Life Lessons

When My Time Comes To Leave This World, Let It Be Quick

My life experiences mean I can’t help but feel this way. I am no stranger to loss

This piece is in response to Spyder's KTHT prompt, sharing thoughts on loss.

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A Man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time” Mark Twain

Watching family members die made me resolute that I do not want to die a drawn-out death.

It is probably selfish of me to feel this way. It will mean my family may not have the chance to say their goodbyes if death approaches suddenly.

Death is no stranger to me.

My earliest recall of death was my gran, dying of cancer when I was about 8 years old. I didn’t fully understand but remember her as being old. She was just in her 60s. The illness made her frail and bony. I was scared to see her that way. She called me to hold her hand. I backed away. My dad pushed me forward towards her. I recall holding her hand which was small, tiny, and fleshless. It felt weird and I was glad when I could let it go again. I never saw my gran again. She died soon after that.

My subsequent encounter with death was to come when I was 25 years old.

To say I was lacking in experience would be true. I let myself be guided by the Macmillan Cancer Nurse who supported my husband and me. She encouraged us to talk about his impending death. To make our peace and to make plans for the after. The funeral. Our baby of just two months old. The practicalities of the home.

In the last few days, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to stay with us. I could not have done it without them. My mother-in-law, more experienced in these matters, took charge and guided us through the final moments. It was peaceful, with my husband’s pain well controlled. We three sat beside him holding him and talking to him as he passed.

Our baby daughter sleeping in the room next door didn’t utter a sound. An hour after I was feeding her and thinking how bizarre this all felt.

My husband knew he was dying. It was hard to see him in those final days. When he stopped eating. Stopped coming down the stairs. Stopped wanting to hold the baby. He stopped engaging in life.

My mother-in-law was the next to leave us several years later.

She had been in hospital for about 3 months before that. Slowly getting weaker. Frailer. I went to see her there and again the memories of my gran came flooding back. The bony frailness of her body. All these were aspects I found too much to bear.

In 2012 my youngest sister was diagnosed at 43 with bile duct cancer, Cholangiocarcinoma.

She was offered treatment and had started the first course of her chemo. But she reacted badly to this ending up in the ED with a temperature of over 40ºC. After this, she decided not to put her body through the treatment. The odds given were slim. She ceased all treatment and focused on enjoying the last days she had.

After spending two months with her in New Zealand, watching her body eating away at itself, has further formed the way I feel.

Her type of cancer meant that her stomach swelled so she looked starved but pregnant. Her eyes were hollow like a prison camp survivor. It was hard to see her like this. Slowly getting weaker and smaller. I wasn’t present when she died as I had to return to the UK by then, but what I saw was enough to know my views.

When my mother died in 2020.

It was quick and sudden. Heart failure. I had spoken to her the night before. She said her feet were swollen and I told her to get to the doctor. She agreed to do so. If only I had told her to go straight away. She died in my father’s arms the next day. Quickly. Suddenly. She was here one day and life had left the next.

Watching my father’s fight with Cancer recently was one that solidified my views on death and thoughts on what I might do when the days come when I face my death.

Hopefully, this is not too soon, and I will be blessed with many more years to come. But death will come one day, that I know.

I do not want a long-drawn-out death.

Where your family has to watch you in pain.

Watch you struggle to eat.

Struggle to move.

Struggle to talk.

Struggle to sleep.

Returning to a child-like state.

Having to rely on carers to wash and dress you.

To have these indignities.

No, I do not want a long-drawn-out death. I don’t want to suffer that indignity, nor do I want my family to suffer that alongside me.

Though my mother’s passing was sudden, I feel it was the kindest of all. I believe that she didn’t suffer like my husband, sister, or dad. Yes, I didn’t have the chance to say my goodbyes, but I didn’t have to watch her suffer either.

When my time comes to naturally leave this world, I hope that it will be sudden.

Final Thoughts

Speak to your loved ones now. Talk to them like today is the last day you will have together. Always tell them that you love them.

And get your affairs in order. Leave them a sealed letter saying your goodbyes.

There are no pros to death, except that it will happen one day, whether sudden or drawn out, find small ways to be prepared.

© Bernie Pullen, All Rights Reserved