Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence or selfishness. It’s necessary.
Most of us aspire to high emotional intelligence; it’s held up as the path to career success and life satisfaction. One of the elements of high emotional intelligence is empathy. We tune into what someone else is experiencing and respect their right to feel what they are feeling. We are non-judgmental and accepting. So, why is it easy for us to have empathy for others and hard to have it for ourselves?
We criticize and condemn ourselves in language we would never use with someone else. It’s as if we must be harder with ourselves and less tolerant of our human foibles and emotions than we are with others. We feel that if we show ourselves compassion, we’re being self-indulgent and selfish.
My mother worked fulltime, and my grandmother took care of me when I was a child. Nana wasn’t the Hallmark-card grandmother; she was distant and unyielding. For her, demonstrating anything that smacked of selfishness or self-indulgence was met with stern disapproval. I had to let my friends play with my dolls and be gracious when they broke them. I always had to step aside and let others go first or choose first — even other kids. While it is important to teach children to be considerate of others and be polite, it can go a bit awry if taken to extremes. I grew up believing that meeting my needs and getting what I wanted were less important than everyone else.
As a result, I am very hard on myself and find it challenging to show compassion toward myself. Yes, I’ve worked on it. and I’ve come a long way. Yes, I still sometimes feel guilty when I believe that I have “indulged” myself, but I doubt that I’m alone.
Are there differences among the meanings of self-compassion, selfishness, and self-indulgence? Can understanding these differences help us to be kinder to ourselves? Yes, because the meanings that we ascribe to these words influence how we think and act toward ourselves.
“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” –RuPaul
Is Self-Compassion Self-Pity?
Self-compassion isn’t self-pity. According to Merriam-Webster, self-pity is a “self-indulgent dwelling on one’s own sorrows or misfortunes.” We all know what a pity-party is. It’s easy to recognize it in ourselves and others. We’re the center of the universe and expect that everything will go as we want it. When it doesn’t, we dissolved into a chest beating, woe-is-me victim.
Self-pity mires us in the past. We ruminate on problems, loss, sadness, and everything and everyone that has injured us. We believe we are the only one to have suffered such unfair blows.
“When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems. — Psychologist Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology, University of Texas, Austin
Self-pity is needless and unresourceful. It isn’t a path forward; instead, it isolates us from others and keeps us mired in the past. With self-compassion, on the other hand, we accept the situation, and rather than wallowing in misery and feeling sorry for ourselves, we treat ourselves as we would a friend in the same position — with loving, nonjudgmental care. We acknowledge that we aren’t alone and that others have and are suffering too. This wider view of our situation helps us gain perspective and discover greater resourcefulness for dealing with things. According to Dr. Teyhou Smyth, Adjunct Professor of Psychology, Graduate School of Education and Psychology, Pepperdine University:
“A person who has self-pity tends to view themselves as a victim, thus relying on external rescue for things to improve. Someone who has self-compassion can register their struggles, acknowledge how difficult it has been, and examine ways to cope and improve the situation.” Psychology Today
Is Self-Compassion Selfish?
Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others; arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. Merriam-Webster
Do you feel deeply about caring for others who are suffering, but feel selfish if you care for yourself? I often feel this way, but I’ve learned that it is a dangerous way of living. When we ignore our own needs, suffering, and pain to care for others, we create fertile ground for resentment, anger, burn out, and more.
Caregivers often find themselves in a bind because they believe that they must always put the needs of the person in their care above their own. They feel guilty when they take time off or do something for themselves and often underestimate the toll caregiving takes on them. They find themselves in the proverbial rock-and-hard place, yet self-compassion is critically important for their ability to deliver the quality of care they aspire to. According to several studies both in the United States and China, it has shown that people who exercise self-compassion have greater empathy and are more compassionate with others than those without self-compassion.
“Your ability to care for others relies on your ability to care for yourself, and your capacity for self-care draws on your reservoir of self-compassion.” — Fidelity Center for Family Engagement
Caregiver resources
Self-care for the Caregiver on the Harvard Medical School Health blog
Caregiver stress: Tips for taking care of yourself from the Mayo Clinic
Is Self-Compassion Self-Indulgence?
