

Asking for help requires us to reframe our thinking.

As long as we view asking for help as weakness, we take the path to failure. Sure, we may have to withstand being pummeled for a while, but eventually we will collapse from the stress of going it alone. The cliff will crumble, and the very weakness we are trying so hard to avoid will crash down on us.

“Being resourceful…involves embracing the dependent side of your nature; it takes feeling vulnerable, courageous, and comfortable enough within yourself to recognize when you need help,” writes Dr. Rosenberg.

To ask for help is to tear down the facade of being strong and self-sufficient and to replace it with the strength of being human — not a superhero, but just an ordinary human being who has reached the end of their rope. It is an act of courage because it requires us to admit that we’re not as strong and independent as we want to be. If shame or guilt is stopping us, we must admit to ourselves and others that we contributed to our situation. We may also have to take remedial action or seek professional help to avoid the same situation in the future.

To say, “I need help” is both sobering and freeing.

The right way to ask for help

Once we decide to ask for help, we need to make some decisions. We want to be prepared to express our needs clearly and concisely, not as a beggar who is desperate, but as someone who readily acknowledges that they need more resources than they have.

Asking for help demonstrates to others that we trust and rely on them. Even those who are unable to say yes may feel honored that you reached out to them. It can strengthen relationships, especially when we eagerly reciprocate if the opportunity arises.

Whom shall we ask and why?

We want to choose wisely and carefully, avoiding those who may judge us or become patronizing. The choice isn’t always clear-cut, especially if it’s someone we know. This can trigger those feelings of appearing weak, so it’s important to focus on a list of people we trust and who will accept us as we are.

“In order to receive help, you need to trust the other person and to trust that you’re worthy of help (self-respect). This might be the hardest part but it is absolutely vital.” — Tasha Rube, LMSW

What do we want from them?

We need to clarify exactly what we want from them. If it’s money, how much and how will it be repaid? If it’s physical assistance, what kind and for how long? It’s important to not downgrade or downplay what we need since that won’t solve our problem.

How do we ask?

Be straightforward, admit we need their help, and word the request in a way that allows them to graciously agree or decline our request. Be factual and focus on how their help will make a difference while avoiding the victim card. Answer their questions with grace and honesty and provide any assurances they may need about repayment or reciprocity. Listen with curiosity, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence. Ask if they need anything from us to help them make the decision. Be forthright and be willing to accept any response — good or bad.

What do we do if they refuse?

It’s possible that we may be met with a range of responses from flat-out refusal to a guilt trip to acceptance. They may need time to think about it. Whatever the outcome, remain gracious and polite. Thank them for listening to you. If they refuse, don’t take it personally; they may have too much on their plate already. Move on to someone else you have identified.

The benefits of asking for help

Improving our ability to ask for help means that we can move forward instead of staying stuck in a situation beyond our ability to handle alone. We learn how to approach challenges in new ways and discover strategies and solutions we may never have found on our own. It reduces stress, increases peace of mind, and strengthens our ability to accept ourselves as we are. Instead of diminishing our self-confidence, it can bolster it as we acknowledge the courage it took to overcome our initial fear and reluctance.

“Asking for help is never a sign of weakness. It’s one of the bravest things you can do. And it can save your life.”― Lily Collins, Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me

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