Sexual issues
When Painful Sex Gets In The Way of Intimacy
Saying ‘no’ to sex isn’t always because of a headache.
We all know that women don’t necessarily have to be turned on to have sexual intercourse. It isn’t a specifically pleasant experience if we are not aroused, but imagine wanting sex, feeling aroused yet every time you try, it is so painful the experience results in complete avoidance of intimacy or close physical contact.
One of the many causes of vaginal pain during intercourse is vaginal atrophy. And guys, don’t turn away now, this affects you as much as it does your female partner. If your partner begins to avoid intimacy, you need to understand that it could be caused by more than a headache.
Potential causes of vaginal atrophy:
- Trauma (including rape)
- Accidents
- Operations
- Childbirth
- The menopause
With the prospect of sex, women who suffer with vaginal atrophy worry that an erect penis will cause pain rather than pleasure. Consequently, their sex drive falls flat on the floor and they push away opportunities for physical closeness. Although the condition can affect women of any age, it is mainly after the menopause it’s experienced. Believe me, even women who have gone through the menopause crave sexual intimacy.
Vaginal atrophy is when oestrogen levels decrease and the vaginal tissue become thinner, drier, not as elastic and more fragile. The symptoms of vaginal atrophy include:
- Vaginal dryness or burning
- Genital itching
- Light bleeding after intercourse
- Discomfort during intercourse
- Shortening and tightening of the vaginal canal
Vaginal atrophy is not only uncomfortable and painful, but it can cause urinary issues too, such as:
- Burning with urination
- Urgency of urination
- Frequent urination
- Recurrent urinary tract infections
A client’s sad words
A client once told me she had experienced penetration feeling like sandpaper being rubbed on the inside of her vaginal walls, with bleeding following intercourse. I asked why she had carried on making love, after all there are lots of other ways to be intimate.
She responded with a sad, downturned look:
“I love my partner and I love making love with him. I want to hold on to our love life, I don’t want him to think I’m broken or to go elsewhere.”
She had experienced this pain increasingly over the past few months and hadn’t known what to do or where to go for help. I’m glad she came to see me.
Don’t suffer, take action!
This is a condition that women and their partners should not need to suffer with. There are actions you can take to help ease vaginal atrophy, returning the enjoyment of lovemaking to the relationship:
- A menopause specialist will help with all the specific symptoms. They are usually able to prescribe vaginal lubricants with estrogen and advise you on how to use it. I have only heard positive feedback from women who have sought their advice.
- Over the counter, vaginal lubricants can help. They are available at a chemist or on-line; I noticed vaginal lubricants being available even on Amazon. The ones I recommend to my clients are either YES or Sylk. If you contact either via their online chat facility, they might offer you some free samples so you can try before you buy.
- Omega 7 Sea Buckthorn is a natural solution to the health of mucus membranes and has been proven to help with vaginal dryness.
- Your doctor will also be able to help and some general practitioners have a menopause trained nurse attached to the clinic. It’s worth asking.
It is worthwhile taking a look at the menopause NICE Guidelines (in the UK) to gain an insight into what you should be able to expect from the care you are seeking. The NICE Guidelines were developed in 2015 at the same time as menopause training became available for nurses in the UK.
If you or your partner is suffering with vaginal atrophy, seek the help that is available. Your relationship deserves it, you should be able to enjoy intimacy as much as you ever have. Using lubricants can even add a different dimension to lovemaking.
Making love in a long-term relationship
We can all benefit from slowing down lovemaking, and enjoying more touching, stroking, kissing of bodies, and holding one another. Many couples coming to psychosexual therapy have spent years rushing through the act of lovemaking, resulting in one or both losing interest. That might be all we have time for when our children are young and we are working at succeeding in our careers. But in long-term relationships our bodies tend to respond differently, we can’t always rely on the rush of excitement we experience at the beginning of our relationship.
Taking our time to be intimate together, no matter our age will give our bodies a chance to catch up with what we are doing. The added extra is that intimacy becomes much more enjoyable and fun too. Towards the end of psychosexual therapy, couples often report that they are enjoying the touching so much that the intercourse is simply a plus rather than the aim.
Don’t let vaginal atrophy stop you from getting close; seek the help available and regaining the magic in your relationship can become a reality. Having an enjoyable sex life all the way into very old age is the spice of life and will keep us feeling truly alive for longer.
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