Short answer: No.
“Indulge: to yield to the desire of; to treat with excessive leniency, generosity, or consideration; to give free rein to; to take unrestrained pleasure in; to gratify. ” — Merriam-Webster
Self-indulgence is binging on Netflix instead of tackling your financial problems, eating a pint of ice cream after a breakup, having one too many beers instead of looking for a better job. It’s short-sighted and focuses on immediate gratification regardless of the consequences.
We often fall into self-indulgence when we are disappointed, have been emotionally hurt in some way, or haven’t had our desires met. It comes from a desire to feel better about something, so we indulge in short-term remedies with the hopes that we’ll feel happier when the pint of ice cream or fourth beer is finished. While it feels good going down, that good feeling is ephemeral. Before long, we need another fix because we are trying to smother what feels bad instead of dealing with it.
On the other hand, self-compassion helps us face uncomfortable feelings as part of living. Rather than seeking to obliterate them, we embrace them and allow ourselves to process them. Self-compassion, unlike self-indulgence, uses acceptance to lead us through our emotions to the other side.
“Self-compassion involves turning towards what I’m experiencing with care, whereas self-indulgence involves turning away from what I’m feeling, often in an attempt to try to feel better.” Ali Miller, MFT
What Self-Compassion Is.
According to Psychologist Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves 3 elements:
Self-kindness. When we are kind to ourselves, we accept our feelings and failings and treat ourselves with gentleness. We allow ourselves to be human and stop blaming and shaming when we fall short of our own or other’s expectations. It becomes easier for us to ride the ups and downs of daily life, and we have greater resources for handling sudden, unexpected situations that are thrown at us.
Common humanity. Self-compassion helps us realize that what we experience is part of the human condition and not unique to us. We aren’t alone and don’t have to handle everything as if we were a superhero. It’s okay to seek help when we need it.
Mindfulness. The practice of mindfulness keeps us in touch with our feelings and emotions without judgment or condemnation. If we’re angry, we feel anger. Everyone gets angry, but mindfulness helps us avoid acting out our anger or taking it out on others. It is the pause between stimulus and response; this is where we exercise emotional intelligence and show empathy toward others and ourselves.
How to Develop Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t a new-age gimmick. Research has shown that it contributes to physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.
“Over the last decade or so, research has consistently shown a positive correlation between self-compassion and psychological well-being. People who have self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. Self-compassion has also been shown to correlate with less anxiety, depression, shame, and fear of failure.” — Allison Abrams, LCSW-R, Psychology Today
Self-compassion is something many of us need to learn and practice until it becomes a habit. We can start by making time for self-care. Identify what activities give us pleasure, help us release stress, boost our mood, and give us breathing room. Set aside times of the day or week devoted to this activity and honor those times as something sacred. They are the steppingstones to greater self-compassion and demonstrate that we care about our physical, mental, and spiritual health.
Rumination is the thief of self-compassion. This is where we chew on negative thoughts and listen to our negative thought chatter. Often, this chatter occurs just below our conscious awareness, so becoming more mindful opens the door to these hidden messages. Generally, if our mood is down, negative thinking is the culprit. Since self-compassion and negative, critical thoughts are the opposites of each other, our thoughts need a 180-degree turn. The more we reduce negative thought chatter, the easier it is to cultivate self-compassion.
We can stop trying to be the strong, mature adult occasionally and acknowledge that the child we were still exists inside us. We need to treat ourselves just as we would that child — with care, consideration, love, kindness, and support through struggle. We may never have received any of this as children, or what we did receive was grudgingly given. It doesn’t matter. We can give it to ourselves today. Right now. This minute of this day.
“Self-compassion involves the capacity to comfort and soothe ourselves, and to motivate ourselves with encouragement, when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion is learned in part by connecting with our innate compassion for others, and self-compassion also helps to grow and sustain our compassion for others.” — Chris Germer, co-founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion Center
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