When You’re at the End of Your Rope, Let Go

Don’t let what you can’t control kill you

Have you ever felt as if you were trying to tap dance on an ice floe that kept tilting and shifting out from under your feet?

And you were being pelted by sleet?

And there was no cover anywhere?

Every time you started to take control, the ice floe tilted, and you landed on your butt.

What if you stopped trying to dance, and instead of falling on your butt over and over, you just sat and stayed put.

You would start moving with the ice floe and steady your ride.

You still wouldn’t be in control, but neither would you be tossed around.

Control Is a Mirage

Mirage: an illusion of something that you believe you see, but that really isn’t there

Some of us feel the need to control every aspect of our lives with no room for deviation of any kind. Many of us fall into this trap when faced with too many changes too fast since it’s natural to start scrambling for safety by exercising control over everything.

According to Sandra Sanger, Ph.D., “Time and again, research has demonstrated that intelligence, knowledge, and reason notwithstanding, people often believe that they have control over events in their lives, even when such control is impossible.”¹

As a child, I always expected something bad to drop on me without warning, so I worked hard to control everything in my environment. I always looked for hidden pitfalls and felt safer when I had a plan for every possible permutation for every situation.

Whenever something happened or things changed, which they always did, and none of my alternatives were feasible, I would scramble desperately to regain a sense of control.

Then one day several years ago, my world was knocked off its axis, and nothing would ever be the same.

I could not undo what had been done.

My whole life now would be different.

All my carefully crafted plans evaporated in an instant of time.

I had no Plan B, or C, or even Z.

All I had was grief.

Letting Go Is Not Giving Up; It’s Moving On

“If I can’t control it, I’m not going to let it kill me. I’m going to let it go.”

Live long enough, and you know grief. Today, it has visited many of us as we strive to control a raging pandemic.

But it isn’t just the loss of loved ones that has thrown many lives into grief and chaos.

Today, many of us are grieving other kinds of losses — livelihoods, memories that were never made, physical touch, shared meals, walking hand-in-hand, smiling faces, and so, so much more.

We long for what we have lost. We yearn to control what is so uncontrollable. The harder we fight and try to wrest control, the more pain we feel. This fuels our negative emotions and floods our systems with frustration, anger, and depression. Our stress mounts, compounding the negative space we’re in. Our mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being are pummeled.

“It’s important to remember that control in our lives is often illusory. Once you’ve determined, ‘Hey, I really don’t have control over this at all,’ you can begin praThe first step is to let go, acknowledge that nothing will ever be the same, admit that we have no control over much of our lives, and then begin to pick up the pieces we do have control over.cticing flexibility and conserve your energy for those matters that you really can influence.”²

The first step is to let go, acknowledge that nothing will ever be the same, admit that we have no control over much of our lives, and then begin to pick up the pieces we do have control over. I learned to live with grief by focusing on what was in my power to control and taking one small step at a time to find equilibrium in my strange new world.

According to Charles Francis, the founder and director of the Mindfulness Meditation Institute, “Holding on to things we can’t control can cause us a great deal of stress and unhappiness. It also keeps us stuck in the past, and keeps us from growing and living our lives freely. If we want to be happy and free, then we need to learn to let go.”³

When we let go of our need for an outcome to be just so and stop attaching our happiness and security on a specific result or situation, our lives open up.

• We begin to see new possibilities and opportunities that we never before considered or acknowledged.
• Our self-esteem and self-confidence grows and we become independent of people and things outside of ourselves for our happiness and satisfaction.
• We learn to trust ourselves and our capabilities, believing that we can find answers, make sound decisions, and take care of ourselves and our loved ones.

We stop needing certainty and find ways of not just surviving, but thriving with uncertainty.

My motto became: “If I can’t control it, I’m not going to let it kill me. I’m going to let it go.”

Ways of Letting Go of Control

According to Dr. Eliot Cohen, “Facing the inherent and unavoidable uncertainty of the future can indeed seem formidable — if you demand certainty. But letting go of this demand is the key to letting go of your fear. If you don’t have to control the outcome, if you do not expect to predict with certainty what is by its nature uncertain…then you are free to relax….When we learn to let go, we can be free of the sources of our pain and suffering that are holding us back.”⁴

There are many ways of releasing the need to control what is uncontrollable.

