How I Dealt With My Family’s Different Love Language
I am regularly asked questions like “Don’t you love us?”, “Don’t you want to spend time with us?” While I love my family unconditionally, I have a different way of expressing love than they do.
I am called the “cat” of my family because I mostly stay inside my room: working, meditating, or writing. In their mind, I only come out to look for food and occasional cuddles, maybe a few back scratches if I’m the mood. And if they hug me even a minute longer than I anticipated or “allowed” them to, I start to twist my self in weird dimensions to slip out of there embrace. I might even yowl in frustration if not let loose soon from cuddles.
It’s not like I don’t love my family. In fact, I love them unconditionally. It’s just the way I show love is different. My love language for them is practically rooted in “acts of service”; such as looking for ways to help them monetarily, taking care of them when they fall sick, cooking a meal for one or all of them, or repairing something of importance to them.
My love language is unlike my sister’s, who is called the Labrador of the house because she’s always up for cuddles and kisses (her love language leans more toward “physical touch”). She even masterminded many of the family cuddle sessions that I am dragged into often.
Now that my family and I are all locked in together due to the pandemic, my different way of expressing love is contrasting even more with theirs. I’ve started to think more about if expressing love to family is also important, especially in the way they want.
When it comes to my dating life, I have often asked myself this question:
“Would you still call it love if you weren’t loved the way you want to be loved?”
When we commit ourselves to a relationship, we often go with expectations of being loved in a certain way. For example, many of us might consider the celebration of monthly anniversaries as a way to show love for one another, while for others it might be just texting “good morning” every day. But, whatever our personal preferences, they define how we give and take love. And when our expectations about love aren’t met, we usually tend towards a break-up, even if the person we’re dating loves us dearly in a different way. Very few of us can recognize and accept a different love language than ours.
My family might also expect me to express love by physically being present and by spending more time than I can. On the other hand, I expect my family to understand how I express love and accept that expression. Neither of us is wrong. But, we both have to figure out a way to understand our different points of view. Pressurizing one party to succumb to the wishes of another would only lead to unnecessary frustration.
There was a lot of friction at the start of the lockdown, where they believed that me not spending a specific amount of time (that they thought I should spend) with them meant that I didn’t love them. I communicated by pointing out and showing them how my love looks like. I made a list of all the things I do as love for them; the time I invest in things that are related to making their life better. As a result of this slow process, they’re beginning to understand my love language.
At the same time, I also increased the time I spent with my family. I found common ground to interact with them so that they felt love from me and I could show love in a less “touchy-feely” way. We started to meet up in the common room of our house daily and compete in online games. When I cook something for the family, I also rope in my sister to have a chat with as she dices vegetables. They responded to my efforts in kind by giving me space when I needed it and understanding that not all love is verbally and physically expressive. Sometimes, it’s cat-like; emerging from the dark spot in the house and shooing away “mice” who trouble the family.
A little about me…
I write on an odd range of topics: from mental health, self-care to politics, travel, and comedy (and all the weird shades of genres in between). They call me a researcher in my day job.
Some of my thoughts:
- Three Things to NOT expect out of Meditation
- I Am Not Afraid of Death
- “Positivity” Isn’t About Being Positive, It’s About Having Faith
I would love to read your thoughts and comments on what I write. You can contact me on Instagram at @thesanb and Twitter at @thesabh