When You Finally Lash Out At A Narcissist

It works like a charm

A narcissist’s abuse is relentless & at Dr. Psychology we’ve spoken or essentially written & discussed the multiple tools a narcissist uses to abuse, manipulate & control you.

We’ve spoken about how they use their cognitive empathy, fake charity, fake compassion, childishness, entitlement, and even their religiousness as a tool to get their way around. Above all, I’ve recently learned about the “Victim-Bully,” a magical tool used by covert narcissists, from a renowned Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, via one of her YouTube videos.

Now, if you had been subjected to narcissistic abuse or have been dealing with a covert narcissist for a considerable amount of time, you would be able to relate to this. I’ve seen one of them use this tactic, and I must say it works like a charm.

Unlike Grandiose narcissists who have high self-esteem, and use dominance & aggression to get their way, covert narcissists stand on the opposite side of the spectrum. They’re more negative and are known for their low self-esteem. However, they are brilliant manipulators and use Victim-Bully as a tool to manipulate, control or guilt you.

It could be your parents, partner, or your friend. Generally, these are the people with whom you spend the majority of your time. If one of those close people happens to be a covert narcissist; Chances are you’ve encountered the victim-bully tactic more often than not and even fell for it. However, you can’t always remain silent and someday, you’re going to lash out at them, and this is what happens next.

When you’re finally fed up and start pointing out what they’ve done or have been doing wrong all this time, the covert narcissists are going to pull out their victim card and sulk. Unlike a grandiose narcissist who wouldn’t even give you the scope to lash out, a covert narcissist is going to listen out but from then on, it gets terrible.

When you say something like this — “Enough of your shenanigans, you think I don’t notice what you’re trying to pull off here? Manipulating people around you just for your benefit? You think I don’t notice that? I’ve been silent all this time but not anymore. Your manipulation is not going to work anymore.”

You might say something like this to your parents, or partner who is a covert narcissist, to which they would respond pretty much something like this — “I can’t believe you’ve been taking my efforts this way. All this time I was trying to do good things, wishing well for you & this family, I’ve been trying to keep everyone happy, and this is what I get in return. Called a “manipulator”?”

This is just a portrayal of how they would react, suddenly the perpetrator becomes the victim. When their whole play is busted out, they use Victim-bully to defend themselves. You’ve been aware and had witnessed all the abuse they had caused you and the people around them. But they magically have your experiences declared “null & void” using the victim card.

You are pretty much tricked into soaking up the guilt. “Maybe I was wrong about him/her.” “I shouldn’t have said that, that must’ve hurt badly. Oh, I can’t look at myself now, I am so ashamed.”

See how it works? It’s usually a lot more complicated than a few black & white dialogues I’ve written to portray their ruse. It could involve the “silent treatment” and many tricks that work against you to soak up the guilt.

How To Resist It?

Once you know they are a narcissist and you’ve recognized their pattern of abuse and the pattern of justifying their abuse, your job is 90% done. Recognizing these patterns takes time. They pretty much use similar patterns to gaslight, accuse and later defend their abuse.

Over time with multiple experiences with them, you learn how they work with these patterns of abuse. If you forget things easily, try writing those incidents down; The conflicts, gaslighting sessions, and their defenses against your reaction, or what they tell you to soak up the guilt. Write all of these down and you’re likely to notice a pattern.

Now the trick is not to go attacking them but defending yourselves. Since they are good at tricking you into believing you’re wrong, you stop taking them seriously at all.

Have them say whatever they want, just have your conscience clear. Believe that you are right, that’s what they do to prove you wrong. Where do you think that confidence comes from?

Having that said, I believe NPD is a disorder and they deserve to be treated, and the best way to do that is to go cold than harsh on them. Encouraging them for therapy. They love praise, try praising them to get them to therapy rather than demeaning them. Have them recognize their narcissism themselves. It needs a separate article altogether to convince them to therapy, expect it shortly.