Why Aftercare is so Important in Sex (Vanilla or Kink)

What is aftercare and why you shouldn’t neglect it.

Since I start having sex, I always practised aftercare — as a receiver and a giver — even not knowing I was doing it. For me, having “a moment” after sex was always a need, and I always reciprocated my lover’s care, even if it was a five minutes snuggling.

I’ve only come across to the term aftercare when I became a writer (ergo, a blog reader as well.) It was then that I understood my need for snuggling after sex or to talk about something that happened during it. When I start reading about BDSM, the term became more widespread and made even more sense to me. What I learned — with research and from my personal experience — is that aftercare is part of sex; it’s a closure, a question of well-being.

No matter if you have kink sex or vanilla sex, aftercare should always be part of it.

What is Aftercare

The term aftercare gained more visibility and, perhaps, understanding, with the BDSM community. However, for its benefits and concept, it should always be a part of sex, the same way as foreplay.

Also, aftercare shouldn’t be exclusive for long-term or regular sexual partners: it should happen after each sexual encounter, even if you had a quickie. Bear with me, I’ll explain it.

Aftercare is the act of nurturing your sexual partner after sex. It’s to provide care to your lover — in any form or shape they need.

When you have sex, especially if you had an orgasm, it’s normal to have an emotional response. Your body has a cocktail of hormones running wild in it; you experience a rush of endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin. Then, when sex is over, you have the opposite sensation: you have a drop from the previous high you felt, sometimes a sudden and heavy one. When the hyperactive chemicals dissipate, it can trigger heightened emotions, either positive or negative.

Remaining in close contact with your lover will help to control the side-effects of the drop and sustain the oxytocin levels (source.) You need a safe and comfortable space while your hormones return to their normal level. And that is with your lover.

Aftercare becomes even more relevant if you had an intense physical or psychological sexual experience, as it happens with kink sex, in particular, if you are the receiver. Impact play endures physical pain and has a psychological impact; humiliation play or fetish games can trigger pos-sex psychological and emotional reactions. Kink sex is an intense encounter, and as much pleasurable as it might be, it can leave cuts and bruises, and heighten your emotions — positive and negative (feelings of shame or regret, acceptance or bliss.)

Aftercare is about helping your lover to process the experience you had together and to decompress from it; it’s considering their physical and emotional well-being.

Despite in vanilla sex, physical pain isn’t inflicted, it doesn’t mean aftercare is less important. You still had your hormones hyperactive; you still had a chemical spike and a drop. Aftercare is meaningful in sex. Period. Vanilla sex, kink sex, long-term sex, casual or in a friends-with-benefits relationship. Whenever you have sex, you deserve to walk away from the experience feeling physically and emotionally well.

How to give aftercare?

Aftercare is always personal and unique. Your needs are different from mine, and my today’s needs can be different from yesterday. It all depends on what happened during sex, on how you felt with your lover, and with yourself.

The best way to provide proper aftercare is to ask your lover what they need. But if you know them well enough, this might not be necessary. Also, it is essential, as a receiver, to ask for what you need.

Communication is vital in aftercare: you need to voice your needs, and you need to read your lover’s body signs.

Aftercare can be slipt into two categories: physical and emotional.

Physical aftercare

Physical needs are easier to detect: if you are cold, your body will shiver; if hot, you’ll sweat. If you had a session of impact play, you might have bruises or cuts. If you are observant to your lover’s body (which you should), you will know what they need.

For instance, I always need water (during and after sex), so Mr P. always takes to the room a cup and a bottle of water. When we finish having sex, the first thing he does is to kill my thirst. You might need a blanket to cover yourself; you might need a snack, a massage in your buttocks or back, or a full-body massage. You might need a hug (although it’s a physical act, for me is more an emotional need.)

Physical aftercare takes many forms. Again: it’s unique and personalised, according to the needs you have at that moment.

Emotional aftercare

Most emotional aftercare needs aren’t visible (if your lover is crying, you know they need extra affection.)

If you’re a receiver, you will have to express them, either vocally either with actions. For instance, I always need to be physically close to my lover, to de-escalate from the hormonal hype and arousal in a skin-to-skin moment. I love to spooning, but often, after sex, it’s too hot for that, so I am happy with being lying down with him, holding a hand or having one of my legs over his.

Some people might need to be hugged, others to talk, to laugh or cry. Anything is valid, and every need must be attended, or, at least, acknowledged.

After aftercare

This is what I consider the medium-term aftercare. It starts when you leave the bed (or whatever place you had sex in.)

For instance, in the morning after sex, I love to have a shower with Mr P. It’s rarely a shower with sexual energy, we just wash each other’s body. It’s a moment of emotional connection, of tenderness. It’s a pure act of skin-to-skin. For me, it’s a closure of our sexual encounter.

If you don’t sleep over your lover’s house or you’re in a hotel, an after aftercare action will be for your lover to walk you to your car, to call you a taxi or to drive you home.

It is all about ensuring that you are safe and happy with the full experience.

The following day, text or call your lover, especially if you had kink sex — make sure they are physically ok and emotionally stable; if they need anything from you.

Remember when I said that even in a quickie fuck you can and should have aftercare? This is what I was referring to: the after aftercare.

Take away

Aftercare is so important in sex as it is foreplay: one is preparing your body and mind, and tune your emotions; the other is to firm the encounter, to seal the closeness. It’s all part of the sexual encounter; both are about pleasure and connection, physical and emotional (even if a temporary one.)

Either you achieved orgasm or not, you had a hormonal spike — more with orgasm, nonetheless, a hormonal high during the sexual act. The drop will happen, and it can take any form. You might feel complete and happy; you might feel estranged and confused. If you had kink sex, you probably have extra physical needs — even if only a check over your body to see if you need immediate care.

Some people love to talk about what they liked the most or what they want to try next time; some love to cuddle and stay silent. Some love both, depending on the day. There is no right or wrong needs, but there is a wrong way to deliver aftercare: not deliver one at all, or use it as a way to apologise from wrongdoing (never do this.)

Aftercare is to take care. Simple as that. Take care of your partner, emotionally and physically. If you are in a long-term relationship, and you adopt an aftercare routine, your sex life will definitely have an important role in the bonding and emotional connection to your partner. If you’re in a casual relationship, practising aftercare will ensure you have fulfilled sex encounters, and that you will look back and smile with the memories you had from your partner.

Either you have kink sex or vanilla sex; long-term or casual sex; aftercare should always be part of it.

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