When Should You Move On If a Relationship Isn’t Working?

It’s hard to know if you can work through the issues or not

The divorce rate in the United States is 44%. That’s mind-boggling! Almost half of us will get divorced. Divorce rates are slightly lower for couples older than 25 when they married and for couples with a strong religious background. That makes sense to me. By the time we get in our mid to late twenties, we have a better idea of what we need in a partner. How many of us feel like we dodged a bullet by NOT marrying a boyfriend or girlfriend from “back in the day?”

Still, I got married at the age of 25 for all of the wrong reasons. My mother had recently died from cancer, and my family life imploded. Suddenly, my father was with someone new, and we didn’t even get together for Thanksgiving. I was alone on a major holiday for the first time. I admit that I married the first suitable guy that I met so I wouldn’t be alone. That was a mistake.

Nine months later, he demanded a divorce. My first thought was;

“Thank God I don’t have to sleep with this man anymore.”

Talk about a mismatch!

Getting out of that relationship was the right thing to do, and even though it was a painful time, I was able to move on and be happily single until I met someone new seven years later — this time, I chose wisely.

Being married isn’t easy. I can see why divorce rates are so high. But how do you know when to pack it in? I can think of a lot of reasons to move on from a relationship.

If your partner is abusive or controlling, it’s time to go. No one should have to live in fear.

Often there are money issues or drug issues, or in my case, in-law issues. Some issues can be worked with. If your partner is willing to make changes, there is hope for the marriage. If not, it may be time to go. My husband and I worked through our in-law issues and stayed together. So far, we’ve made it thirty years but I don’t take our relationship for granted.

Divorce isn’t something to take lightly. Even though I was married for less than a year when I got divorced, it was difficult to go through. I can’t imagine being married for twenty, thirty, or more years and going through a divorce. It has to be incredibly painful. I witnessed this when my sister divorced after twenty-five years of marriage.

If there are children involved, it’s important to realize how they will be impacted if you choose to leave your partner. Unfortunately, so many parents use their kids as a pawn in their divorce. That’s a shame, and it scars the kids.

Some people talk and even brag about how long their parents or grandparents were married and wonder why the divorce rate is so much higher today. But, did you ever wonder how happy these long-married couples actually were?

So often, back in the day, the wife was the “little woman” and was at her husband’s beck and call. She would not have had the resources to leave her husband. My husband and I argued about his grandparents not long ago. He was smiling when he bragged about how his grandfather would say, “Ruby, get me a beer.” His grandmother Ruby would jump up and wait on him.

I wasn’t smiling when I heard that story. This Ruby would have told granddaddy to get his own beer.

My husband argued that she “wanted” to get it for him. I say B.S to that. It was what she was she learned in the 19th century, “wife training.” There was no way that she enjoyed running around waiting on her man. It was what she considered her duty.

I can think of other couples who fit into this category of longevity in marriage and wonder why it went on so long. My uncle had no problem calling my aunt “stupid” in front of her family. My father despised my uncle because of the way he treated his sister. We rarely visited.

Even at my aunt’s wake, my uncle called her stupid. She couldn’t get away from his verbal abuse even after she was dead. I can’t imagine what he did to her when no one was around. She was religious, though, and I’m sure that she didn’t believe in divorce. She finally moved herself into a personal care home at the end of her life and left her husband at the house.

Good for her!

As I reflect back on what I have written here, it sounds like I am pro-divorce. I only mean to advocate for divorce if someone is unhappy and think that they can have a safer and better life if they leave. No marriage is perfect and there are going to be problems. Being married is hard work. No one lives in a Harlequin Romance. Stuff happens. If I had divorced my husband every time I got mad at him, we wouldn’t be here right now. It’s the same for him. I’m no Princess even though I act like one most of the time. He’s got a lot to put with including my incessant writing about him!

Dear Abby used to say to ask yourself, “Are you better off with him or without him?” Here’s an article from Oprah.Daily that gives some reasons for getting a divorce. If you are leaning in this direction, then hopefully this will help you.

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