When the Affair Ends, Don’t Forget One Important Step in Your Healing Process

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” Lao Tzu.

I’ve come a long way in my journey to not just end but heal from my affair. Anyone who has followed my story is aware of what a mess I was when my affair partner had his D-day. Looking back now, I see that my reaction was based on confusion, grief, and fear. But while I was going through it? Holy crap, I felt like I was crazy. Like there was something seriously wrong with myself that I could not give that man up.

The point of this story is not to go back and reminisce about why I couldn’t end my affair. All you have to do is read my past stories to discover those lovely insights. Instead, I want to focus on the healing process. Because if you’re hurting right now, you need to find someone who went through it and came out on the other side. I have touched on this subject in past stories I’ve written here. However, when I went back and read those articles, I noticed that pieces were missing.

And now I know why.

I’m also on a journey and learning along the way. The healing process does not occur in a vacuum. There are setbacks and roadblocks. We continue on the road to recovery by acknowledging the potholes and figuring out what to do about them.

I see this coming out in my writing here on Medium, which makes sense. I’ve written that when I started sharing my story, I felt the therapeutic benefits of journaling taking hold and teaching me. I wrote a story titled, how to recover after an affair breakup. This story was essential because it encouraged a person in the same situation to actually take the plunge. If you’ve never been in a long-term affair, you probably don’t understand why this step is vital. Ending an affair is horribly debilitating and, frankly, daunting. Just that first step takes enormous emotional strength. This is why many people keep going back and forth with their affair partners, even if the affair is starting to make them miserable.

I’m pleased with the story I wrote titled, I am grateful for what I learned from my affair. Here, I found I touched on a crucial step. The lesson. And it is that concept I find essential to include in the healing process.

After I finally decided to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t serving my needs, here was what I did.

Step one: No contact.

I wrote in the story what I learned in six months of no contact with my ex-affair partner: sticking to no contact is a pivotal accomplishment. I genuinely don’t believe I would have been able to clear my head and think rationally until I’d gone that long of a period of no contact. When you’ve accepted that the affair is over, say goodbye and mean it.

Step two is a combination of self-love and self-compassion.

I have recently learned how these two actions are not the same. Self-love is knowing you are worthy. It means taking care of your own needs because you know you deserve happiness. At the same time, self-compassion is the ability to forgive yourself. Both are crucial in a break-up.

Shaming an adulterer doesn’t work. Why? Because we do a remarkable job of shaming ourselves. We are fully aware of the emotional and societal ramifications of adultery, yet for many of us, the cheating opened our eyes to our problems. So, in a sense, cheating was essential to get us to move on with our issues. Talk about how freaking confusing that is. We know that society condemns what we did. So, with little support, it is up to us to get through our mistakes with a newer perspective on what happened. In my opinion, it is impossible to heal unless you can forgive yourself.

Here’s how to do it. Think about if a friend went to you. She tells you that she is hurting but has no one else to talk to because people will judge her. You tell your friend that you will never judge her. You KNOW her. She is kind and empathetic, and even good people make mistakes. You listen to her and offer your shoulder to cry on. You never let her feel like a pariah for having an affair. That is who you should be to yourself. Take care of and support yourself the same way you would for a friend.

Step three is letting go of the emotions that do not serve you.

For me, it was anger. It was easier to blame him than to face what I needed to do for myself. To accuse him of false promises when no one twisted my arm to follow him. For others, it might be hope. I understand that concept. An affair is built on hope. Who wants to give up hope? Here is where we begin to realize the spectrum of hope. Sometimes, giving up hope opens the space for new beginnings.

Step four is finding enlightenment.

This is the step that usually needs to be remembered. Once you are here, you’ve forgiven yourself, put in actions that foster self-love and self-compassion, and released any destructive emotions. Now, you find yourself at the finish line. That was me for the past eight months. Until I saw that it wasn’t enough to be healed, you must also be enlightened. That is the true and lasting emotional strength we require to become a better version of ourselves.

Why go through a potentially destructive or chaotic situation if you will not learn from it?

This comes towards the end of your healing journey because enlightenment occurs when you are in a safe place. Frankly, you are not safe while you are in emotional pain. In a healing state, we can face the part of ourselves that we unconsciously abandoned or pushed away. It involves vulnerability and a place of authenticity. What you thought you were opposed to has gotten in the way of who you truly are. This is why it takes time to get here. None of this can happen overnight or quickly.

I went through a lot to get to this place. This is my enlightened ending. I’m going to accept who I’ve become. I’m going to take what I need and run with it. Pull it into myself. Wrap my arms around it. I’m going to hug it and love it.

Because I like her… She kicks ass.

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