Harness the power of a list.

According to Carrie Barron, M.D., Director of the Creativity for Resilience Program at Dell Medical School in Austin, Texas, lists can help clear away confusion. They let you more easily prioritize what’s in your control and what isn’t and help you separate the important from the unimportant.⁵

Step 1. Make a list with two columns.

• In Column A, list everything that is out of your control. You’ll probably end up with big, hairy things like the economy, government, the pandemic, job loss, financial loss, and so on.
• In Column B, list everything that is within your control, such as financial prudence, healthy habits, a positive frame of mind and point of view, brushing up your skills and abilities, looking for income opportunities, and so on.

Step 2. Take column B and create action items.

• Right-now actions
• 1–3 month actions
• 3–6 month actions and their steps to completion
• 6–12 month actions and their steps to completion
• More than 12-month actions and their steps to completion

These lists serve to anchor your focus on what you can control. They show you the steps you can take and relieve the pressure you feel about your situation. If you find yourself ruminating about the items in Column A, stop and direct your attention to whatever action step is next on your list.

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.” Epictetus

Build a support net.

I did not write “network.”

A support net is made up your closest, most trusted relationships. It can include spouses, parents, children, friends, mentors, and even your pets. My cat, Cody, was a key member of my support net.

According to Dr. Mary Elizabeth Dean, “The people you keep around you are instrumental to the way you navigate your life. Make sure you talk to someone who supports you and can help ground you when you feel a loss of control.”⁶

Zoom can never replace face-to-face, in-person companionship, but cutting ourselves off from others makes it harder to accept our situation.

In required social isolation or the self-imposed isolation of grief, it is important to reach out to those who care for us and that we care for, in turn. None of us are alone in facing challenges, and in times of trouble, all of us need supportive, empathetic people with whom we feel safe.

Create pockets of peace.

I am not religious, despite — or possibly because of — my upbringing. When my world fell apart, I had no “God” to turn to. Praying was hypocritical, yet I needed to find something that gave me small pockets of peace, so I turned to meditation.

For millennia, people have found profound benefits in meditation. In addition to reducing stress and improving overall health and well-being, a meditation practice fills you with a sense of peace and acceptance that stays with you long after meditation time ends.

You don’t need to be a yogi to meditate. Here are some easy meditation strategies I use.

• Stop doing, stop thinking, and just breathe. Focus on your breath as it flows in and out and keep bringing your attention back to your breathing until you feel any tension or stress release. This is my immediate go-to when I feel overwhelmed or the need to control what’s uncontrollable comes over me.
• Choose a word that has meaning for you, such as peace, calm, love. Repeat it slowly to yourself for several minutes, concentrating on the feeling it creates in you. You will carry the feeling with you long after your meditation ends. You may want to carry a talisman that represents your word. I bought two, thin, sterling, cuff bracelets with the words, “Peace” and “Strength,” which I would rub when I wasn’t in a place where I could meditate. The engraved words are now well-worn.
• Get one or two meditation apps. Some are free; some require monthly fees. I use the Calm and Insight Timer apps.

Letting Go Is Hard; Letting Go Is Freeing

We all fear losing what we value, what’s important in our lives. We seek stability and security — reassurance that our lives and world are safe and that we can rely on them to be there. And it’s all an illusion.

I have learned to release my grip and let things flow. Was it easy to learn? No.

Is it easy now? Not always, but I find more peace when I concentrate on what I can control, what makes sense to control, and release everything else. I trust that I’ll be okay no matter what happens.

I just sit down and go with the floe.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” Steve Maraboli.

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References

1. “The Illusion of Control” by Sandra Sanger, Ph.D., at PsychCentral
2. Ibid.
3. “How to Learn How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control” by Charles Francis at Lifehack.org
4. “The Fear of Losing Control,” by Elliot D. Cohen Ph.D., at atPsychology Today
5. “How Making Lists Can Quell Anxiety and Breed Creativity” by Carrie Barron, M.D., at Psychology Today
6. “The Illusion of Control and What Are Some Examples” by Dr. Mary Elizabeth Dean at Better Health