When Life Has Other Plans: A Surprisingly Easy Way to Get “Unstuck”

A journalist in a dry spell shares advice SHE needs to follow

An Inconvenient Experiment

The picture above is not me, but it’s how I felt on my return to Paris after a three-month stint in New York. My summer vacation was, in turns, the worst and best of times. Loss (my ex-husband) and fear (of my son’s facing blindness) were soothed by sun and sea and visits with those I love most.

Writing always helps me sort life out. And yet, I haven’t written a word since early June. It’s the longest I’ve gone without writing since 2016, when I was elected to my condo board. I feel stuck.

Before you think, Poor you, procrastinating in Paris, save your sarcasm. Let me be clear: Writing feeds me. Not writing pains me.

Just as important, I’m not getting any younger, and I feel possessive of time and health. No surprise. When a peer passes — my ex was only a year older — it makes you more aware of the need to be deliberate and careful about how your own minutes and hours are spent.

Feeling slightly uncomfortable as I find myself unable — and/or unwilling — to mindfully monitor my time, I tune into my inner sage. This is what she’s telling me:

Please! Stop complaining. You have answers and strategies for others. Pretend you’re taking to them. Get yourself un-stuck by following your own advice.

This is no airy-fairy garbage. I heard those words in my mind. To be completely honest, I’ve heard them before.

We all have an inner sage. We just have to slow down long enough to listen. I thank mine for getting me to write this piece. Hopefully, I’ll continue to follow her advice. And if not, I’ll remind myself to call on her again.

I’m certainly not unusual. For one reason or another, most of us stray from doing what’s good for or important to us. We have lapses, rough spots, and required do-overs. Your disappearance down a rabbit hole might not look like mine. Still, when you hit bottom, you’ve got to figure out how to climb out!

1. Name the problem.

For example, I want to get back to work. I want more balance in my day. I want to use my body as much as I use my head. And coming up on 79, I want to keep being as engaged and proactive as my old ladies, who are in their 90s and 100s.

I want to fight my inner brat, that siren who whispers, “You’ve paid your dues. Why work so hard? Go easy on yourself.” She does not have my best interest at heart! Work, engagement, and purpose are the elixirs of life.

2. Tap into the truth.

If you don’t quite know what’s up, chances are you are mired in emotions — and over-focused on the future (which, face it, is out of your control!).A better strategy is to look at where you are now. Your inner sage can help.

Try this simple 3-step technique conceived by self-empowerment guru Robert Fritz, a former musician who drew from various spiritual and leadership practices. I think of it as the Tell Yourself the Truth (TYTT) mantra.

A. Look around you. Find a quiet place. Settle in, and take a breath. Imagine yourself outside the action as a neutral observer. You’re a detective, gathering evidence. What is swirling around you? What do you see and hear? What led up to this moment? Be sure to factor in any new elements you might not have considered — a person/people, a change of circumstances, a transition between life stages.

B. Tell yourself the truth. Does this moment have an I’ve-been-here-before feeling? Might you have anticipated earlier? planned better? Do you have any control over this situation or do you simply need to work on accepting it? If a decision is looming large in your thoughts, is it really a matter of life or death — or does it just feel that way? Don’t blame or beat yourself. Simply acknowledge what is — and how it affects you.

C. Take an action. Ask your inner sage what to do next. Join with her to make a conscious choice, even if it feels hard or scary. My action was to write and commit to finishing this piece. Your next step might involve starting or ending, changing direction or doing something differently. It doesn’t have to be a big action. Just do something. A small gesture is a start.

And remember: If you make a wrong move or a bad decision, you can always make a new choice . Taking any action at least gets you past “stuck,” which is a bad and isolating place to be.

3. Give yourself some time for observation.

Once you’ve identified what’s going on, it will be easier to watch how your day goes. Make a list of your most common activities — eating, working, socializing, taking care of a child or a pet. Then, step back. During which activities or parts of the day do you feel best about yourself? most exhausted? Do you get excited about an undertaking and then lose steam? What do the stressful moments look like? Do certain people or places make it better? worse?

For each activity, you do, look at time spent. When I recognize, for instance, that I often write for 4 hours a day and, other than walking, only exercise for 20 minutes (if at all), I know for sure that my body needs attention!

When you’ve seen enough, imagine that you can wave a wand and magically change your day. What would you do the same? differently? better? not at all? Whom would you ask for help?

Keep telling yourself the truth. I’m been spending too much time playing Words with Friends and mindlessly surfing online — and too little on value-added activities. If I want that to change, I have to own up and do it.

4. Ask yourself hard questions.

• What is essential to your quality of life? For me, it’s dog walks, writing and socializing (in person and online, which includes texts and emails) and — reluctantly — exercise. These are activities I need to support and protect.
• What can be minimized or cut out altogether? I love to cook, but I don’t have to do it every day. Still, I must build in time for food-shopping during the week. The same for lunch dates and other kinds of fun outings.
• What feels like the best time of day? the best order? Some activities go well back-to-back. For example, since I am already warmed up after Rocky’s and my early-morning walk, I try to slot stretching and strength-training when I get home. If I don’t, I’ll likely not do it. As one who doesn’t love exercise, I need to get it out of the way!
• What activities can be combined without sacrificing enjoyment or quality? I love to cook while talking on the phone. I am familiar with the downside of multitasking, but I don’t feel as guilty about Word with Friends if I play while watching TV.
• Is there a way to change-up your day and introduce something new? Predictability is important but so is flexibility and risk. Try something new and out of character. Tomorrow morning, I’m taking a fitness class with strangers. It’s good to be a little nervous, to become a baby learner again. Humans find comfort in predictability, but we need novelty to thrive and feel ourselves as part of something bigger.

5. Write it down.

Having ideas in your head is not enough. Write down what you want to accomplish. Start with a week, then move to a month. It doesn’t matter how you keep track — a calendar, a daily to-do list, a productivity app —or whatever feels right to you. I’d never download an app. Besides the dreaded tech learning curve, I already spend too much time staring at a screen.

Full disclosure: The writing-it-down part is a challenge for me. In my heyday, I juggled multiple projects and plotted them out on a 30-day calendar. Now, I wing it. As a result, my head (and my computer) are a jumble of ideas and half-written pieces.

I admit this, albeit reluctantly, because accountability is important. Research suggests that we’re more likely to follow through when we own up in public.

Accountability is not simply taking the blame when something goes wrong. It’s not a confession. Accountability is about delivering on a commitment. It’s responsibility to an outcome, not just a set of tasks. It’s taking initiative with thoughtful, strategic follow-through.

6. Keep your eyes on the prize.

My Aunt Ruth frequently told me I’d chosen “the hardest profession.” But “hard” does wonders for you. Diving into something, striving, taking risks and taking on challenges build confidence and yield the greatest rewards.

An exhilarating “high” washes over me when I’m finally satisfied with a piece of writing and I send it out into the world.

And as much as I resist exercising, I inevitably feel better when I do it regularly.

The bottom line is that I want to “keep myself nice” — the key to longevity according to the 2,000-year-old man made famous by Mel Brooks. To live in good health and be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me, I have to do what’s good for me, not just talk or write about it.

7. Have faith in yourself.

One of the gifts of becoming an adult, especially as the years fly by, is that you accumulate ample evidence of your own capability. You’ve already dealt with a fair share of surprises, setbacks, screw-ups, tragedies, and crises — and have an array of difficult moments to look back on.

You got through those times. You can do it again. You’ve got what it takes. And when you feel as if you don’t, turn to your inner sage, who has all the answers, including ones you don’t want to hear!

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