Serious Adult Business

Which of Your Friends Would You Pick for a Threesome?

Two’s company, and three’s a party

“If you’re like most of us, your mama didn’t teach you that threesomes were wholesome.” ― Victoria Vantoch, The Threesome Handbook: Make the Most of Your Favorite Fantasy — the Ultimate Guide for Tri-Curious Singles and Couples

During the free love seventies, my husband and I never had a threesome because we could never agree on which of our friends to invite. We had numerous friends of both genders we considered. We started looking for a third because all our couple friends told us they had fly me to the moon transformational sexual experiences. We still had unforgettable sex. Our bedroom was on fire most nights. But the moon! Outer space sounded tempting. Like most things in life, nothing is as easy as it is when told to you by someone else.

In addition, there were swinging orgies we were missing out on. We figured we should try sex with one other person before attempting a “who are all these people and why are they touching me” experience. Let’s try lighting a match before jumping into a bonfire. So, we started looking for our threesome partner. We were both working engineers, parents on the school board, and hobbyists, so we knew a decent number of people.

Our first candidate was a woman who worked in a different group from me. She was beautiful and single, so I invited her to dinner. She made intelligent conversation, and looked and smelled great. Her manners were impeccable.

However, when I served dinner, she pushed all the food on her plate to one side. Then she mixed the food, so there was some of everything on each forkful. Unacceptable to me. As a child, I grew up eating from what looked like a tiny prison tray. She would never do. We didn’t even ask.

The next candidate was a man we knew and liked from our gym. He was handsome and worked out every day, pumped and plumped. We could see his package through his tight shorts. We invited him for coffee. He was dumb as a sack of hammers but had good family values. The conversation turned to sports, and he was a Milwaukee Bucks fan. Unacceptable to my spouse. What kind of sex partner would he be with such lousy judgment? Once again, we did not ask.

And so began our personal America’s Got Talent for a satisfactory candidate. We met with six other acquaintances. In order, one guy met us wearing a pink wife-beater shirt. Another sent his entrée back because he said it was cold. We could see steam rising from his plate. One woman kept snapping her fingers to emphasize points in her conversation. There was the man who slouched in his chair to the point he slid off and onto the floor under the table.

You need to recognize trouble when you are having dinner with it. Another woman was smartly dressed and very attractive. During dinner, as we talked, she kept licking her lips and staring into my husband’s eyes as if I wasn’t there. Enthusiasm is good, but this lady looked like she wanted to have sex with my husband — without me — as soon as possible. Nope, no, nada.

Unconscious habits were a turnoff. One female candidate chewed gum and cracked it loud enough for other diners to dive under their tables and start reporting gunfire in the restaurant. All of these were UNACCEPTABLE flaws. We asked none of them to join us in bed. They were too messed up to allow into our life for even a night.

After a year of looking, we took ourselves to dinner one night to discuss our lack of success. We were the only couple, based on our friends' accounts, who were missing out not only on the excitement of threesomes but on many drug-enhanced orgies. We wanted to try the orgies. They sounded like so much fun when everyone talked about them.

Looking across the table at each other, our boring engineering asses knew we would never have that threesome, so we would never participate in the orgies. Our selection criterion weeded everyone out. We decided the only thing we would have was twosomes with each other. And that would have to be enough. Outstanding sex with each other would be our burden to bear.

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Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.

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