How to Recover After an Affair Breakup

“New Beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Lao Tzu

I have noticed, at this moment, that there seem to be many screen names on Medium who are experiencing an affair breakup. Something crazy is definitely happening in the universe. But regardless, if it’s you, I know exactly how you feel. It took me two years to recover from my affair ending. During that time, I constantly asked myself what was wrong with me. Am I this pathetic to continually pine for this man? Would I ever be free of the constant hurt and obsession?

If right now you are in the thick of it, I’m sure you hope I have an instant solution for you to rid yourself of this emotional pain. Unfortunately, I don’t have the magic wand to whisk all your despair away. It is my goal, however, that you find inspiration from reading my story to help you through this dark time.

During that long two-year period, I literally tried everything to stay away from my affair partner. I listened to breakup podcasts. I started with a new therapist. I made a list of everything I disliked about him. I read break-up books. I organized outings with my girlfriends. I dated new men. I worked out more. I even put a calendar countdown on my phone because I felt all my heartache would disappear if I hit a magic number.

But every time, I’d make it no contact for about two months, and then I’d find a reason to break it. Sometimes, he was happy to hear from me. We’d easily connect again, only to break up a few weeks later when I’d see that nothing really had changed.

But he wasn’t so open by the second year during those sporadic times I reconnected with him. He’d tell me that my contact was like I was pulling at a scab that had begun to heal. Or he would say to me that things were going well in his marriage. That hurt like a mother, and I’d slink away with my tail between my legs. This retreat made him chase, and I’d find out from him later that all he told me were lies about his marital happiness. Or maybe that was just the story so he could fuck me again. In hindsight, it was all obvious games of putting the control back into his ballcourt.

If you are in or have been in this state then you can relate that I felt completely unhinged. I might as well confess to another crazy tactic I tried. My father had chain-smoked for almost thirty years. After a health scare, he wanted to give up smoking. He had an interesting technique. I came home from college and noticed that every time he smoked a cigarette, he wrote a number on a little piece of paper that he kept in the cigarette package. What he was doing was slowly weaning himself off of the nicotine addiction. And it took him almost seven months because he started when he smoked a pack and a half a day. Every week, he smoked one less cigarette. By the time he was down to a couple of cigarettes a day, he had lost the craving. Forty years later, my father is still tobacco-free. Still to this day, I am very impressed at how my father quit smoking.

I figured I’d do this with the craving for contact with my lover. I was used to messaging him every day. So, every week, I’d message him one less day. Yes, Gentle Reader, I can feel your pity. It was ridiculous, but that was how desperate I was to try anything to fully separate from my affair partner.

Did it work? Fuck no! I was in contact with a man loving all this attention from me. Attention turns to recklessness. Which then evolves into mediation. That is you, my lovely Princess, negotiating away what you really want and need just for the few scraps that he will spare.

So what then finally did it? I wrote about how I left my affair for the last time here. I’m not going to repeat what I wrote in that article. Except to emphasize that his refusal to come over to see my new home wasn’t that big of a deal. So why was that moment the one that finally gave me the courage?

Now that I reflect, I don’t believe it was that moment after all. It was more of a declaration to myself. “I’m done with this bullshit. I have no room left in my heart to keep giving it to him while he callously throws it away.” And it wasn’t necessarily the power of that declaration alone. It was what happened next when I finally told myself that I would walk away from him.

I no longer felt that familiar panic.

Those of you trying to get over your affair partner know what I’m referring to. You start strong with no contact, but then your resolve weakens. You become sad, and that makes you feel weak. All you can think about is what you are missing in your life that your affair partner provides. You actually can feel the pain in your heart, which is scary and alarming and crashes into you all at once.

When I finally gave up my affair partner for the last time, I no longer could feel that constant emotional ache. After two years, I was done. Then, it was as if my body needed to repair itself. Similar to slowly gaining strength after recovering from the flu. Or watching your leg muscles tighten and get harder when you exercise every day. My resolve to recover had transformed into a wider perspective of growth, space, and grace. I could view my affair through a different lens, which was most important as to who I became as a result of my affair. This has affected many of my writing pieces here on Medium, which I never thought about in this way.

I wrote earlier that I don’t have a magic solution. But I will say that my number one piece of advice is to face that fear head-on. You are leaving your affair for a reason, yet you are scared witless that you will never find what you discovered with your affair partner again. I implore you to take the plunge anyway. Because, like me, you may find that you will break through the surface utterly transformed. You will never know unless you jump, my friend.

No, I didn’t drown. On the contrary, I became stronger. That is my wish for you, too.

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