How Mindfulness Improves Your Sex Life

how you can be sexually mindful (and why you should)

The modern society is a magnet of stimulus.

Since the moment you wake up, your attention is caught up. During the day, you multitask, you try your best — sometimes overloading your mind — to complete the immensity of chores you have planned; either professional and personal.

Even when you are in a relaxation mode, you often distract your brain: you open one of the many apps on your smartphone, turn on the TV for the background noise or binge-watching a show on Netflix you don’t even pay much attention to.

Our minds are always busy and distracted. We are so used to a fast-paced mental rhythm that when our minds are supposed to be off — like during sex — , they aren’t. We seem to have lost that ability.

Be honest and answer this: during sex, how often you get caught in your mind?

The most common reasons for the mind to disconnect from the body during sex is related to sex - questions like if your partner is judging a part of your body; if they are enjoying your sexual performance; if you’re going to have an orgasm…

That mental distraction is not beneficial — you are not committed to what’s happening to you.

Your mind claims your attention when you should be enjoying what’s happening in your body.

Your body is engaged in a pleasurable moment, but your mind takes control of the situation. Body and mind are disconnected. How can you fully enjoy sex if your mind is not there? The answer is: you simply can’t.

How, then, merge body and mind during sex? You need to switch off your brain. You must reclaim your full attention to what’s happening to your body in that precise moment. And that’s where mindfulness will help you.

What does it mean to be mindful?

Mindfulness is about dedicating your attention to the present moment; to the activity you’re engaging in. It’s related to meditation, but, while meditating you physically stop, when you are mindful in your day-to-day tasks, you are active.

Being mindful doesn't mean not thinking. It means that you are entirely focused on what you are doing. There is nothing more in your mind than the activity you have in hands.

When you are mindful, you don’t have to fight your thoughts: you acknowledge them but let them go, without judgments, without labelling them as good or bad, serious or fun. They are merely distractions, stealing your focus from what’s happening. Let them go and lead your attention to your activity.

If you’re having a meal, enjoy each piece of food, feel the taste and textures, smell the fragrances, admire the colours. And apply this technique to every task. Any moment can be mindful.

Being mindful takes practise, so, if you’re new to it, start with the small chores of your day — like while eating, washing up, or brushing your teeth. Turn on all your senses and use them to acknowledge what’s truly happening at the moment.

In sex, all our senses are heightened, so by practising being mindful in your routine tasks, you are preparing to be fully present and enjoy sex with all your senses (and with the mind turned off.)

Reasons why being mindful improves your sex life

Lori Brotto, PhD, a clinical psychologist, sex researcher, in her book Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, states:

Sexual mindfulness simply encourages people to show up when they are engaging in sexual activity.

Being mindful in sex is attuning mind and body, having both focused on the pleasurable moment that is occurring.

I know this is easier said than done - our minds are used to the fast-pace rhythm, it’s hard to change, to slow down, and to be present when we are not used doing it. But in time, with practice, you’ll get there.

In sex, when your mind sets off to think, let go of it and come back to your body, to the sensations your partner is triggering in you, to the reactions of your body. If you are in your mind instead of in your body, you’re neglecting the pleasure that is available to you.

Let go of the mind, and you will have a heightened awareness of the pleasurable sensations your partner is offering you.

Being mindful will lead to better sex life.

How to be sexually mindful

Sex shouldn't be about achieving an orgasm, but about pleasure. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

However, orgasm is a peak of pleasure, a release; so wishing to have one (or more) during sex is perfectly acceptable.

To achieve an orgasm, your mind needs to be clear; you need to allow yourself to lose control and let your physical experiences to take charge. Your body must command your pleasure.

If you are stuck in your mind during sex, hardly you will have an orgasm. And that is where mindfulness is so important and will help you to improve your sex life.

Be fully present in the act (and how to)

This is the heart of the mindful philosophy: to be present and enjoy the moment, as it is. But we know that’s not so simple; that’s why I suggested you to start with your routine tasks. In time, you will bring your practice to sex.

When you feel your mind is going to drift away, take a deep breath. Don’t judge the thoughts that are trying to distract you. Take a deep breath and focus on something your lover is doing to you or something about him. For instance, I ger aroused by the sounds my lover does when we’re having sex. So, whenever my mind tries to trick me, I focus on the sound he’s making, even if it’s only his breathing. You can also focus on their scent, or in one sensation your body is experiencing.

Focus on something specific that is happening. That will bring you back and make you be fully present.

Even if your mind drifts to sexual thoughts, like what position you want to try next, or if your lover is enjoying you going down on him or if he’s tired of going down on you — stop it. Those are all distractions, you don’t need them.

Focus, with your five senses, on what’s happening, be fully present and enjoy each bit of pleasure your body is receiving.

Science proves that mindfulness improves sex

Scientific research has proven that mindfulness leads to better sex. This study from 2019, led by Chelom Leavitt, concluded that “more sexually mindful individuals tended to have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives.”

Another study, conducted by Brotto, in 2018, offered brief mindful sessions to women before the experiment and, after the trial, these women showed a greater sense of arousal both mentally and physically (this was measured by a device that measures the amount of blood in the walls of the vagina, a vaginal photoplethysmograph.)

Also, in 2017, psychologist Kyle Stephenson led a meta-analysis of 11 trials (with a sample of 449 men and women). He found that “all aspects of sexual function and subjective sexual well-being” improved significantly under mindfulness-based therapy.

As you can see, mindfulness goes beyond philosophy or a lifestyle.

Scientific research has collected enough data to prove that mindfulness does, in fact, improve your sex life.

In conclusion

Mindful sex is a full-body experience: you are wholly immersed in your body’s physical sensations.

By bringing more attention to what is happening to you— setting free from your mind — you will enjoy sex with all your senses, to the detail.

Mindfulness will help you not only to have better sex but to have more connective and pleasurable sex, as well more powerful orgasms.

Mindfulness requires practice, but if you start by using it in your daily life, in small and seemingly unimportant tasks, soon you will be prepared to be mindful in sex, and fully experience the moment.

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